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Tunes of Togetherness: Connecting and Coping with Music for Emotional Wellness

This past April, I traveled across the country and spent a few glorious days in Washington D.C. with Responsibility.Org, an organization with a mission to prevent underage drinking and drunk driving as well as having a lifetime of conversations about alcohol responsibility between parents and their children. I have been a proud partner with them for years because I am so passionate about who they are, what they do, and the changes they are making.

 

 

As a parent myself, I know the importance of having open conversations with my children, starting at a young age. And summer is the perfect time to have conversations with your children, since they are home for more hours of the day, than during the school year. As a child and family therapist, I am all about prevention and early intervention and strongly believe that you should start having conversations about difficult topics at an early age, especially when it comes to alcohol responsibility and how to cope with stress. Conversations about alcohol should start early and continue often. But even if you haven’t begun this process with your children, there is not a better time to start than today!

 

 

Studies have shown that parents are the #1 influence on their children’s behavior and their decision to drink or not drink alcohol. According to Responsibility.org, “over the last 10 years, 62% more kids reported talking with their parents about underage drinking, as well as with educators, counselors, and other practitioners.” So as parents we have a big responsibility to ourselves and our children and what we say and do make a difference!

 

Research shows that when conversations go up, underage drinking goes down. Since 2003, conversations between parents and kids have increased 90%. During that same period, current rates of underage drinking have decreased by 53%. 

 

Here are some other recent statistics from Responsibility.org’s Ask, Listen, and Learn program survey:

 

  • Kids report their parents as the number one (33%) influence on their decision to drink or not drink alcohol, followed by best friends (25%), and social media (17%).  
  • 93% of parents have talked to their kids at least once in the past year about alcohol consumption. 
  • 91% of kids have talked with their parents or another caregiver about the dangers of drinking alcohol. 
  • One in 3 youth say they are worried about illegal drugs and overdoses (38%), underage drinking (38%), and underage cannabis use (34%), with 55% of kids reporting that they think they will be faced with the decision to drink alcohol underage within the next year. 

 

Practice Healthy and Effective Coping Skills Together

 

You may have heard of positive vs. maladaptive coping skills. One is good and one is bad. Well, instead, I personally like to look at what is effective and what is mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy. So let me ask you this, what are your coping skills when you are upset and experiencing uncomfortable or difficult emotions? Do you let yourself experience them and work through them or do you hide them away to ignore them? Do you grab an alcoholic beverage to drown out the pain or soften the blow in order to cope better or do you drink some water or an energy drink and go for a run?

 

 

There are so many healthy and effective coping skills for you to use when you are upset that are also good to do with your children. Remember, they are watching you and learning from you – so even if you aren’t coping with them, they are learning how to cope by watching your actions. So next time you are upset, don’t blow off the pain, stress, sadness, frustration, and disappointment. Work through the complex feelings and journal, draw, listen to music, have a dance party, get fresh air, do some deep breathing, or get your body moving by going on a walk or a run. There are so many benefits to being outdoors in nature, so whatever you do, try to do it outside!

 

Prevent Risky Behaviors by Talking Together

 

If you didn’t grow up having open conversions with your parents, it may be difficult for you to have these types of conversations with your children. So you may ask, where do I even start? You may desperately want to reach out to your kids, especially if they are already teenagers, but you just don’t know how or where to begin, All you know is that you want to keep them safe and healthy. First and foremost, invite them to have a conversation with you. Talk in their language and send them a text using emojis or leave a note under their door if you need to. Let them know you are available to have a non-judgmental conversation or to answer any questions about anything on their mind. Let them know you will just be a listener if they just want to vent or that you will help give them advice if they need it. Let them lead the conversation and be more of a listener than a talker. Try not to invalidate their experience by sharing your story, even if you have had a similar experience in the past. Try not to lecture them, and if possible, try not to “talk” face to face – that is so intimidating and stressful for kids and teens – and they will often shutdown if this happens. Make the conversations quick (small doses) and do so while you are cooking dinner together, riding in the car running an errand, over coffee, taking a walk outside, working on a puzzle or drawing together, or playing a card or board game. Try not to ask too many questions, but give reflective comments, so they know you are listening and understanding their perspective/problem.

