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Let’s Talk About: The Importance of Dating Your Spouse

I almost can’t believe my husband and I celebrated our 9 year dating anniversary this week! Being parents of two small children and both working outside the home, as well as not having many resources and childcare assistance, we rarely get alone time together, and even more rarely get quality alone time. Keeping the love alive in a long term relationship is difficult to do, especially when you have children, but it’s not impossible. We just have to intentionally try to make an effort to continually light that flame. It takes discipline, dedication, and effort. If we passively love our spouse or partner, then we may grow apart and end up feeling like we don’t know each other anymore or worse yet, end up resenting each other and desiring to find love elsewhere. But there is hope! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! In this blog, I will give you my tips on the Top 5 Ways to Keep The Spark Alive and my husband will provide his perspective on the Importance of Dating Your Spouse, but first let me tell you how we celebrated!

 

This past week my husband and I both took a day off work and spent the day at Burke Williams Day Spa in Mission Viejo for an ultimate day date! The last time we went to a spa together was during our honeymoon, so this was an extra special treat! We dropped the kids off and headed an hour or so up the beautiful Southern California coast to stop at the beach in Dana Point for a quick walk and it was glorious!

 

 

Then we made our way to the spa! We checked in at the front desk and walked around and looked at all of the merchandise!

 

 

When we first arrived, we sat for a few moments in the welcoming waiting area where there was a beautiful fireplace and plush couches with decorative pillows. There was also water, lemonade, and fresh fruit available to snack on while you waited!

 

We were then greeted by a staff member to take us back for a tour of the spa and give us our locker so we could get our robes and slippers! Once we were changed, we were greeted by our masseuse! My husband was taken back through the Men’s Spa and I was taken back to the Women’s Spa!

 

 

My husband received the Deep Tissue and Sports Massage with an enhancement and use of hot stones. This massage targets more specific areas to focus on the deepest layers of muscle, tendon, and fascia. Deep Tissue also provides relief for sore muscles, increases flexibility, and addresses issues stemming from overuse, physical activity, and muscle strain. Exactly what my husband needed! He reported that he absolutely loved it and had an amazing experience!

 

 

I had the Burke Williams Massage. This flagship massage includes their “Signature Blend” of essential oils, therapeutic heat packs to relax the muscles, and medicinal Chinese herbs to balance, strengthen, and polish the skin. You can get this massage in both Swedish and Deep Tissue styles, and I chose the Swedish style so I could relax as much as possible. I also added two enhancements with Hot Stones and Detox, which includes the use of highly alkaline Himalayan salt and a unique aromatherapy blend to reduce mental and physical stress as the body releases unwanted toxins. Himalayan salt is one of the world’s best anti-inflammatories and thought this would be so beneficial for me! I have had dozens and dozens of massages in some of the country’s best hotels and day spas, and in complete honesty, this was the best massage I had ever had in my life! The blend of the relaxation, heated table, music, aromatherapy, hot stones, exfoliation salt, and my extraordinary masseuse that apple the right amount of pressure was a recipe of perfect relaxation!

After our massages, we walked out into the waiting room again to meet up and talk about our massage experience! While we were sitting there, we were surprised with a glass of champagne and a decorative fruit plate to share! It couldn’t have been more perfect for us!

 

 

When we finished our mid-afternoon treat, we went back to our respective sides of the spa and enjoyed the jacuzzi, the steam room, the sauna, and the incredible showers!

 

 

There are 10 Burke Williams locations – 8 in Southern California and 2 in Northern California. I couldn’t recommend this day spa enough. I have been to the Pasadena, Santa Monica, Sherman Oaks, and Mission Viejo locations and they are all so different but equally amazing! And right now they are having amazing Valentine’s Day specials for you to take advantage of with your significant other or buy a gift card and treat your spouse or partner to enjoy the spa for a special treat!

 

 

Before we headed home, we stopped for lunch on the beach. It was an memorable day date and I highly suggest you set one up with your spouse or partner to reconnect!

 

 

Being a marriage and family therapist being married to a licensed marriage and family therapist, many people have commented over the years that my husband and I must have a “perfect” relationship. And even though we learned tools that other couples may not know, our marriage is far from perfect. In fact, if I am being honest, we have had our fair share of struggles. Many, if not all, relationships do at one point or another.

