Some children are naturally drawn to creating and cultivating friendships and navigating social situations with ease. Other children are terrified of the idea of stepping out in public, social crowds, and having conversations with peers and or adults in any setting. Certain children don’t get anxious speaking in front of a crowd or having to give a presentation in front of their class because it’s impersonal, but find it challenging to have deep, meaningful connections in a smaller setting. While other children don’t struggle with having one-on-one intimate relationships but have a problem talking to large groups. Each child is different and unique and can change how they feel about social situations based on their age, development, temperament, life experiences, and other stressors that may be going on their life. As children grow older, they are more susceptible to bullying, rejection, conflict, abandonment, embarrassment, and other social traumas. Some children are simply extroverts and others are introverts. So if you are a parent with a child that feels debilitated for any reason to have relationships with others on any level, has developed a fear of being embarrassed in front of others, is incapable of taking social risks and find it nearly impossible to make and keep friends, or might try to avoid school or other situations where they have to speak or stand in front of small or large crowds of people, they will highly benefit from the information in this blog.
Connect With Your Child
The most supportive way to manage your child’s behavior is through connection. When they get anxious and are having trouble before, during, or after a social situation, the last thing you want to do is shame them or make them feel like they aren’t “normal” or typical. They aren’t doing anything wrong if they aren’t like the other children. Their behavior may be considered abnormal if they are compared to societal norms and other children in the same situation, but remember that each child is unique, and each child has their own struggles, even if they aren’t socially based. The best thing you can do for your child is accept them for who they are, connect with them by being a good listener, empathize with them, and validate their experience. Help them feel valued and heard. And allow them to feel empowered by your support. Don’t force the issue to try to make them change, show patience and progress over perfection, and also be careful not to enable them. If you continually make excuses for them and shield them from various situations to protect them, they will never have the opportunity to change and grow.
Teach Your Children a Growth Mindset
The ultimate aim is to encourage and empower your children to make baby steps toward goals and challenging life situations. They may have a fear of failing, but that doesn’t mean we allow them to never take a test or try out for a sports team, just because of their fear alone. The goal would be so support them so they feel like even if they fail, they will be ok, but they still have to try.
As a parent, we constantly want to learn effective skills to help our children achieve their best potential. Have you ever heard your child say “I’m not good enough” or “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do it” to you before? It’s pretty common with children and adolescents of all ages, genders, developmental, and academic levels and you have the power to help them change their fixed mindset and turn it into a growth mindset. Having a growth mindset is achievable to teach and learn, and I am going to share with you how to do it, because as a child therapist, I know that if you change the language you use and the way you think, you can change the way you learn and live your life!
Teaching children to have a growth mindset is extremely important for their overall wellbeing. Having a growth mindset is way of thinking in a positive and forward direction. Teaching children to have a growth mindset creates a love for learning, a greater strength to try new and difficult things, and a sense of resilience when obstacles that come their way. We typically grow more when things are challenging, not when things are easy, so a growth mindset can teach your children to have persistence, determination, and confidence!
Learn more about how to teach children a growth mindset here!
Build Your Child’s Frustration Tolerance
How well does your child handle frustrating situations? When they get offended or embarrassed, do they have a tantrum or a meltdown? Do they blow it off easily? When an upsetting situation comes up, is your child able to shake it off and move on fairly quickly or do they ruminate and obsess over every little detail? Does your child get easily triggered or do they get irritable quickly? If so, they may have a low frustration tolerance and need extra support. To build their frustration tolerance, they need to experience situations in which makes them a tad bit uncomfortable, slowly, a little at a time. The best way to start this exposure and experience training is by role modeling. Create a scenario in which makes your child uncomfortable and have your child play different roles and outcomes to experience the situation in different ways, one way with a low frustration tolerance and one way with a high frustration tolerance. If they know what to expect and can practice their reaction in advance, it can help them experience it the same way when it really happens!
Practice Conversations
I shared this idea a few months ago, but basically, have your child get a bear, doll, or any stuffed animal and encourage them to have a conversation with them. Have them go over all scenarios of an upcoming conversation as well as practice how to initiate a conversation with a peer, advocating what they need from a teacher, etc. They can go over worse case scenarios and also review possible solutions to any situation that may be stressful for them. If they have to practice. presentation, go over it as many times as needed so your child feels comfortable. First, they can practice it in front of their stuffed animals. Next, they an practice in the mirror. And lastly, they can practice in front of you and or siblings.
