Now that school has started, your child may have some anxious energy. Some nerves are expected from young children at any age, but if your child becomes preoccupied with an intensive fear of not being with you or their primary caregiver and has physiological distress symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, excessive crying, defiance, or even panic attacks and or nightmares, they may be suffering from separation anxiety. Not only do children with separation anxiety experience these symptoms, they will also have a fear that their primary caregiver won’t be coming back and that something bad will happen to that person when they are away.

 

Seperation anxiety is persistent and lasts for a minimum of 4 weeks for children under the age of 18.  It is expected that most children will experience separation anxiety under the age of 2, primarily sometime between 9 months and 18 months, and then lessening as they reach their second birthday. Children will also have some extra anxiety when starting preschool or grade school, and then again around 3^rd grade. A minimal amount of separation anxiety is considered normal child development. However, first day jitters can affect children of all ages, especially if it’s their first time being away from home or if they are starting a new school. Children that are homeschooled can also benefit from these tips when they go to camps or classes.

 

As a licensed child therapist, I am all about finding solutions for you and your children so you both can be set up for success! If your little one is having trouble adjusting to the new school year, you can try the tips below to see if they help! And if the problems persist or worsen, please ask your child’s school for a counseling referral. Behavioral therapy can help a child with separation anxiety. But remember, children feed from their caregiver’s anxiety. So if you are anxious about your child going to school, especially if it’s the first time, your child will pick up on it and also be anxious. This isn’t to say you cannot be empathetic with your child. Be confident, but also be human. If you are a little scared of the new change it’s fine to have that conversation with your child if they feel the same way. However, if they are showing no fear, be confident, brave, and strong and cry when you get to the car. Your child needs to feel safe in their environment. It is healthy for their development to be able to trust other caregivers, like teachers, and trust that you will return at the end of the day! So what else can you do?

 

First and foremost, there is a resource called Mommy Will Be BackPack available to you to purchase for your child that comes with a hardback book titled Mommy Will Always Come Home by Laura Summer and illustrated by Kathy White. The backpack also comes with a plush green or pink heart, which is weaved into the story. The pillow is intended for children to hold and hug while mom is away, giving the child a physical reminder of mommy’s return. They can even take their backpack to school! Order one via social media on Instagram or Facebook!

 

I also recommend some other helpful books on Amazon and a special gift on Etsy that focuses on separation anxiety:

The Invisible String

The Kissing Hand

When I Miss You

Llama Llama Misses Mama

Helping Your Child Overcome Separation Anxiety or School Refusal: A Step By Step Guide for Parents

What to Do When You Don’t Want to Be Apart: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Separation Anxiety (What-to-Do Guides for Kids)  

Back to School Mommy Daughter Matching Bracelets

 

Dr. Kim’s Top 10 Solutions to Separation Anxiety:

1. Tape, glue or pin a photo of you (or you and your child together) to their backpack, lunchbox, or jacket. This way they have something tangible of you that they can see and touch!
2. Have your child take a pillowcase, shirt, towel, socks, etc to school that has your scent on it to keep in their backpack or at their desk. This will help calm their sensory system when they smell you and feel like you are close.
3. Don’t linger! The longer you stay during/after school drop off will actually make your child more clingy and anxious. Give them a hug and kiss and tell them that you love them and then leave. They are in good hands with professionals that are experienced working with children. The longer you stick around your child will feel as if you don’t trust the environment and will also, in turn, become apprehensive.
4. Prep your child before you leave the house and let them know what to expect. Give them a rundown of what they will do when you drop them off, their daily schedule, and when you’ll be back to pick them up. The more prepared they are, the less they will feel insecure, scared, and anxious about what they are anticipating in their imagination.
5. Give them incremental incentives to look forward to if they are able to stay at school for certain amounts of time without a phone call home to you, crying, or something similar. Start small. Give your child a reward of some kind if they can survive at school without you and without crying until 10am, then lunch, then 2pm, until you reach the entire day. If they take their day in short increments, the day will seem more manageable and appear to go by quicker.
6. Teach them how to tell time! By preschool, most children are able to recognize numbers, so teach your child what time you will be back. They will feel empowered by watching the clock from time to time (no pun intended) to see if it’s the time that you’ll be back! Make sure your child doesn’t become obsessive about this and isn’t constantly asking the teacher what time it is and how much longer until you will be back. I suggest giving them a watch to wear so they can take their “clock” outside during recess and lunch. Otherwise, they may insist to stay inside to stay near the safety of the clock on the wall.
7. If your child is old enough and is allowed, they can schedule a time to text/call you during recess, lunch, and or at regular intervals throughout the day, which you can wean each day or each week as they become more comfortable in their environment.
8. Talk to your child’s teacher about having an older sibling or a buddy/mentor from an older grade that will be assigned to keep them company or check in with them during certain parts of the day. Children typically will be preoccupied in a structured environment like in the classroom, but need some extra love during unstructured times at recess, lunch, and on the playground.
9. Sign your child up for school counseling, even temporarily, for your child to have the opportunity to express themselves emotionally with trained individuals and also learn additional coping skills!
10. Focus on the positive! Ask your child about their favorite part of the day and what went right and try not to dwell on what didn’t go well. Try not to shame them or invalidate their feelings if they are having a tough time adjusting. It can be frustrating, especially if you are a working parent, but try to stay calm and patient and know this phase will pass, too.