 

Before I share my tips on how to keep the spark alive, here is quote from my husband’s perspective on the importance of dating your spouse:

 

“The toil of everyday life has a way of consuming you. You lose perspective due to having your time filled with problems to solve and life stressors to manage. It is easy to lose perspective and view your wife as a part of and contributor to the daily chaos. A husband can develop a distorted view of his wife only seeing her as mother, co-parent, and roommate.  It is essential to take a break from the chaos and strip away all the layers of stress that can weigh you down. A date night, a spa day, or a cup of coffee at the dinner table can be an opportunity to reconnect to the person you fell in love with before all the stress came along. Meaningful intimacy can’t survive in a marriage with out this intentional engagement. This fosters intimacy and trust. If this part of your relationship is neglected then stress will define the relationship and drive you apart. Make time every day for affection and 100% attention even for a few minutes. A date night once a week or a couple times of month will feed the relationship and inspire affection and connection.” – Dr. Matt 

 

I have learned a lot over the years and below are my top ways to help keep the spark lit in your relationship but if you have any other ideas I would love to hear them!!!! This list is as much for me as it is for you!

 

  1. Smell good! Many people believe that falling in love is all about our natural scent, or pheromones. A pheromone is defined as a “chemical substance produced and released into the environment by an animal, especially a mammal or an insect, affecting the behavior or physiology of others of its species.” So let your scent shine!! Make sure you are bathed each day to really make the most of your natural smell. You don’t have to always wash and style your hair, since it takes so long for many of us, but at least wash your body each day. And if you wear a special perfume or lotion that engages your partner, wear that when you want to be intimate, when go on a date, or simply when you just want to get close and snuggle on the couch and binge watch Netflix.

 

  1. Go on a Scavenger Hunt! Take your spouse or partner through a journey in time through your relationship. This is healthy to do for any couple, but especially for a couple that has lost that loving feeling. Find some old photos from your first date, first kiss, engagement, wedding, etc. Remind your lover how, when, and why you fell in love. Describe each event on a piece of paper and how you felt in that moment. Remind them of the early days in your relationship, before work stress, financial stress, home stress, children stress, in-law stress, etc. It will revive your love when you go down memory lane together!! And if you can pull it off, wear an old outfit you found in those photos or even recreate a similar meal or memory as a date night in or a date night out that correlates with the photos and ultimately the memories! To make it extra fun, play and make it into a game and leave little notes around the house with clues to the next chronological event in your relationship!

 

  1. Have Sex! Gasp! Yes, I said it. Have Sex. You don’t have to do it too often, take a long time to get it done, or make it mind-blowing, but as Nike says, just do it! Simply get naked on a regular basis with your spouse or partner. Try not to have expectations or put too much pressure on yourself or your partner. If it happens, fantastic, but make sure both parties are ready physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you haven’t done this in a while, maybe start with just kissing or touching first to feel more intimate with each other before going for the gold.

 

  1. Write it down! Use the skills you learned in the 3rd grade and write a handwritten note to your spouse or partner with a love quote or a sentence or two sharing something you love about them. Remember how fun it was and how good it felt to pass notes to your loved one in middle school? If you were a child of the late 70’s or early 80’s, you may even remember how to fold the note into different shapes and designs. So leave the text messaging for day-to-day items and write a love note. Leave it on the bathroom mirror, on the fridge, on the front door, or even in their car as often as you’d like!

 

  1. Act like a Girlfriend. You are a mom and a wife. And those are important roles we focus on daily, but remember that despite those new roles that you have grown into over the years, still remind your husband or partner the girlfriend they proposed to years ago. Can you remember the days when you’d stay up too late, drink too much wine, or sleep in until noon together? Well maybe we don’t have those luxuries as much anymore, but still try to date your husband or partner and remind them of the girlfriend they once knew and loved.

 

And if you feel like you and your spouse or partner need a professional to talk to about your relationship, please go to Psychology Today and find a couples therapist in your zip code.

 

This post is sponsored by Burke Williams Day Spa but all photos and opinions are my own.

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Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children.

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TODAY.com Parenting Team Parenting Contributor

About Dr. Kim

Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children. Read More…

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🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had t 🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had today! 🇺🇸

As soon as we woke up I started educating my children, specifically my daughter, on what the inauguration meant and why today was such a special day in history. We both were glued to the television as we watched @kamalaharris be sworn in as the first Black South Asian woman Vice President and @joebiden be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. We also were powerfully moved hearing @amandascgorman - the youngest inaugural poet in history recite “The Hill We Climb.” 