Build Confidence and Set Your Child Up For Success
Prepare your child in advance of what to expect in a given situation that you know may make them nervous, whether it be a speech at school, accepting an award, making new friends. etc. Provide step by step expectations and prepare them as much as possible. Go over prompts they can repeat about how to ask a friend to play or ask a teacher for help. To build up their confidence, help your child develop a list of empowering positive affirmations. Some examples include, “I can do this” or “I will get through this” or “I am capable” or “I believe in myself” or “I have the strength to overcome any challenge” and “I am going to be ok.”
Say Goodbye to Perfectionism
Remind your child it’s about the process and the progress, rather than the outcome or being perfect. Very little in life actually goes perfectly. Perfection is a false idea about anything in life. A given situation or experience may feel close to perfect in the moment, but moments pass and the next moment may not feel as perfect. When this fluctuation happens, and idealistic feelings occur, the letdown can feel a lot worse. As long as they know they are doing the best they can, and can manage any given outcome and know they will be survive, moments whether they are good or challenging, they are more manageable. Encourage your children to try their best, or even just try at all, even if the outcome may be a little messy. The point is that they practice and give it their all, no matter the outcome. Failure is just as important as success. And if children feel secure that you will love them, even if they aren’t perfect, they are more likely to take risks and do things out of their comfort zone. Encourage your child to make some measurable and attainable goals and then make small steps towards achieving those goals.
Create Coping Skills
There are many coping skills that are available to children before, during, or after a stressful social situation. The most common coping skill that most therapists recommend is deep breathing, but in my experience, most children don’t like to do deep breathing. As play therapist, you can make deep breathing fun by using bubbles, feathers, balloons, or even a colorful, expandable ball instead of simply breathing in through their nose and out through their mouth. But if deep breathing doesn’t work for your child, do not fret! They can color, draw, listen to music, journal, or even count! Some children like to do physical exercise, go on a walk/run, jump on the trampoline, or do jumping jacks. Other children might enjoy doing sensory exercises or grounding exercises. This might include walking barefoot on the grass, pretending they are at the beach and thinking of all of the things they can see, hear, smell, etc. or playing with sensory fidgets, sand, water, a weighted blanket, a sensory sack, etc. A mindfulness body scan or a visual imagery exercise may also help. Try a variety of coping skills and have them engage in whatever works most effectively for your children. And when something works and is preferred, keep doing what works!
Try Not to Transfer Your Anxiety onto Your Children
For any parents who are prone to anxiety, you need to practice not to transfer your own anxiety onto your children. Children sense and pick up on our anxious energy very quickly, even if we don’t say anything. They can feel it so make sure you create your own set of coping skills and utilize them when you feel yourself getting stressed in social situations. Role model how you handle social situations and stressful situations in front of them, so your children learn how to also cope in a positive way.
Schedule Stress Time
I have suggested this technique before when talking about managing tantrums and meltdowns, but it also works with anxiety. Get a colorful sand timer and encourage your child to “stress” for 5-10 minutes each day or once a week, depending on their need, and have them write down, draw, or talk about all of things they are stressed about. It could be an upcoming test, a social situation, etc. When the time is over, they can review everything with you or keep it to themselves because sometimes having to “talk” about it can make a situation more stressful for some children. Allow your child the space and the choice whether to share in that moment, but let them know the door is open for them when they are ready, and then check in with them at a different time later that day or the following day. If they still don’t want to “talk” about it, they can write it in a note, tablet, or draw a photo of the problem. As long as they are communicating in some way with you so you are aware of what is going on, that is all that matters.
Sign Your Child Up for a Social Skills Group
There are so many resources out there for children these days. First check with your child’s school to see if there are any social skills groups they can join. If your school doesn’t have one, check with your community center. If you still have no luck, some local therapists will offer social skills groups for children. There are also virtual groups you can join online! These groups will help your child learn new social skills, feel confident in social settings, and help them cope during stressful moments when they occur.
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