For years I would feel guilty if I did anything for myself that didn’t include my children. I felt like if I did, I was betraying them somehow. Taking time away from them wasn’t an option. But I also noticed that when I didn’t make my mental wellbeing a priority, I would became suffocated by stress and even some resentment. I would push myself with responsibility until I was completely overwhelmed and had nothing left to give. I was becoming inundated with feeling conflicted between knowing I needed to take time to care for myself with feeling like I was being a “bad mom” or that I couldn’t “handle it.” I was overcome by feeling trapped by my own emotions, feeling depleted, feeling powerless, and guilty.
There seems to be a global expectation that moms need to “do it all” and this mentality is even encouraged and normalized by society. But this perspective is doing a disservice to moms in regards to their physical and mental health. If a mom asks for help or takes a break, they are often judged and looked upon as being selfish. It doesn’t seem to be as accepted as it should be, and especially after a year of being in a pandemic where moms took on extra responsibility, moms are feeling overloaded and it needs to change. It’s going to take a while for a societal shift, but we can start with changing our own perspective, one mom at a time. I spoke to a mom the other day and she was telling me how tired, stressed, and overwhelmed she felt and I suggested she take a self care break and her response was “I’m a mom, I can’t take a break.” A shift in this mom mentality is imperative and definitely needs more attention, support, and encouragement.
I have learned that when I take time for myself, it doesn’t mean I don’t love my children. It also doesn’t mean I am a bad mom. It means that I am a good mom for recognizing and taking control of my needs, so I can continue to give and not feel depleted. When I take time for myself, it doesn’t mean I’m a selfish mother. But in fact, when I take time for myself, I am empowering myself, strengthening myself, loving myself, and giving myself space in order to be a better mother! But this perspective change takes acceptance. It means that I have to replace feeling guilty and finding room to accept that being a mom, and especially being a mom during a pandemic, has been difficult. It means normalizing self care and giving myself permission to take a break or ask for help when I need it. Think of it this way, when you are having a stressful day at the office and need some fresh air, you are typically allowed to take a break to gather your thoughts and take a minute for yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t like your job or are less of an employee for doing so – it’s acceptable, supported, and even encouraged. Being a mom is a full time job, whether you work inside or outside the home, and moms need breaks, too. And like any job, it should be accepted, supported, and even encouraged for moms to take breaks when they need to clear their head and take a minute for themselves.
When I take time for myself, I make it intentional. It’s pre-planned and mindful, not impulsive and reactive. Taking time for myself is a way to rejuvenate and restore myself. When I take time for myself I am able to step away from the pressure, the control, and the stress, and focus on how to make myself fulfilled. I can focus on my emotions, my dreams, and my desires, and remind myself that I am a loving and patient mom. And even though I don’t necessarily need to be, I often feel like I am not supported from the outside. Moms are expected to do it all. There have been numerous memes created and laughed about around the depiction of a frazzled mom who is wearing multiple hats and juggling a ton of balls in the air. It’s a common response to ask another mom how she is doing and her response uses the words “busy” or “stressed but blessed.” Moms are super human beings, but they also need support on how they are portrayed and supported in a global setting. Moms shouldn’t feel shamed for taking time away from their kids to mentally self care, but often they are. Moms shouldn’t have to feel guilty for being responsible for their mental health and wellbeing, even if that means asking for help to manage it all.
And how I handle stress is very important because I know my children are watching me. I know that modeling how to handle stress is a big indicator of how they will learn how to handle stress, now and in the future. And it’s interesting to me that when I am stressed, I know I am not being the best mom version of myself. But when I take breaks and time to recharge, I end up being a happier, more patient, calm version of myself – the kind of mom I want to be. That being said, it’s Alcohol Responsibility Month and it’s vital to me that I seize this time I have with my children while they are young to reflect on how I manage my stress in front of my children, along with having conversations with them about alcohol responsibility. Stress and alcohol abuse can often go hand in hand, so it’s important to have these conversations with them and model the behavior and choices I want for myself and my children right now. It’s my responsibility to model positive coping skills on how to manage stress rather than succumb to societal pressures and or engage in maladaptive behaviors like drinking alcohol to manage stress. I would like for my children to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, not an unhealthy one.
This is why I am proud to partner with Responsibility.org and their mission to help parents cultivate a lifetime of conversations with their kids, including about alcohol responsibility. This also includes the importance of self care, mental health, and overall wellbeing. This includes teaching them how to ask for help, take breaks, and learn how to cope effectively with stress so it doesn’t overcome them.
“Parents are the number one influence on their kids’ decisions to drink—or not to drink—alcohol, and when conversations about alcohol between children and parents increase, the underage drinking rate decreases” – Responsibility.org
As a parent, giving your child a voice is such a powerful and beneficial gift you can give them. And the earlier you talk to them, the better, but remember, it’s never to late to open the lines of communication. And Responsibility.org has a tremendous amount of resources and conversation starters to help you! In fact, their Ask, Listen, Learn program is a completely FREE digital underage drinking prevention program for kids ages 9-13 (grades 4-7) and their parents and educators with the goal to reduce underage drinking.