My daughter was so excited to participate and recite the Pledge of Allegiance with the rest of the county and she was so proud to see and be a part of history in the making. I haven’t been to Washington D.C. in about 8 years but I promised I would take her one day when the pandemic is over. 

In the meantime, I have a fun fact for you! Did you know that President Joe Biden and I both graduated from the same university? Yep! We both went to @syracuseu 🍊 And in fact, @joebiden is the first @syracuseu alumnus to become President of the United States! 

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This time of year is notorious for dry air, allerg This time of year is notorious for dry air, allergies, and sinus trouble. #ad 

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Throwing it back to one of the first mommy and me photos I ever posted on my feed because I’ve been teaching my daughter about gratitude since she was this little, possibly even younger (she is two here for reference)! 

Gratitude is such an important virtue and must have trait to build a child’s character. It also shows therapeutic benefits when you show gratitude to others, so why wouldn’t you want to make it a priority to teach and instill in your children? 

In this blog, I have suggestions for how to teach children gratitude broken down by ages and stages from infancy to teenage years, while also including some conversation prompts, and links to my favorite gratitude journals for busy families that we use here at home! 

Find the direct link to read in my bio and stories! I also published similar articles on @todayparents and @redtricycle if you follow me there! #drkimblog
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I am that mom who wants to do it all and when I get overwhelmed or start suffering from a major case of burnout, I feel guilty if I take a break instead of giving my body and mind permission to slow down or even stop. 

As moms we often feel guilty if we take a break or believe we are perceived as weak if we ask for help. I have learned that the more I ask for help and the more time I take for myself, the better I am for my children. 

Guilt is an emotional response to something you perceived you did wrong, but when you experience unnecessary guilt, it’s counterproductive to healing and helping you with what you need most. So give it a try and let me know how you are going to take a break and not feel guilty about it this week below in the comments! ⤵️ #drkimparentingtips #theparentologist #drkimparentingadvice
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I am so excited to have all of these new items from the @erincondren Hello Kitty collection that launched today to keep work fun, playful, and reminiscent of childhood - something all adults need a little more of, am I right? 

The collection is all about organization, kindness, and friendship. My favorite piece of the collection is the “Daily Kindness and Joy Journal” that boldly says BE KIND, BE NICE, REPEAT on the front cover but I am also pretty obsessed with the Hello Kitty x Erin Condren Pencil Case and Vegan Leather Padfolio! 

Swipe to see my business attire on top and activewear on the bottom work style! 😉 And head to my stories to see it all up close and for your convenience I have everything linked for you http://liketk.it/35XZC and make sure to follow me at THEPARENTOLOGIST @liketoknow.it  for more of my favorites!!! #liketkit #erincondren
{New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and {New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and Role Play Ideas for Children with Autism” 🧩 🧸 🚂 ⚽️ 
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For the last 3 years I have spent my career therapeutically helping families and children of all ages on the Autism Spectrum. Play has been a fundamental way for many of my clients to communicate if they are non-verbal. And some of my clients have had to be taught how to play with a toy or another person. The play ideas listed on the blog can be used with children with or without special needs. Play is a universal way a child can explore their world in a way that makes sense to them and cultivate imagination, creativity, and fun! As a Registered Play Therapist, I love the work I do and couldn’t be prouder of the progress my clients have made with play over the years! #drkimblog
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These winter months have been so dry and my eczema has been flaring up. Can anyone relate? For decades I have used a variety of treatment options from over-the-counter ointments and lotions to doctor prescribed steroid medication. In today’s blog, I am partnering with @mediqcme to share more of my story and struggles with atopic dermatitis as well as some new treatment options! If you or a loved one suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis it’s a must read! 
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{New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get {New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want” 
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As a Registered Play Therapist, play is the foundation to the way I help children conceptualize and conquer the world. Play is second nature to children and the way they respond to many of life’s obstacles. Sometimes as parents, it is easy to get into a power match with your children, especially when you want your children to comply with a request and they won’t budge. When this happens, we need to change the way our adult mind thinks and switch it to the way a child thinks. Instead of giving them a punitive consequence, try these play recommendations that can be used with children as young as toddlerhood all the way to adolescents! #drkimblog 
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{New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effect {New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effectively in 2021” ✨ 
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It’s is usually around this time that I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish for the year. And whether you believe in making resolutions, affirmations, or goals, it is time to be proactive!! On the blog, I outlined an organizational system I use year after year to help me accomplish my goals. And I hope they work for you!! 
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