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The ABC’s of Behavior

As a child behavior expert, I often get asked from parents how to help manage their child’s behavior. And although there are many factors that can contribute to a child’s behavior, I have outlined the most common reasons why children misbehave on this blog. These ABC’s of behavior are listed below as well as other motivators as well as how to track it and what to do about it!

Children don’t go out of their way to misbehave or upset their caregivers. In fact, research has shown that children innately want to perform well and make their parents happy. There is often a specific reason for why they are behaving a certain way so if you act as a parent detective, these practical tips will help bring awareness, help you understand, and give you solutions so you can support your child and cultivate change!

Plus there is a FREE DOWNLOAD at the bottom!

 

 

A: Avoidance

The first reason children may misbehave is because they want to try and avoid a person or task. This could mean pretending to be sick so they can avoid going to school because they don’t like their teacher, or picking a fight with a classmate at recess to get sent to the principal’s office so they get out of taking their math test. They might throw a fit before bath time because they want to keep playing or tell you how much they dislike you just to be sent to their room so they can play instead of eat their vegetables.  When this happens, try to be a detective and find out what your child is trying to avoid. Once you find it, you can come up with a solution together. Remember, the answer isn’t always on the surface. It is often hidden, but the behavior is often predictable and repetitive and with enough mindful tracking, can be found.

 

B: Boredom

A second reason children may misbehave is because they are bored. In reality, a little boredom is good for a child’s soul and often is a time that can evoke creativity and imaginative play, but if a child is left to a long period of time without any type of physical movement or intellectual stimulation, they might act out because of boredom. When children are bored, they find stimulation, which can sometimes mean getting into mischief. There is typically no malintent to their behavior when boredom is the reason, but it is still a prominent reason children can misbehave. When this happens, pay attention to how much movement and activity they have had that day or how stimulated they are with various activities. And ask yourself how much time have you paid attention to them that day? Do you need to set up an arts and craft table for them so you can do the dishes? Do they need a backyard play break to run around and get some fresh air? Look at your day objectively and find a way to give your child a task or change up the scene.

 

C: Connection (Attention seeking)

A third reason children may misbehave is because they are trying to connect with their caregiver. If they are feeling lonely, insecure, or a variety of other tender emotions, they may act out in order to get your attention and may not always do it in a positive way. Children are so smart and sometimes will try one way and if their needs aren’t met, they will try again in a different way, and this way may look like crying, having a tantrum, picking an argument, all because they want you to pay attention to them. They are seeking connection and don’t always have the words, language, or courage to say, ” I am sad and need you right now.” Thus the maladaptive behaviors start occurring. When this happens, I recommend setting a designated time to spend with your child without technology or distractions. Really listen to them and be present and validate their needs. A little intentional one-on-one time goes a long way.

 

Power

A fourth reason children may misbehave is over a power struggle. If a child isn’t feeling heard, respected, empowered, or validated, they often resort to fighting for some sort of power in their lives, even if that means misbehaving to do so. When this happens, it is a sign to parents to rip off the bandage and find what is cut deep down inside beneath the skin. Take a moment and sit down with them and find out how they can feel heard, empowered, respected, and validated. Trust me, less arguments occur when this extra step is made each day or week depending on your child’s need.

 

 

What is Your Child’s Motivation? 

Often times, we can notice a pattern when a child misbehaves. Here are the main ones that you can go over in your head and or track when your child acts out.

Hunger

Illness

Sadness

Anger

Lack of Sleep

Life Change

 

 

Other Functions of Behavior

 

Tangible (Denial of Access)

Does your child misbehave or act out when they are told “NO” or told they aren’t allowed to have a particular snack or watch something on television? Sometimes that one word can set a child off if they don’t know the why to the reason behind the word. If you need to deny access to your child, let them know why and then either offer an alternative or let them know when they can have what they want whether it be the next day or another time you designate.

 

Sensory (Sensory Seeking)

Is your child getting their sensory needs met? Do they need to let out some frustration on a punching bag or pillow? Do they need squeezes from a stuffed animal? Maybe they are nervous and need to do some deep bubble or straw breathing. Whatever the case may be, if your child is a tactile stimulation or sensory seeking child, this may be the reason they are misbehaving if their sensory needs aren’t being met.