And recently, as a team member, I had the opportunity to have a powerful conversation with Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, a board-certified psychiatrist and writer specializing in women’s mental health and perinatal psychiatry. She spoke around the idea of building “psychological flexibility” during our conversation, which really resonated with me. She elaborated on this concept and more specifically that “the mind is a container of thoughts and feelings but none of them have to define us.” Think about that for a moment. It’s really powerful. After living through the pandemic for over a year, many of us are considering what we need to do to take care of ourselves and reflecting on the mental load we have taken on under extenuating circumstances. As a licensed mental health professional, I felt very connected to what Dr. Lakshmin was saying and was inspired to write this blog to dive deeper into this concept. And in fact, I am so passionate about what she discussed, I will be having an Instagram LIVE conversation with her on Tuesday, April 20th at 10am PST/1pm EST to go into more depth this concept as well as talk about maternal gatekeeping, the concept around being a martyr, how crippling anxiety can be and what you can do about it, and more! In the meantime, here are some tips that help the transition from replacing guilt with acceptance.
Take Control of Your Emotions
This can be difficult, but it can be done. Practice letting go of what you can’t control and learn to take control of your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you. You can’t control getting a flat tire or the actions of an angry co-worker, but you can control how you respond to everyday stressors. Do you know that you can control if you feel stress? And did you know that you can control if you feel guilty? I know it seems difficult to wrap your brain around, at least because it is that way for me, but it’s true. There are so many times we can allow our emotions to control us, but in actuality, we have the power to control our emotions! For example, you might want to feel a certain way, and you are entitled to feel those emotions, but despite that, you can control your actions and how much you will let those emotions define you and your day.
Be Proactive in Your Own Self-Care
The word “selfish” has such a bad connotation. It’s looked upon as something negative, when in actuality, it’s mentally healthy to be a little selfish sometimes. Selfish is different than being self centered and or egocentric. The definition of selfish contains the words “lacking consideration for others” and in this scenario, you are actually thinking of others by taking a break. By mindfully and intentionally taking some time for yourself, you are helping your family. The word selfish needs to be replaced with something positive, since it’s actually an act of kindness to yourself and others to be your best self. So give yourself permission to be proactive in your own self-care whether that means meeting up with some girlfriends for dinner this weekend or taking a weekly yoga class, do something just for you! Take that much needed time for yourself to unwind and put your physical and mental health first, so you can be the best mom possible!
Prevent Burnout Before it Happens
There is a lot of power in taking control of your life. And it’s very empowering to be proactive about your life rather than waiting until you are forced to be reactive when something goes wrong. So start to be preventative and change small things in your life to prevent burnout before it happens, instead of reacting to it after it’s already occurred. Take baby steps, this isn’t something that is expected or should be changed quickly or overnight. This is a major shift in your life and it’s a process, so pick one part of your daily routine or life that you can change to help you not feel burned out. I saw a radical shift in the way my day went as well as my overall mood when I started my day getting up earlier and implementing morning family mediation. This may not be the case for everyone, but after I stopped looking at my phone, social media, and emails as soon as I woke up and replaced it with deep breathing, positive affirmations, practicing gratitude, and having quiet time with my children (yes, they do the deep breathing and gratitude practice with me), we all started having better mornings. All of our behaviors improved. I was less stressed and they were better listeners. And by getting up earlier, we stopped the cycle of running around in the morning and being barely on time to school, to having extra time to spare, which caused less stress as well.
Let Go of Responsibilities
This one is also difficult for me since I am the primary caretaker in our family. Part of it is because I have been home more and have had a more active role in daily responsibilities. This was all challenged and changed when the pandemic occurred and my husband and I were both home equally with the children. After this happened, my husband wanted to contribute more with the kids and I had a hard time letting go of all of the responsibilities. We had to literally sit down and redefine our parenting roles and I had to give a little so he took take a little. There were times the kids had to get used to it and times where I said to myself “I think it’s easier or faster if I just do it” but I had to let go of every control and responsibility. And when I did, I had more time on my hands and less stress because I wasn’t trying to do it all. During our conversation with Dr. Lakshmin, she spoke about “Maternal Gatekeeping” and described it as the “inflexibility and too anxiety provoking to let it go and let a partner handle it their way” and explained the goal is for both caregivers to develop their own identity as parents and build a relationship with the child. I know not every mom has a partner or spouse to help at home, so if this is the case, do not feel ashamed to ask an extended family member, a friend, a nanny, or a neighbor. I personally believe it is empowering to ask for help. And when I do, I find that people are relieved that I did and are more than willing to assist me because they care about my overall wellbeing. Being a mom is often considered a superhero power, and I wholeheartedly agree that it is, but I am still a worthy mom actively involved in my children’s lives wearing my cape on the daily, but don’t have the pressure or added stress trying to a hero everyday. Doing it all only left me feeling drained and resentful. So let go of some responsibilities and see how freeing it leaves you!
Find Your Mom
Find a mom that you can go to when you are stressed or having a bad day. This mom is there for you, and you are there for her when she is having a bad day. It can be a quick text conversation, a phone call, face to face conversation, or outing together, but make sure it’s a mom that is non-judgemental, has a similar parenting style, and is fun and inspiring to be around. Maybe this mom can even take your kids for an hour once a week and you can return the favor on a different day with her kids so you both get some alone time. This way, you both have something to look forward to each week, you are both helping each other, and your kids are happy because they have a weekly playdate! The main objective is to seek support and make it a natural and accepted part of your day and or week.
You can find Responsibility.org on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter in addition to their website.
This is a sponsored blog post as part of being a #TeamResponsibilty ambassador, but all opinions are my own.
#TeamResponsibility
#AlcoholResponsibilityMonth
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