Parenting During a Pandemic: 5 Secrets to Help you Cope

I see you. You are utterly exhausted. You never have a moment alone and are parenting more hours of the day than you ever have before – or ever should have to in a single day! I feel you, because I’m living it, too. Parents need break too, but the pandemic has been relentless and you are finding yourself putting in a lot more energy and time with your children than humanly possible. You may have lost some of the patience you used to have. You may have lost some of the energy you used to have. You may have lost some of the compliance and control you used to have. You may have seen some behavioral and emotional regression in your children or even yourself. You have have seen some rules you used to have about screen time and bedtime fly put the window and may have even experienced some guilt about it but feel stuck, like you have no choice. Your self care has suffered. Your mental health has suffered. And you feel lost, hopeless, and alone. And more than anything you need a break.

And you may wonder, how are other parents and children coping? Maybe you have found yourself coping with maladaptive coping skills to survive – because let’s face it, we are in desperate times navigating uncharted territory and we tend to lean on survival mechanisms to get through it. When we are in a constant state of stress, we go into survival mode, and live on primal instincts. There is no judgement or shame intended. We are all trying to live our best self right now, and are sometimes finding ourselves falling short. But that might mean we are indulging more than we used to and possibly drinking more alcohol than before the pandemic began. When you are trapped at home with no where to go all day surrounded by your family with no escape or space, what is your go-to? Maybe it’s a drink to take the edge off that ends up temporarily masking the stress, so you drink more. But when is enough? With old rules out the window and new lines being blurred, it seemed expected, but does that mean its ok, especially since our children are constantly watching us and every move we make?

I have partnered with Responsibility.org to share some resources and ways to help you parent during a pandemic with more support and empowerment! As you may already know, a core mission of Responsibility.org is to encourage a lifetime of responsible choices about alcohol – and to encourage a lifetime of conversations with your kids. And it’s been proven that talking to you children helps!

Responsibility.org has so many helpful resources for parents on how to have open conversations about alcohol with their children. In fact, their Ask, Listen, Learn program is a completely FREE digital underage drinking prevention program for kids ages 9-13 (grades 4-7) and their parents with the goal to reduce underage drinking.

Let me demystify the concept that others are doing well parenting during a pandemic. Parents all over the world are struggling. Children all over the world are struggling. No one I know is living their best life right now. Even if they don’t want to admit it or show it, life has been hard lately, for everyone. Let that truth sink in for a moment. You aren’t alone. I hope it normalizes what is happening in the world right now with parents nationwide. We need to let the perfection go. We have all ultimately experienced a trauma in our lives that we are all trying to recover from. We have felt fear, grief, anger, sadness, and loss among other things. Some of us have lost jobs, income, more than just our freedom. And we are all trying to survive and cope.

But I also want to tell you that there are things you can do to help cope, and cope more effectively. And I also want to note that our kids are resilient and we will get through this. We need to remember that we are still our children’s role models and we play an extremely vital role in their lives. They have been watching us much closer now than ever before. Our choices and behaviors are scrutinized under a microscope and more than ever it’s time to talk to our children and teach them the lessons that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. What we need to focus on is our character, our values, our morals, and making good choices, they choices we want our children to make. And here are some secrets to help you cope more effectively parenting during a pandemic that I hope you find valuable and helpful.

Make the intentional choice to be in control of your actions even in the tough moments. Each morning we wake up we have the choice on how we respond to our environment. We have the ultimate choice to respond positively or negatively. Throughout the day, we have the choice on how we behave. We have the choice on what we eat, what we drink, and how we self care. Make a choice to take care of yourself and find positive ways to cope and manage your stress. Expect the stress and embrace it. It’s going to happen so be prepared on how you would like to respond.

Be present. We can’t change the past and what’s happened. Reliving the trauma and being resentful about what has happened and what we’ve lost and what’s changed, isn’t helpful. We also can’t predict the future and when this will all end for that matter. What will empower us is being in control of the moment. Take it one day at a time. Accomplish what you want day to day and don’t take on too much. Focus on what went right or positive during the day instead of focusing on what went wrong or negatively. And write  the good things down! If you don’t, you may forget them! You can keep a journal of parenting wins like you would a gratitude journal. When you are having a bad moment or a bad day entirely, you can go back to your journal to remind yourself on your strengths and good days, because tomorrow is a new day, and will be better than the bad day you are having today. Rest assured that bad days don’t last forever. Being mindful and being proactive will help you get through the rough days more easily.

Find a Replacement Behavior

Make mistakes and be ok with it. Accept that life is far from perfect. Acknowledge that parenting is perfectly imperfect. Allowing yourself to make mistakes and letting your children see your transparency and vulnerability is healthy. It’s the repair that makes the difference. It’s not how many mistakes you make, it’s how you recover and respond to those mistakes that is most important. Be honest and upfront with your children if you are having a bad day, lost your patience and yelled too loud, or have made a poor choice. Show them how you can apologize and change your behavior for the better the next time. And don’t forget to give yourself some grace. Times are tougher than what we have ever been used to right now so give yourself a pass to not have life as together as much as you’d like or used to. This goes for your children as well. They will make mistakes. In fact, they will make a lot of mistakes. But remember to give them some extra grace, too. But try not to use the pandemic as an excuse to do things wrong just because of the predicament we have found ourselves in. Be as stable and predictable as you possibly can, for your sake, and the sake of your children. Remember, as parents, we might be the only predicable part of their lives right now. See this time as a blessing in disguise as an opportunity to model and talk to them on a daily basis. Check in regularly and talk to them about their day. Ask questions. Offer to help. Give support. Take time to listen. Use this time to teach them lessons you want them to learn. Right now, children are going to push boundaries and be curious about how far they go and how much they can get away with, and that’s ok. Be prepared for it. Own your behavior and encourage your children to own theirs. The most important thing to remember is to validate and not shame someone when they make a mistake. The conversations you will have during this time will shape their future and allow you to connect, build trust and respect, and even releases stress levels.

If you have a friend that you can trust to listen to you and lift you up rather than sink into the same misery level as you, you hit the jackpot! It is a emotional, mental, and cognitive release to complain to someone else, but if your friend starts making it about them or complaining just as much as you are, even though in the moment, that might feel validating, you will do more harm to yourself in the long run. Misery loves misery. Instead, rise up! Find a friend that will be honest with you. Find a friend that will listen to you. And find a friend that will find a way to make you feel heard, validated, and in a better mood. And if a friend isn’t enough, you can seek professional help. It is Mental Health Awareness Month and there is no shame in seeking help. In fact, taking a proactive choice to seek help is empowering and commendable. And remember, Responsibility.org has a lot of resources to help support parents!

 

I lean on other parents and glean from other parenting experts during tough times and recently I had the opportunity to virtually meet Meghan Leahy , a parent coach who writes the parent advice column for the Washington Post and recently published a book called, “Parenting Outside the Lines.” She is honest and down to earth, and tells it like it is – which is extremely comforting!  I loved her advice on having a Family Meeting, either daily or weekly, where everyone is mindful of taking a few minutes to check in with each other. Family meetings allow children to have a space to vent and giving parents the opportunity to ask for help, and then planning some fun together so you can find more balance during these unprecedented times. This type of meeting gives everyone a voice and with respect to planning a fun activity, if the kids feel ignored during the day or week – they know they have something fun thing to look forward to! I would definitely check out her book and find her on social!