 

Communication (Lack of speech and language skills)

Is your child able to talk yet? Maybe you have a toddler or a young child with a speech and language delay or even a non-verbal child and they have a difficult time expressing their needs verbally and get easily frustrated when they feel like you don’t know what they want and how to help. When a child can’t effectively communicate to their caregiver, they often times act out because of frustration, not because they want to be difficult.

 

How Do You Track It? FREE DOWNLOAD!!!

Parentologist – The ABC Chart for Behavior

I highly recommend printing this ABC Chart and hanging it up on your fridge for easy access. The best way to understand a child’s behavior and their motivation for behaving is by tracking it. This chart will enable you to track if the behavior is minor, moderate, severe as well if there is a pattern. Tracking their behavior will give you clues as to their motivation for misbehaving so you can find solutions.

 

 

What Can You Do?

The best way to help a child who is misbehaving is to:

 

Compassion

Your child is learning and won’t always do things the “right” way or the best way. Give your child some grace for how they are behaving and take time to love them and teach them how you want them to act and let them know the door is always open for them to talk to you.

Validate

Even if they misbehaved or you don’t agree with how they are feeling, validate them and let them know they are loved, respected, honored, and heard.

Empathize

Put yourself in your child’s shoes and let them know you understand how they feel, despite how they acted.

Set Limits

Let your child know that how they acted and the choice they made isn’t the way they should act and give them examples of how they can express themselves more effectively in the future. Don’t assume they already know, teach them how to behave the way you want!

Set a Date

Does your child need some extra attention and connection? Set a date to take them out for a one-on-one date!

Give A Task

Do they need to feel important or empowered? Give them a task to be a helper! Give them purpose!

Let Them Try Again

Let them show you how to behave even if they aren’t doing it the bet way the first time.

 

I hope you found these practical tips helpful!!

 

 

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Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children.

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TODAY.com Parenting Team Parenting Contributor

About Dr. Kim

Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children. Read More…

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🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had t 🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had today! 🇺🇸

As soon as we woke up I started educating my children, specifically my daughter, on what the inauguration meant and why today was such a special day in history. We both were glued to the television as we watched @kamalaharris be sworn in as the first Black South Asian woman Vice President and @joebiden be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. We also were powerfully moved hearing @amandascgorman - the youngest inaugural poet in history recite “The Hill We Climb.” 

My daughter was so excited to participate and recite the Pledge of Allegiance with the rest of the county and she was so proud to see and be a part of history in the making. I haven’t been to Washington D.C. in about 8 years but I promised I would take her one day when the pandemic is over. 

In the meantime, I have a fun fact for you! Did you know that President Joe Biden and I both graduated from the same university? Yep! We both went to @syracuseu 🍊 And in fact, @joebiden is the first @syracuseu alumnus to become President of the United States! 

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This time of year is notorious for dry air, allerg This time of year is notorious for dry air, allergies, and sinus trouble. #ad 

And since I work from home, it can get quite noisy and distracting with my husband and two children here, so sometimes I get my best work done in the comfort of my own bed. And the best part is that I can have my new @crane_usa “4 in 1” cool mist humidifier on at all times with essential oils to help with overall wellness and since it comes with a sound machine I can block out the other noises in the house! 

And at night, it helps my sinuses as I sleep, especially when the dry air of the heater is on, and it has a nightlight so my kids can see where they are going in the middle of the night when they inevitably need water or a hug! 

This is our 6th #cranehumidifier style and it’s my favorite one yet! Check out my stories for a closer look! 👀 #happyhealthyhumidity 

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{New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude {New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude” 🌱✨🌸

Throwing it back to one of the first mommy and me photos I ever posted on my feed because I’ve been teaching my daughter about gratitude since she was this little, possibly even younger (she is two here for reference)! 