 

For more resources and tips on how to start conversations with your kids, as early as elementary school, about alcohol, go to the Responsibility.org website here! Their Ask, Listen, Learn program is a completely FREE digital underage drinking prevention program for kids ages 9-13 (grades 4-7) and their parents and educators with the goal to reduce underage drinking. Ask, Listen, Learn has resources to support communication between kids and their parents about saying “NO” to underage drinking as well. Through online resources like vibrant infographics, conversation starters, blog posts, an active email community of educators and parents, and active social media channels,  Ask, Listen, Learn  helps to guide adults on ways to start conversations about alcohol and the developing brain now, and continue them as their kids grow and change. 

 

 

Also, one of our speakers in D.C. was Dr. Lisa Damour (@lisa.damour), author of the book: The Emotional Lives of Teenagers , has some great advice and I highly recommend her book and following her on social media for more practical advice, especially when it comes to parenting teenagers. Dr. Damour discussed how there are many inaccurate conversations about mental health right now, specifically around teens and mental health. Mental health isn’t always about feeling good, but is about having feelings that fit with what’s happening, even upsetting feelings, and then it’s about managing them well. With respect to managing feelings well, we all have two options; Either we manage in way that brings relief and does no harm, or we choose ways that can cause harm.

 

Family Music Therapy

 

There are so many mental health benefits of music therapy. You know the feelings that come up when you hear a nostalgic song from the past or a song that may trigger you because of something toxic that happened to you years ago? Or maybe there is a song that helps you cope through a difficult moment, whether classical or heavy metal, that gets you through tough times? What music do you listen to when you are sad? When you are happy? When you are angry? Whether you are the type of person to create playlists, listen to one particular song or your favorite band, or even make your own music via instruments, music is very powerful and can evoke a variety of emotions and help you cope with feelings of all kinds.

 

Do you know what kind of music your kids like to listen to? What bands do they prefer? What messages are they learning? What are the lyrics? Does music stimulate them or soothe them? What is on their playlists for all of their emotions?

 

During our trip in Washington D.C., Dr. Damour also discussed how teens in particular don’t necessarily want to talk about their feelings, but if you ask them about music playlists, they will often tell you they have a specific feelings playlist. This is a great prompt for parents to engage with their kids about how they manage their emotions and find ways to feel better. When Dr. Damour asked kids about the names of their playlists, here are some of the great ones she heard: “Grrr” “Sad and peaceful” “pure feminist rage” “Calm down” and one of the favorites, no name to the playlist, just a bunch of emojis. She finds that teens go to the playlist that matches their mood. One teen admitted that their playlist “Low key devious” – is what they listen too when they want to be naughty but don’t want to get in trouble.

 

So how powerful would it be to encourage your kids to have a feelings playlist? Or better yet, have a family playlist of songs? And how therapeutic it would be to listen to these songs together? Each member of the family can contribute some of their favorite songs that can be listened to together while everyone gathers around the dinner table or has a dance party together after school to decompress from the day, Maybe you have a few different playlists for different emotional states. Or maybe you just have a nostalgic playlist of songs you listen to together when you are in the car to and from school or on a road trip. It’s true that parents, teens and younger children have different music preferences, but there can be a compromise. For example, my husband and I both love bands like The Beatles, Pearl Jam, and Tristan Prettyman, our pre-tween loves Taylor Swift and Gwen Stefani, and our younger son loves Imagine Dragons, but as a family, there are songs we all love collectively from all of these artists as well. I know there is a song and or a band you can all enjoy together – and music a great way to grow and strengthen your attachment with each other! And you don’t have it stop there – have some spontaneous fun and have a dance party or backyard bbq while playing games while you listen to get some extra movement and fresh air! They are effective and healthy stress relievers and one of the best ways to cope and connect together this summer!

 

 This post is sponsored by @go_faar but all opinions are my own.

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Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children.

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TODAY.com Parenting Team Parenting Contributor

About Dr. Kim

Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children. Read More…

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🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had t 🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had today! 🇺🇸

As soon as we woke up I started educating my children, specifically my daughter, on what the inauguration meant and why today was such a special day in history. We both were glued to the television as we watched @kamalaharris be sworn in as the first Black South Asian woman Vice President and @joebiden be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. We also were powerfully moved hearing @amandascgorman - the youngest inaugural poet in history recite “The Hill We Climb.” 

My daughter was so excited to participate and recite the Pledge of Allegiance with the rest of the county and she was so proud to see and be a part of history in the making. I haven’t been to Washington D.C. in about 8 years but I promised I would take her one day when the pandemic is over. 

