Let’s Talk About: My Breast Cancer Diagnosis + The Stages of Grief

As you may know, I have been struggling lately with some grief since getting the news that the breast cancer I was diagnosed with 7 years ago might be back. Individuals struggle with grief for many different reasons in a variety of ways, but typically in a systematic pattern, and so I thought I would take this opportunity to not only share my personal experience but also share signs, symptoms, and solutions to help you if you find yourself in a similar emotional and mental state.

 

Let me begin by saying, for those of you that don’t know, I had a diagnostic mammogram a few weeks ago and the doctor found a suspicious cluster of calcifications that raised concern and ordered a biopsy to see whether or not the calcifications were benign or malignant. I then had a stereotactic biopsy last week and it went well but left me in so much pain that I couldn’t even pick up my son for about 24 hours, which broke my heart. And I have been swirling in thought ever since awaiting my results. As you can imagine I have been an emotional wreck trying to go over every case scenario in my head. Being in an ambiguous state is not a good space to be in. It’s been quite overwhelming to say the least.

 

The most common stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although the stages typically fall in this order, my grief came on a little differently.

 

When I was first told the news, I immediately started crying and feeling so sad at the thought of having to go through this all again. Why me, I would ask. Surgery and or possibly more weighed heavily on me – especially now that I have small children that need me. I would cry myself to sleep night after night because the thought of my children not growing up without their mommy played over and over in my head like a broken record. The fear of death tormented me. I was essentially grieving with the loss of my health. Even though I hadn’t even had the biopsy yet, somehow I felt like I already knew the outcome. I began sleeping a lot and crying a lot. I felt sorry for myself and wanted others to wallow in my pity. I felt small and insignificant. I felt alone and scared. And worst of all, I worried that somehow, I would pass this ugly disease on to my daughter.

 

Once I was able to snap out of my sorrow, my emotional state turned to anger. I was still asking, why me? Why did I have to go through this, not once, but twice! And at a young age. Reoccurrence happens to a low percentage of people, so why did I have to be in that low percentage? Even though I am guilty of not doing it enough, I generally take good care of myself. I eat organic, healthy foods, I exercise, I have never smoked, I rarely drink alcohol, and I am a good person that volunteers, etc. I even use non-toxic products on my skin and in my house. So why me? I became irritable and carried a chip on my shoulder for days. Why do all these other women (and men) smoke, drink, use chemicals, etc – and they are cancer free? I breastfed for 22 total months, which was supposed to lower my chances of reoccurrence, so why was this happening? I was just plain angry. I wasn’t entitled, I just felt like it was undeserved.

 

It was then that I went into denial. I pretended it wasn’t happening. I kept myself as busy as possible and tried not to think about it. I tried not to let it consume me. I went to bed earlier to avoid any late night thoughts and napped as much as I could throughout the day to just ignore it all. I kept busy at work and tried to attend events that were fun and uplifting. I avoided my close friends because I didn’t want to talk about it. I just moved on each day like it wasn’t happening because if I stopped to think about it, a wave of anxiety would consume me. I felt as if somehow I could take it away as if it never existed. And there were sometimes I would even pretend it wasn’t even there and act as normal like I did’t have a care in the world.

 

Then I went through some bargaining. I began researching how to change my diet to help my chances of survival. I declared that I would become a vegan and become even more strict on what I ate and drank to control my health outcome as much as possible. I prayed that if I could just get through this with some significant changes in my life, that it would never return again. I also kept ruminating what I had done to bring this on. Did I not exercise enough and that’s why it came back? Did I not take my supplements enough? What could I have done differently? If only, if only.

 

And now I am in the *somewhat* acceptance phase. Although I am still sad, scared, and angry at times, I have come to accept what is happening. It has been helpful to share about it and have a tremendous support system of family, friends, and prayer warriors. I feel a little stronger and braver than before. I still have so many unanswered questions and ruminating thoughts, but this is a part of my life that will always be a struggle. I took my health for granted and never really thought I would be in this position again, so it has forced me to change certain aspects of my life that I slacked on – especially self care. And I have been seeing the world a little differently lately. I have significantly spent less time on my phone and working in order to take better care of myself, lower my stress, and spend more quality time with my children. I know I can handle this and will get through it. And I just want to move on.

 

That being said, my doctors have confirmed that my biopsy sample was only partly benign and I have been re-diagnosed with DCIS – Stage 0 breast cancer. It’s definitely the best news under the circumstances of what they could have told me. But what is concerning is that only approximately 20% of people have DCIS reoccurrence, so why am I in the minority and not the 80% majority that doesn’t have it again? DCIS is considered pre-cancerous and non-invasive, which I am truly grateful for, but I still worry about what that means for me in the future – since I’ve had it twice in seven years and it only increases my chances of having invasive cancer. And since doctors don’t know which cases of DCIS will spread and which ones don’t, they tend to treat you as if you have or will have cancer and proceed accordingly. I still have to go through the same obstacles as many other cancer patients, except, thankfully, the chemotherapy. It is still a trauma that I am experiencing, which takes on a toll on me mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially.

 

I met with one breast surgeon yesterday but will be getting a second opinion with another surgeon before moving forward with a treatment plan. I will also be getting some genetic testing to make sure I don’t have the BRCA1 gene, not only for myself and for what that could mean for me in the future, but also so I won’t have to worry about going through this with my daughter one day. The treatment will most likely involve a third lumpectomy and possibly an MRI, radiation, and hormone therapy. Even though I wish I was told that everything was benign and I could immediately move on with my life, I am so blessed that it isn’t a more severe diagnosis. It is a small area that they caught early. And I am extremely relieved that nothing has spread and that I don’t have to do chemo. I know it could be A LOT worse and I am so grateful it’s not. And some doctors don’t even call this a “real” cancer” but it sure feels real. Don’t let it fool you. It’s minimal to some, but major to me. I recognize that everyone handles news like this differently and I need positive cheerleaders to help me pull through when I am feeling down. I am optimistic by nature and on one hand know everything will be ok, but on the other hand I’m struggling. I am also feeling sick and broken and am trying to process it all. So please don’t minimize it and make it sound like it’s no big deal. It is a big deal to me, my body, and my family. I just hope and pray that this is not the beginning to something worse in the future. I am trying to be brave and strong, really I am. I will be updating you throughout my journey and can’t thank you enough for your support.

 

In the meantime, if you are struggling from grief and notice yourself with any of these symptoms and or in any one of these stages, please seek therapeutic care. Letting yourself experience each stage of grief is healthy and will help you heal. Learning non maladaptive coping skills is key and no one should go through this alone – even if you are surrounded with loved ones. Grief is a personal journey and sometimes others don’t quite understand how to react or respond to someone in grief. To find a professional in your area, please visit Psychology Today.