Gratitude is such an important virtue and must have trait to build a child’s character. It also shows therapeutic benefits when you show gratitude to others, so why wouldn’t you want to make it a priority to teach and instill in your children? 

In this blog, I have suggestions for how to teach children gratitude broken down by ages and stages from infancy to teenage years, while also including some conversation prompts, and links to my favorite gratitude journals for busy families that we use here at home! 

Find the direct link to read in my bio and stories! I also published similar articles on @todayparents and @redtricycle if you follow me there! #drkimblog
DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️ I am DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I am that mom who wants to do it all and when I get overwhelmed or start suffering from a major case of burnout, I feel guilty if I take a break instead of giving my body and mind permission to slow down or even stop. 

As moms we often feel guilty if we take a break or believe we are perceived as weak if we ask for help. I have learned that the more I ask for help and the more time I take for myself, the better I am for my children. 

Guilt is an emotional response to something you perceived you did wrong, but when you experience unnecessary guilt, it’s counterproductive to healing and helping you with what you need most. So give it a try and let me know how you are going to take a break and not feel guilty about it this week below in the comments! ⤵️ #drkimparentingtips #theparentologist #drkimparentingadvice
DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when yo DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when you were little - and still do! 🙋🏼‍♀️🐱#ad

I am so excited to have all of these new items from the @erincondren Hello Kitty collection that launched today to keep work fun, playful, and reminiscent of childhood - something all adults need a little more of, am I right? 

The collection is all about organization, kindness, and friendship. My favorite piece of the collection is the “Daily Kindness and Joy Journal” that boldly says BE KIND, BE NICE, REPEAT on the front cover but I am also pretty obsessed with the Hello Kitty x Erin Condren Pencil Case and Vegan Leather Padfolio! 

Swipe to see my business attire on top and activewear on the bottom work style! 😉 And head to my stories to see it all up close and for your convenience I have everything linked for you http://liketk.it/35XZC and make sure to follow me at THEPARENTOLOGIST @liketoknow.it  for more of my favorites!!! #liketkit #erincondren
{New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and {New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and Role Play Ideas for Children with Autism” 🧩 🧸 🚂 ⚽️ 
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For the last 3 years I have spent my career therapeutically helping families and children of all ages on the Autism Spectrum. Play has been a fundamental way for many of my clients to communicate if they are non-verbal. And some of my clients have had to be taught how to play with a toy or another person. The play ideas listed on the blog can be used with children with or without special needs. Play is a universal way a child can explore their world in a way that makes sense to them and cultivate imagination, creativity, and fun! As a Registered Play Therapist, I love the work I do and couldn’t be prouder of the progress my clients have made with play over the years! #drkimblog
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{New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control {New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control of Your Eczema” #ad 
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These winter months have been so dry and my eczema has been flaring up. Can anyone relate? For decades I have used a variety of treatment options from over-the-counter ointments and lotions to doctor prescribed steroid medication. In today’s blog, I am partnering with @mediqcme to share more of my story and struggles with atopic dermatitis as well as some new treatment options! If you or a loved one suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis it’s a must read! 
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Plus there is a survey at the end of the blog you can fill out and opt in to be entered to win 1 of 10 VISA gift cards! 🙌🏻 Link in bio and in stories! #itchyskinhelp #drkimblog
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{New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get {New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want” 
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As a Registered Play Therapist, play is the foundation to the way I help children conceptualize and conquer the world. Play is second nature to children and the way they respond to many of life’s obstacles. Sometimes as parents, it is easy to get into a power match with your children, especially when you want your children to comply with a request and they won’t budge. When this happens, we need to change the way our adult mind thinks and switch it to the way a child thinks. Instead of giving them a punitive consequence, try these play recommendations that can be used with children as young as toddlerhood all the way to adolescents! #drkimblog 
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{New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effect {New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effectively in 2021” ✨ 
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It’s is usually around this time that I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish for the year. And whether you believe in making resolutions, affirmations, or goals, it is time to be proactive!! On the blog, I outlined an organizational system I use year after year to help me accomplish my goals. And I hope they work for you!! 
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What are some of your goals you want to accomplish this year? 
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