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Let’s Talk About: What I’ve Learned From Marriage

Today my husband and I celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. A lot has changed in 7 years but one thing has remained constant; we have never stopped trying to have the best marriage we can. In the past 7 years we have dealt with my breast cancer diagnosis and surgeries, buying and selling two homes, having two children, writing our dissertations and both graduating with our doctorates together. We have both changed careers multiple times and just went through another major life change. But despite all of the constant change and obstacles, we have remained united through it all. It hadn’t all been easy, but we try and we forgive.

 

With both of us being licensed marriage and family therapists, you would think we have a perfect marriage with civilized arguments, or no arguments at all, and handle every situation like professionals. At least that is what we have heard others say about our marriage from the outside’s perspective. Yes, we may have an advantage because we are professionally and educationally trained with tools, techniques, and interventions on how to work with marital conflict and resolution, but just like anyone else in this world, we are human beings and we aren’t perfect. No marriage is flawless. No marriage is without hard work and effort. No marriage is without ups and downs. Relationships are difficult, married or not married. When you add raising children to your marriage, it can be twice as challenging and even our marriage often comes second or third, even though we want to keep it first. As our family grows and our children get older, our relationship changes and grows in different ways. And as I said, one thing never changes through it all; we work on our marriage constantly. We never give up and we never stop trying.  A healthy, strong, and stable marriage is a little like watering a plant. If you neglect the plant and do not give the plant what it needs like sunlight and water, the plant will slowly wilt away and eventually die. You have to be present, mindfully and intentional and water the plant on a regular basis for it to thrive. And if you continually nourish the plant with love, respect, and giving it what it needs to grow, your plant will live for a long time.

 

I have learned not to neglect my marriage. Even on the tough days when you’ve had a stressful day at work, the children are sick, you are behind on paying the bills, and the house is a mess, even though it’s not at the forefront of your mind, nurture your marriage. Take a moment and ask your partner if they need anything. Say goodnight and sneak in a hug and or a kiss before bed. Make the effort, especially when you don’t want to or have the energy to. Never stop impressing your spouse. Water your plant everyday. Do not take your marriage or your spouse for granted.

 

I have learned to communicate. This is an oldie but goodie. But in all honesty, it’s a big one. You can never communicate enough. Tell your partner exactly what you need and want from him or her and how you are thinking and feeling for every situation you are experiencing with them. Communicate what are your expectations are of each other. Learn what your love languages are and if they differ from one another. If talking is challenging, write down your feelings and thoughts in a letter. Just keep communicating. Mix it up and find new ways to communicate until you know what works. Everyone communicates in different ways. Find the compromise. Be vulnerable. Be brave. You will not like everything you say and everything you hear, but continue to find solutions together. Communication cultivates intimacy. 

 

I have learned to listen. Listening is equally as important as communicating. Listening is communicating. If you are engaged in the conversation, you are communicating that you care. If you are ignoring your partner while they are talking and or are distracted, then you are communicating that you do not care (even if you do). It is imperative that both partners take the time and make the effort to listen to each other. If it isn’t an ideal time to have a conversation, then kindly ask your partner to postpone the talk until a later time when the kids are in bed or in the morning when you have more energy to dedicate to each other.

 

I have learned to respect my marriage. Respecting my marriage and my husband is one of the biggest ways he knows I love him. In fact, research shows that respect is one of the most important aspects a husband wants from his wife in a marriage. I don’t always have to agree with him, be happy with him, or even like what he is saying or doing, but I respect that he is my husband, and a provider, a father, etc. Your spouse should also respect you as well. This is a two way street. Be proud of each other. Encourage each other. Support each other. Be appreciative. Be thoughtful. Say thank you.

 

I have learned to love my marriage. My husband and I share a strong and deep love for each other. Our love began as a friendship and manifested, as our relationship grew stronger. As respect is for husbands, love is for wives. Research shows that wives want and need to feel loved by their husbands more than any other factor within the relationship. Show your love in any possible way you can. Reach out and hold hands while you watch television. Say the words “I love you”. Smile and use a positive tone of voice with each other. Date each other as much as you can. Keep the love, romance, spark, and intimacy alive. Make each other laugh. Surprise each other. Remember why you fell in love in the first place.  A little bit of love goes a long way.

 

I have learned to take a time out. There will be times when you are hurt, angry, sad, and frustrated.  There will be pet peeves that will annoy you. There will be times you won’t be able to think straight. There will be times when you need a break. Allowing time to cool off will help you gather your thoughts, calm your emotions, and allow you to think with your wise mind. Respectfully ask your partner to come back to the conversation at a later time. Make sure to give yourselves a time limit. You don’t want to hit the pause button and never return to finish what you started. Give yourselves 30 minutes or even up to 24 hours. Agree on a time limit and let it go. Then come back to the conversation with a fresh mind, and possibly a new perspective. This is a healthy way to work through conflict so take advantage of this time to thoughtfully reflect on the situation.

