Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!

 

When is the last time you have had sex with your spouse or long term partner? Have you ever wondered how much other couples with children are having sex? Do they share the same barriers? Has it been less since having children? And what do you do if you are in a dry spot? How do other couples do it? (no pun intended) 🙂

 

 

And now that we have been quarantined, how has that affected your relationship? It’s not normal to be with other human beings without a break for as long as we have been while staying at home. Tensions and boredom are at an all time high and you may have even suffered from being furloughed or laid off from work, which has added to stress and less emotional and or sexual availability. Have you had less sex because there have been more stressors or more sex because you are home together all the time and there are more opportunities to have sex? In a recent poll I took on Instagram, more people reported having LESS sex since quarantine began compared to normal. In fact, 68% said they were having less sex since quarantine compared to normal, and 32% said they were having more! What about you?

 

 

Sexual intimacy is a healthy aspect of any relationship and a necessary one to keep a relationship alive. Similarly to watering a plant, a relationship won’t grow without nurturing and constant care. Look at sex as self care and overall wellness to your relationship just as you would drinking water, eating food, and exercising to stay alive. Sex also increases endorphins, which lowers stress and depression. Sex is also known to lower blood pressure and be healthy for the heart (in more ways than one)! Plus, research has shown that sex increases immunity, life span, and overall happiness!

 

As a Doctor of Psychology and as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist , it should come to no surprise that I have a passion for research, especially in the field of relationships. In fact, my dissertation was on the topic of intimacy among married couples. And as a university professor, I have also taught Sex Therapy to Master’s and Doctoral level students. That being said, awhile back, I anonymously surveyed over 100 moms and asked them all the hard and personal questions about their sex life, and I analyzed their answers in this blog!

 

 

But first, another recent poll I took on Instagram with anyone who wanted to respond within a 24 hour time frame, indicated that they are having sex weekly. Here is the breakdown of responses:

Weekly: 54%

Monthly: 25%

Yearly: 9%

Sex, what is that?: 12%

 

Sexual Intimacy Survey Questions and Responses

 

Question #1: Do you identify as a mom or a dad? How many hours a week do you spend with your spouse/partner alone (not counting being asleep in the same bed).

Every person who answered this survey identified as a mom. I didn’t intend the outcome to be this way, but the majority of my followers are female and that is the sample I have the most access to, so this makes sense. The responses varied from spending 0-50 hours a week with their significant other. However, some of these couples both worked from home, so some of the extremely high hours were rare. On average, the majority of the responses ranged from 0-28, which is about 4 hours a day. The most common responses were 0-2 hours a day (35% of responses) or 10-15 hours a week (20% of responses). The responses ranging between 3 and 10 hours a week were about 3-5 responses each (27% of responses). 11% of those responses ranged from 28-50 hours a week, and the remaining 7% didn’t properly answer the question.

 

Question #2: How many years have you and your spouse/partner been together romantically? Are you currently dating, engaged or married?

The majority of the responses (92%) were married and ranged between being together for 2-20 years, however, only 3 people said they were married for 2 years and only one person said they were married for 20 years. Many of the couples surveyed reported being together for many years before actually getting married, and many of them were together almost twice as long as they were married. Only 4 moms surveyed were “engaged” and 4 others were “living together” or “dating.” The engaged couples ranged being together from 7-12 years and the living together/dating couples were together from 2.5-6 years. The most common amount of years being romantically together was 11 years (14% of responses) and 7 years (13% of responses), and 10 years (11% of responses). On average, the most common responses were married between 6-11 years.

 

Question #3: What is your relationship’s biggest strength? What is your spouse/partner’s biggest strength in your relationship? What is your biggest strength in your relationship?

A major theme I saw in the responses were trust, loyalty, honesty, friendship, humor, open communication, forgiveness, and teamwork. Here are some of the responses:

“We are a team”

Question #4: How many children do you have? And what are their ages?

The majority of moms who took the survey reported having only one child. The majority of these one child families had infants or toddlers, and some of them were also pregnant with another child on the way. Furthermore, the couples that had less children were having more sex. The couples with multiple children were having less sex. The couples that has older children were also having more sex. Here is a breakdown of the responses:

1 child: 44%

2 children: 31%

3 Children: 13%

4 Children: 4%

5 Children: 7%

6 Children: 0

7 Children: 1%

 

Question #5: What is the biggest barrier in your intimacy with your spouse/partner? Please try to include emotional, sexual, and or spiritual intimacy.

The most common response was TIME, or lack of time to be more accurate. Many other popular responses revolved around being too tired, not spending or having much time together, or themes revolved around parenting and having small children that sleep next to or in the same bed. Another very common trend was lack of communication and lack of emotional and or sexual intimacy with each other. There were numerous responses that also revolved around stressors with extended family, financial stress, work traveling and or work stress, and other external situations that became a barrier between the couple preventing a healthy sexual relationship. Here are some other responses:

“Our biggest barrier to intimacy is our past abuse.”

“Our biggest barrier is time. Due to working opposite shifts and going to school its hard to find time for ourselves.”

” tired!!! By the end of the day I just want “me time” instead of pleasing someone else. I’m taking care of kids all day, feels like just another thing to take care of him now too.”