In the meantime, I have a fun fact for you! Did you know that President Joe Biden and I both graduated from the same university? Yep! We both went to @syracuseu 🍊 And in fact, @joebiden is the first @syracuseu alumnus to become President of the United States! 

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This time of year is notorious for dry air, allerg This time of year is notorious for dry air, allergies, and sinus trouble. #ad 

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And at night, it helps my sinuses as I sleep, especially when the dry air of the heater is on, and it has a nightlight so my kids can see where they are going in the middle of the night when they inevitably need water or a hug! 

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Throwing it back to one of the first mommy and me photos I ever posted on my feed because I’ve been teaching my daughter about gratitude since she was this little, possibly even younger (she is two here for reference)! 

Gratitude is such an important virtue and must have trait to build a child’s character. It also shows therapeutic benefits when you show gratitude to others, so why wouldn’t you want to make it a priority to teach and instill in your children? 

In this blog, I have suggestions for how to teach children gratitude broken down by ages and stages from infancy to teenage years, while also including some conversation prompts, and links to my favorite gratitude journals for busy families that we use here at home! 

Find the direct link to read in my bio and stories! I also published similar articles on @todayparents and @redtricycle if you follow me there! #drkimblog
DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️ I am DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I am that mom who wants to do it all and when I get overwhelmed or start suffering from a major case of burnout, I feel guilty if I take a break instead of giving my body and mind permission to slow down or even stop. 

As moms we often feel guilty if we take a break or believe we are perceived as weak if we ask for help. I have learned that the more I ask for help and the more time I take for myself, the better I am for my children. 

Guilt is an emotional response to something you perceived you did wrong, but when you experience unnecessary guilt, it’s counterproductive to healing and helping you with what you need most. So give it a try and let me know how you are going to take a break and not feel guilty about it this week below in the comments! ⤵️ #drkimparentingtips #theparentologist #drkimparentingadvice
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I am so excited to have all of these new items from the @erincondren Hello Kitty collection that launched today to keep work fun, playful, and reminiscent of childhood - something all adults need a little more of, am I right? 

The collection is all about organization, kindness, and friendship. My favorite piece of the collection is the “Daily Kindness and Joy Journal” that boldly says BE KIND, BE NICE, REPEAT on the front cover but I am also pretty obsessed with the Hello Kitty x Erin Condren Pencil Case and Vegan Leather Padfolio! 

Swipe to see my business attire on top and activewear on the bottom work style! 😉 And head to my stories to see it all up close and for your convenience I have everything linked for you http://liketk.it/35XZC and make sure to follow me at THEPARENTOLOGIST @liketoknow.it  for more of my favorites!!! #liketkit #erincondren
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For the last 3 years I have spent my career therapeutically helping families and children of all ages on the Autism Spectrum. Play has been a fundamental way for many of my clients to communicate if they are non-verbal. And some of my clients have had to be taught how to play with a toy or another person. The play ideas listed on the blog can be used with children with or without special needs. Play is a universal way a child can explore their world in a way that makes sense to them and cultivate imagination, creativity, and fun! As a Registered Play Therapist, I love the work I do and couldn’t be prouder of the progress my clients have made with play over the years! #drkimblog
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These winter months have been so dry and my eczema has been flaring up. Can anyone relate? For decades I have used a variety of treatment options from over-the-counter ointments and lotions to doctor prescribed steroid medication. In today’s blog, I am partnering with @mediqcme to share more of my story and struggles with atopic dermatitis as well as some new treatment options! If you or a loved one suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis it’s a must read! 
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{New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get {New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want” 
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As a Registered Play Therapist, play is the foundation to the way I help children conceptualize and conquer the world. Play is second nature to children and the way they respond to many of life’s obstacles. Sometimes as parents, it is easy to get into a power match with your children, especially when you want your children to comply with a request and they won’t budge. When this happens, we need to change the way our adult mind thinks and switch it to the way a child thinks. Instead of giving them a punitive consequence, try these play recommendations that can be used with children as young as toddlerhood all the way to adolescents! #drkimblog 
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It’s is usually around this time that I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish for the year. And whether you believe in making resolutions, affirmations, or goals, it is time to be proactive!! On the blog, I outlined an organizational system I use year after year to help me accomplish my goals. And I hope they work for you!! 
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What are some of your goals you want to accomplish this year? 
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