 

I have learned to forgive. Trust fosters forgiveness and forgiveness fosters trust. You need both for a marriage to function properly. Furthermore, you cannot be resentful in a marriage. You cannot afford to hold a grudge. Husbands and wives will make errors. If you can be humble, learn to sincerely apologize, take blame for your role in the situation, and learn to forgive, your marriage will survive a mountain of mistakes and your relationship will flourish. As long as there is faithfulness, trust, love, and respect, and no abuse of any kind present in your marriage; process, forgive and move on. I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m not saying you’ll think each other may deserve your forgiveness right away. I’m not saying to forget the pain, but do not dwell. And certainly do not bring up past wounds. Stay in the present and look forward to the future.

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Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children.

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TODAY.com Parenting Team Parenting Contributor

About Dr. Kim

Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children. Read More…

My Instagram

🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had t 🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had today! 🇺🇸

As soon as we woke up I started educating my children, specifically my daughter, on what the inauguration meant and why today was such a special day in history. We both were glued to the television as we watched @kamalaharris be sworn in as the first Black South Asian woman Vice President and @joebiden be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. We also were powerfully moved hearing @amandascgorman - the youngest inaugural poet in history recite “The Hill We Climb.” 

My daughter was so excited to participate and recite the Pledge of Allegiance with the rest of the county and she was so proud to see and be a part of history in the making. I haven’t been to Washington D.C. in about 8 years but I promised I would take her one day when the pandemic is over. 

In the meantime, I have a fun fact for you! Did you know that President Joe Biden and I both graduated from the same university? Yep! We both went to @syracuseu 🍊 And in fact, @joebiden is the first @syracuseu alumnus to become President of the United States! 

📸: @chrissywphoto #inauguration #inagurationday #inaguration2021 #joebiden #kamalaharris #presidentbiden #syracuseuniversity #syracuse #syracuseu #historyismade #madamvicepresident #mommyandme #46thpresident #sandiego #sandiegoblogger #momblogger #parentingblogger #motherhood
This time of year is notorious for dry air, allerg This time of year is notorious for dry air, allergies, and sinus trouble. #ad 

And since I work from home, it can get quite noisy and distracting with my husband and two children here, so sometimes I get my best work done in the comfort of my own bed. And the best part is that I can have my new @crane_usa “4 in 1” cool mist humidifier on at all times with essential oils to help with overall wellness and since it comes with a sound machine I can block out the other noises in the house! 

And at night, it helps my sinuses as I sleep, especially when the dry air of the heater is on, and it has a nightlight so my kids can see where they are going in the middle of the night when they inevitably need water or a hug! 

This is our 6th #cranehumidifier style and it’s my favorite one yet! Check out my stories for a closer look! 👀 #happyhealthyhumidity 

#humidifier #coldandflu #humidifiers #peaceandquiet #workingfromhome #workingmom #working #coldandfluseason #coldandflurelief #winter #winterstyle #wintertime #wintervibes #winter2021 #wahm #wahmlife #wahmlifestyle #workfromhomemom #workfromhomelife #workfromhome #workathomemom #workathome #workathomelife #newmom #babyshowergift #sinusrelief
{New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude {New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude” 🌱✨🌸

Throwing it back to one of the first mommy and me photos I ever posted on my feed because I’ve been teaching my daughter about gratitude since she was this little, possibly even younger (she is two here for reference)! 

Gratitude is such an important virtue and must have trait to build a child’s character. It also shows therapeutic benefits when you show gratitude to others, so why wouldn’t you want to make it a priority to teach and instill in your children? 

In this blog, I have suggestions for how to teach children gratitude broken down by ages and stages from infancy to teenage years, while also including some conversation prompts, and links to my favorite gratitude journals for busy families that we use here at home! 

Find the direct link to read in my bio and stories! I also published similar articles on @todayparents and @redtricycle if you follow me there! #drkimblog
DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️ I am DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I am that mom who wants to do it all and when I get overwhelmed or start suffering from a major case of burnout, I feel guilty if I take a break instead of giving my body and mind permission to slow down or even stop. 

As moms we often feel guilty if we take a break or believe we are perceived as weak if we ask for help. I have learned that the more I ask for help and the more time I take for myself, the better I am for my children. 

Guilt is an emotional response to something you perceived you did wrong, but when you experience unnecessary guilt, it’s counterproductive to healing and helping you with what you need most. So give it a try and let me know how you are going to take a break and not feel guilty about it this week below in the comments! ⤵️ #drkimparentingtips #theparentologist #drkimparentingadvice
DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when yo DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when you were little - and still do! 🙋🏼‍♀️🐱#ad

I am so excited to have all of these new items from the @erincondren Hello Kitty collection that launched today to keep work fun, playful, and reminiscent of childhood - something all adults need a little more of, am I right? 