 

Question #6: Has intimacy with your spouse/partner changed since you have had children? How?

The astounding answer was YES!! In fact, 90% of the responses indicated that intimacy decreased after having children, and more  so with multiple children. There were 10% of responses that said having children really didn’t affect intimacy. However, there were some of moms who said that after children answered “yes and no” and that they just had to get creative on how to spend intimate moments together. The most common reasons why were time, exhaustion, lack of intimacy, body image after birth, co-sleeping, and other stressors like finances, work, or extended family. Here are some of those responses:

 

Question #7: Who is the intimacy leader in your relationship? In other words, who initiates more emotional, sexual, and or spiritual intimacy in your relationship? Please answer each!

 

About 60% of responses indicated that the husband was the sexual intimacy leader in the relationship. About 25% said the wife initiated more sexual intimacy, and about 15% said sexual intimacy was initiated equally. Overall, wives also initiated more emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy.

 

Question #8: How often do you and your spouse/partner have sexual intimacy in your relationship? How many times a week, or month or year?

The question you have all been waiting for…how much are other couples having sex? In this survey, similarly to the survey I took on Instagram, the overwhelming answer was weekly. But it is just over 50%, keep in mind that about half (47%) ranged from having sex monthly to yearly to none. So when you look at it that way, it’s about even, 50/50 when you look at the results as a whole. But since 53% of respondents reported weekly and then next percentage was only 17%, it sure looks like weekly is the winner. And in this survey, since there were 100 responses, over half reported having sex weekly, which was the majority compared to the other responses. Here is a breakdown of the results:

Weekly: 53%

Bi-Monthly: 17%

Monthly: 10%

Quarterly: 5%

Yearly: 2%

Rarely/None: 10%

Unknown: 3%

 

Question #9: How often do you “date” your spouse/partner? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly?

The majority of answers reported MONTHLY with 25% but NONE was a close second with 20%. It’s all how you look at the research and that’s why research can be skewed sometimes. Sometimes it’s about perspective. In this survey, most answers were spread out pretty evenly.

Here is the breakdown of answers:

Weekly: 13

Bi-Monthly: 10

Monthly: 25

Quarterly: 12

Yearly: 17

None: 20

Didn’t Respond Clearly: 3

 

Question #10: Do you have positive support from your immediate family or in laws to help with the children? If not, what other supports do you have?

The majority of moms surveyed (60%) reported having little to no support with the children, whether it was having physical support with childcare and or moral and or emotional support. Many of the responses included having family that lived far away and or had a strained relationship with extended family, or having parents of elder age that weren’t able to help out much. About 40% of responses said YES they have a nanny and or extended family nearby that helps with the children. Does this mean that the couples that have a stronger support system get to go on more dates and or have a better emotional and sexual relationship? The evidence suggests there is a correlation between the two.

So how much sex should you be having?

There are multiple research articles that estimate that the average adult enjoys sex 54 times a year, which is roughly once a week, just like my research showed. However, how many of these adults are in a long term relationship and how many have children? Sex is just as much physiological and emotional as it is physical. There are a lot of factors to consider “average” or “normal.” So instead of worrying about statistics, focus on your overall sexual satisfaction in your relationship. If you, and or your partner, are not sexually fulfilled in your relationship, then there may be a need to have more sex. Check in with each other abs communicate your needs. If you are both sexually satisfied, keep up being you! If not, there are things you can do to help your sexual intimacy with each other. And if you really think you need professional help, please seek out a therapist in your area.

 

So how do you fit in emotional and sexual intimacy with your partner? Here are some tips:

 

First and foremost, read a blog my husband and I wrote on connecting after children titled “The Importance of Dating Your Spouse!”

 

For an emotional connection, try John Gottman’s “6 Hours a Week to a Better Relationship”

 

 

For a sexual connection, start small. Start with baby steps toward sexual intercourse. Try holding hands and back massages before going to the next step. Take each step slowly but make sure you are progressing to the next level! When you are ready, try:

-While the children are napping during the day (this helps put less pressure on doing it in the evening when you are both stressed and exhausted from the day)

-Take a night away and have extended family or a friend exchange watch your children (if you have the support, take advantage of it and have an overnight or weekend date! If you don’t have family nearby to help, ask a friend to watch your children one night and then offer to watch her children on a different night in exchange for a kid swap!)

-In the shower before the kids wake up to start the day! (Sometimes a change of environment somewhere other than a bed can help spice things up!)

-Put a “sex date” on your partner’s calendar! (If you aren’t the spontaneous type, schedule it out so you both have something to look forward to)

 

 

Limitations to my study include not learning more about age. Does age and libido affect sexual intimacy? Another limitation is culture. How much does culture play a role in sexual intimacy? Another limitation is not having any dads answer the survey. All of the answers were from a mom/wife perspective. Something I would like to add in a future study to expand on this one is, how much does sexual intimacy change after the couple is done having children? If a couple is done “trying” to have children, does sex lessen at that point? I also did not focus on other barriers like molestation and sexual assault, infertility, and other mental and or sexual disorders that could affect sexual intimacy in a relationship. I know there are probably more limitations, but those are the main ones I thought of when writing this article.