Siblings have such a unique relationship that is unlike any other. They share a special bond and yet one minute they are snuggling, playing, and getting along, and the next minute they are arguing and not speaking to each other. Sibling rivalry is expected and even developmentally appropriate. Fighting and competing with each other are normal behaviors but there are things parents can do to help build a sibling relationship so it will thrive and not go sour, resentful, and critical.
Although this post is meant for children of all ages, I do want to mention that when a parent is expecting a new sibling to join the family, preparing your first born and or older child will help them adjust better and quicker. I usually recommend getting some sibling baby books, a baby doll with accessories like diapers, bottles, and pacifiers to practice playing with and taking care of, and then also setting up new boundaries and routines before baby is born. For example, if your older child needs to change rooms, be types, start daycare, move car seats, or even be potty trained, do this before the baby is born. And then once baby is born, do what you can to still put your older child first. A good rule of thumb is to keep routines in place as much as possible. And when both of your children are crying, tend to your older one first, then the baby, unless it’s an emergency or safety situation.
For older siblings, meaning ones that are old enough to actively play together, here are some tips that will help build relationships from toddlerhood to teenagers!
Limit Playing Referee
Don’t always feel like you need to intervene. Sometimes children need to figure it out for themselves and ride it out. Unless a child is physically hurting another child, pause before stepping in. A big aspect of child development is learning how to problem solve. I have noticed that sometimes, the more parents intervene when sibling problems occur, the more problems will perpetuate. Then, tattling takes over telling and a bigger problem persists. Plus, this alleviates pressure from parents to feel like they always have to step in. Good news! You are off the hook a little and don’t need to get involved or take sides every time they squabble. And if your children come to you for advice or help, encourage and ask them to try and solve the problem themselves first, and then if they try and still can’t come to a solution, then you can step in and help.
Dual Praise
When one sibling is on task or showing good behavior toward one another, praise them and the other sibling may follow suit. Show them by example what behavior you want them to have. If one child is sharing their toys graciously, make sure you tell them that you notice! Be specific with your praise and say something like “Great job sharing your toys with your brother. That is a great way to be kind to others.” If one sibling is eating their vegetables at dinner and the other sibling isn’t, praise the one sibling for trying new foods and eating vegetables that will make them strong and healthy. Maybe even offer a treat of some kind like a marshmallow to eat after dinner – and surprisingly you may notice your other child wanting a marshmallow treat and eat their vegetables in turn, too!
Positive Compliments
When we sit down for dinner, everyone at the table says something positive about each family member. The compliments have to be different than what the others say, so in our home, each person gets 4 unique compliments. And siblings each take a turn saying something kind about one another. This practice helps facilitate focusing on the positive traits of others and helps cultivate a deeper relationship with each other. Plus, eating meals together on a regular basis helps develop deeper shared experiences together.
Share and Support
When it comes to activities, encourage your children to participate together. We want our children to be individuals and chase their own dreams, but participating in a team sport or group activity together will help build a stronger relationship. Enroll them in something they both want, like an art class, a sport of some kind, or a team cooking class. And when they are old enough to do their own thing, make sure you encourage your children to support each other at each of their events, games, etc. We consider individual events as family activities and when my daughter has a gymnastics tournament, our son comes to support his sister. And when my son has a soccer game, our daughter comes to support her brother. We are a family unit and we support each other in all of our activities!
Task Team Building
Have your siblings bond over a joint task. For example, to strengthen their attachment and avoid unnecessary rivalry, have them come up with an idea or work on a project together instead of competing with each other. Have them agree and decide on what the family eats for dinner, what game to play during game night, or what movie to watch over the weekend. They could also engage in an art or craft that they build, create, and compete together. Any sort of group team building project will help build positive attachment where they have to learn and build communication skills, share tasks, and help each other to come up with a final product. Once they are done, they will feel good about what they accomplished together and closer because they worked on it together instead of competing together on doing a project individually. Plus this encourages them to spend quality time together, which will create shared memories, and grow a deeper bond together.
Date All of Your Children
Make sure to regularly take your children out individually on dates. I typically suggest having each parent or caretaker take each child out once a month. For some children who are displaying more challenging behavior patterns, I recommend dates once a week as a reinforcer, but once a month should suffice. The date is not meant to be something that you normally do like go to the grocery store, but something intentional and unique that is just for you and that child. By dating all of your children, this helps them feel special and loved by each parent. This is especially helpful for big families with a lot of siblings but is also beneficial for only children and two-sibling families.
Always Make a Repair
When your children argue, make sure once all parties are calm, have your child make a repair with the other child. This could mean a simple apology and hug or even drawing an apology picture or writing a letter to the other sibling. It is important to not only have the at fault child apologize (or maybe both are at fault and both need to apologize) but also the other child not at fault to forgive the other child. This process and closure will help repair any grudges and long term damage and resentment that can build between siblings and help grow their attachment, love, and trust for a deeper relationship in the future.
Leave a Reply