The collection is all about organization, kindness, and friendship. My favorite piece of the collection is the “Daily Kindness and Joy Journal” that boldly says BE KIND, BE NICE, REPEAT on the front cover but I am also pretty obsessed with the Hello Kitty x Erin Condren Pencil Case and Vegan Leather Padfolio! 

Swipe to see my business attire on top and activewear on the bottom work style! 😉 And head to my stories to see it all up close and for your convenience I have everything linked for you http://liketk.it/35XZC and make sure to follow me at THEPARENTOLOGIST @liketoknow.it  for more of my favorites!!! #liketkit #erincondren
{New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and {New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and Role Play Ideas for Children with Autism” 🧩 🧸 🚂 ⚽️ 
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For the last 3 years I have spent my career therapeutically helping families and children of all ages on the Autism Spectrum. Play has been a fundamental way for many of my clients to communicate if they are non-verbal. And some of my clients have had to be taught how to play with a toy or another person. The play ideas listed on the blog can be used with children with or without special needs. Play is a universal way a child can explore their world in a way that makes sense to them and cultivate imagination, creativity, and fun! As a Registered Play Therapist, I love the work I do and couldn’t be prouder of the progress my clients have made with play over the years! #drkimblog
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#autism #autismmom #autismfamily #autismspectrum #autismcommunity #autismparent #autismlife #autismparents #autismparenting #autistickids #autisticchildren #autistictoddler #autismresources #playtherapy #playtherapist #playbasedlearning #learningthroughplay #activitiesforkids #activitiesfortoddlers #activitiesforchildren #sensoryplay #sensoryplayideas #sensoryprocessingdisorder #sensoryactivities #momswhoblog #ontheblog #newblogpost #parentingblogger #momblogger
{New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control {New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control of Your Eczema” #ad 
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These winter months have been so dry and my eczema has been flaring up. Can anyone relate? For decades I have used a variety of treatment options from over-the-counter ointments and lotions to doctor prescribed steroid medication. In today’s blog, I am partnering with @mediqcme to share more of my story and struggles with atopic dermatitis as well as some new treatment options! If you or a loved one suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis it’s a must read! 
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Plus there is a survey at the end of the blog you can fill out and opt in to be entered to win 1 of 10 VISA gift cards! 🙌🏻 Link in bio and in stories! #itchyskinhelp #drkimblog
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#eczema #eczemarelief #eczemahealing #eczematreatment #eczemaproblems #eczemawarrior #atopicdermatitis #itchyskin #itchyskinrelief #atopicskin #atopicdermatitistreatment #atopicdermatitismanagement #eczemamanagement #winterskincare #winterskin #winterskincareroutine #winterskincaretips #newblogpost #momswhoblog #ontheblog #wellnessblogger #wellnesstips #wellnessexpert
{New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get {New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want” 
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As a Registered Play Therapist, play is the foundation to the way I help children conceptualize and conquer the world. Play is second nature to children and the way they respond to many of life’s obstacles. Sometimes as parents, it is easy to get into a power match with your children, especially when you want your children to comply with a request and they won’t budge. When this happens, we need to change the way our adult mind thinks and switch it to the way a child thinks. Instead of giving them a punitive consequence, try these play recommendations that can be used with children as young as toddlerhood all the way to adolescents! #drkimblog 
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#playtherapy #playtherapist #therapistsofinstagram #playoutsidethebox #learningthruplay #playbasedlearning #learningthroughplay #learningisfun #parenting #parentingtips #parenting101 #parentingteens #parentingtweens #parentingtoddlers #parentingadvice #parentingexpert #parentingblogger #parentingblog #newblogpost #ontheblog #momswhoblog #parenthood #toddlerproblems #toddlermom #behaviortherapist #behaviortherapy #positiveparentingsolutions #positiveparentingtips #positiveparenting
{New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effect {New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effectively in 2021” ✨ 
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It’s is usually around this time that I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish for the year. And whether you believe in making resolutions, affirmations, or goals, it is time to be proactive!! On the blog, I outlined an organizational system I use year after year to help me accomplish my goals. And I hope they work for you!! 
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What are some of your goals you want to accomplish this year? 
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#2021 #2021goals #goals #goalsetting #goalgetter #goalsettingtips #goalsetter #goalsetting2021 #goalcrusher #momhustle #snowday #snowman #newgoals #newgoals2021 #mommyandme #letthembelittle #letthembekids #letthemplay #playoutside #playoutdoors #playoutsidethebox #familyday #familyfun #familysnowday
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