I am beyond humbled and thrilled to announce that I had my first national television interview this week!!! I was so honored to be asked to be a guest this week on Dr. Phil’s “The News” on Merit Street Media, a nightly news broadcast on the Merit Street Media television network, that reaches a nationwide audience of over 80 million homes. Merit Street Media’s flagship nightly news broadcast is anchored by Kris Gutierrez who interviewed me about the dangers of coddling parents.
Here are the questions I was asked on and off the air as well as my answers!
How do you define a “coddling” parent?
A coddling parent is a parent who overprotects, overshields, over consoles, and overwhelms their children. These parents have a hard time letting go and not being able to handle their child’s emotions because they also have trouble regulating themselves. Coddling parents tend to come from more of a place of anxiety, fear, and a need for control.
What’s an example of a “coddling” parent?
A coddling parent tends to answer questions for their children, steps in to solve all of a child’s problems (ones that a child is fully capable of handling on their own), and one who overprotects them from any failure or uncomfortable emotion that comes their way, which also means they over console their child if they get emotionally or physically hurt. A coddling parent does not allow their child to make their own decisions, does not allow them to experience failure or wrongdoing, and is extremely needy and controlling. They tend to be everywhere their child is and are only far enough away to swoop in quickly if they perceive they need their help. They will go to extremes to not let their children suffer or fail, doing their homework, calling their teachers and friend’s parents if there is an issue, etc.
What reaction do you have to coddling parents?
First. I believe these parents get a bad rap and these labels can be somewhat damaging to parents who love their kids, mean well, and are doing the best they can, however, there is a more effective way to parent children without coddling them.
What are some PROS to a coddling parent?
Being an “involved” parent can have its benefits. If done at an appropriate level, an involved parent can grow a deep bond with their child. With this close, secure bond, they can also have preventative and proactive conversations about risk factors, social issues at school, and are aware of issues with peers, teachers, and grades. This is beneficial if there is a problem beyond your child’s control. Parents talk and listen with their children to lend support, experience, advice (if requested) . If it goes beyond that, then pause, and reconsider how “involved” you actually are and if you are hindering your child.
If a parent is showing empathy and validation in a gentle way, that shows that the parent is in tune with their child and can more easily help them when a problem arises. Coddling parents mean well and want to “protect” their child, so their parenting method comes from a good place, a caring place. They just don’t want to see their child hurt in any way, but so much so, they go to the extreme end of the spectrum, where the child isn’t able to cope with anything problematic because they don’t know how.
What are some CONS to coddling parenting?
Coddling parenting can have significant issues for a child’s mental health. If a child is constantly being corrected by a parent that is micro managing their every move, it will make the child feel anxious and have a lack of confidence. These children will suffer from low self image and lack age-appropriate coping skills. Studies have shown that if a child is over-parented, they tend to have more indecisiveness, dependency, and ineffective ways to manage conflict, higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, and more problems in school with peers, academics, and life skills.
Children who are coddled tend to grow up feeling like they aren’t capable enough to handle problems on their own. leading to anxiety, fear, low self esteem, and indecisiveness. These children fear making mistakes and often become scared to come to their parents to tell them about anything that isn’t going well in their life, thus, putting a major attachment separation from their parents (which is the exact opposite of what the coddling parent intends or wants). These children also do not take risks, have trouble regulating emotions, and get uncomfortable in difficult situations. Sometimes these children also become very entitled to always get their way from everyone around them and aren’t self starters.
If a child is fearful to make decisions, doesn’t know how to regulate emotions, can’t advocate for themselves with their peers and teachers, if they get uncomfortable with making a mistake or other difficult situations, pause and take a step back and see your role in the situation.
If a child is watching this news program right now… and they want to tell their parent how to back off a little and stop being a “coddling” parent… what should they say?
This is tough. A child trying to ask their coddling parent to “back off” is usually taken as betrayal to the parent. It is difficult to prove to a coddling parent that the child is capable, and even if they do allow their child to do something on their own, they micromanage along the way, and are the first to see them fail and say “I told you so.” A coddling parent needs to feel needed and important. They have to be in control. A child can try to gain more autonomy as they get older, but there will be a power struggle. It is best for the child to try to find autonomy in other places other than the home. At home, they can possibly say, “I’d love to help, I would like to try and do my laundry. I’d love for you to show me how.” or “I’d love to learn how to cook my favorite meal. Can you teach me?” That way, the parent still feels special, needed, and in control as the child is advocating for themselves and learning new independent skills.
How can parents find a balance between protecting their children and letting them fail?
When the going gets tough, show them it’s ok to sit in the mess,
and then give them guidance on how to get up again.
Be involved in your child’s life but don’t control it. Kids need to fall and fail just as much as they need to succeed. Overparenting is more about a parent’s anxiety than it is an effective way to parent. Let your children make a mistake and cry. It’s ok, be there to hug and hold them when they need it afterwards. Let them fail a test. It’s ok, they will learn to study more instead of staying up late playing video games. Be there as their guide or coach without impeding their self image or confidence to handle the world they live in. And teach them how to have a growth mindset. It’s imperative for them to learn these skills in order to function well as an adult. Set them up for success for their future! Instead of overparenting, and stepping in when your child needs help, respond with “how do you think it should be done”? Your kids are more capable and stronger than you think!
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