As a child behavior expert, I often get asked from parents how to help manage their child’s behavior. And although there are many factors that can contribute to a child’s behavior, I have outlined the most common reasons why children misbehave on this blog. These ABC’s of behavior are listed below as well as other motivators as well as how to track it and what to do about it!
Children don’t go out of their way to misbehave or upset their caregivers. In fact, research has shown that children innately want to perform well and make their parents happy. There is often a specific reason for why they are behaving a certain way so if you act as a parent detective, these practical tips will help bring awareness, help you understand, and give you solutions so you can support your child and cultivate change!
Plus there is a FREE DOWNLOAD at the bottom!
A: Avoidance
The first reason children may misbehave is because they want to try and avoid a person or task. This could mean pretending to be sick so they can avoid going to school because they don’t like their teacher, or picking a fight with a classmate at recess to get sent to the principal’s office so they get out of taking their math test. They might throw a fit before bath time because they want to keep playing or tell you how much they dislike you just to be sent to their room so they can play instead of eat their vegetables. When this happens, try to be a detective and find out what your child is trying to avoid. Once you find it, you can come up with a solution together. Remember, the answer isn’t always on the surface. It is often hidden, but the behavior is often predictable and repetitive and with enough mindful tracking, can be found.
B: Boredom
A second reason children may misbehave is because they are bored. In reality, a little boredom is good for a child’s soul and often is a time that can evoke creativity and imaginative play, but if a child is left to a long period of time without any type of physical movement or intellectual stimulation, they might act out because of boredom. When children are bored, they find stimulation, which can sometimes mean getting into mischief. There is typically no malintent to their behavior when boredom is the reason, but it is still a prominent reason children can misbehave. When this happens, pay attention to how much movement and activity they have had that day or how stimulated they are with various activities. And ask yourself how much time have you paid attention to them that day? Do you need to set up an arts and craft table for them so you can do the dishes? Do they need a backyard play break to run around and get some fresh air? Look at your day objectively and find a way to give your child a task or change up the scene.
C: Connection (Attention seeking)
A third reason children may misbehave is because they are trying to connect with their caregiver. If they are feeling lonely, insecure, or a variety of other tender emotions, they may act out in order to get your attention and may not always do it in a positive way. Children are so smart and sometimes will try one way and if their needs aren’t met, they will try again in a different way, and this way may look like crying, having a tantrum, picking an argument, all because they want you to pay attention to them. They are seeking connection and don’t always have the words, language, or courage to say, ” I am sad and need you right now.” Thus the maladaptive behaviors start occurring. When this happens, I recommend setting a designated time to spend with your child without technology or distractions. Really listen to them and be present and validate their needs. A little intentional one-on-one time goes a long way.
Power
A fourth reason children may misbehave is over a power struggle. If a child isn’t feeling heard, respected, empowered, or validated, they often resort to fighting for some sort of power in their lives, even if that means misbehaving to do so. When this happens, it is a sign to parents to rip off the bandage and find what is cut deep down inside beneath the skin. Take a moment and sit down with them and find out how they can feel heard, empowered, respected, and validated. Trust me, less arguments occur when this extra step is made each day or week depending on your child’s need.
What is Your Child’s Motivation?
Often times, we can notice a pattern when a child misbehaves. Here are the main ones that you can go over in your head and or track when your child acts out.
Hunger
Illness
Sadness
Anger
Lack of Sleep
Life Change
Other Functions of Behavior
Tangible (Denial of Access)
Does your child misbehave or act out when they are told “NO” or told they aren’t allowed to have a particular snack or watch something on television? Sometimes that one word can set a child off if they don’t know the why to the reason behind the word. If you need to deny access to your child, let them know why and then either offer an alternative or let them know when they can have what they want whether it be the next day or another time you designate.
Sensory (Sensory Seeking)
Is your child getting their sensory needs met? Do they need to let out some frustration on a punching bag or pillow? Do they need squeezes from a stuffed animal? Maybe they are nervous and need to do some deep bubble or straw breathing. Whatever the case may be, if your child is a tactile stimulation or sensory seeking child, this may be the reason they are misbehaving if their sensory needs aren’t being met.
Communication (Lack of speech and language skills)
Is your child able to talk yet? Maybe you have a toddler or a young child with a speech and language delay or even a non-verbal child and they have a difficult time expressing their needs verbally and get easily frustrated when they feel like you don’t know what they want and how to help. When a child can’t effectively communicate to their caregiver, they often times act out because of frustration, not because they want to be difficult.
How Do You Track It? FREE DOWNLOAD!!!
Parentologist – The ABC Chart for Behavior
I highly recommend printing this ABC Chart and hanging it up on your fridge for easy access. The best way to understand a child’s behavior and their motivation for behaving is by tracking it. This chart will enable you to track if the behavior is minor, moderate, severe as well if there is a pattern. Tracking their behavior will give you clues as to their motivation for misbehaving so you can find solutions.
What Can You Do?
The best way to help a child who is misbehaving is to:
Compassion
Your child is learning and won’t always do things the “right” way or the best way. Give your child some grace for how they are behaving and take time to love them and teach them how you want them to act and let them know the door is always open for them to talk to you.
Validate
Even if they misbehaved or you don’t agree with how they are feeling, validate them and let them know they are loved, respected, honored, and heard.
Empathize
Put yourself in your child’s shoes and let them know you understand how they feel, despite how they acted.
Set Limits
Let your child know that how they acted and the choice they made isn’t the way they should act and give them examples of how they can express themselves more effectively in the future. Don’t assume they already know, teach them how to behave the way you want!
Set a Date
Does your child need some extra attention and connection? Set a date to take them out for a one-on-one date!
Give A Task
Do they need to feel important or empowered? Give them a task to be a helper! Give them purpose!
Let Them Try Again
Let them show you how to behave even if they aren’t doing it the bet way the first time.
I hope you found these practical tips helpful!!
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