Do you have a child that lies to you? Maybe they lie because they broke something in the house or snuck a cookie without asking and didn’t want a consequence. Or maybe they lied because they wanted to get out of brushing their teeth or cleaning their room before having a playdate with a friend. Or maybe they lack impulse control or suffer from low self esteem and lie to boost their popularity within the family system or a social group at school. Or maybe they lied because they are trying to protect someone else from getting hurt or in trouble. Whatever the case is, lying can be minimal, sporadic, and short-lived or it can turn into a chronic problem that affects their peer relationships, trust within the family, grades, and or health.
Just because your child lies, doesn’t mean they are a lier.
Lying is common and is somewhat age appropriate. It doesn’t mean you have a long term detrimental problem on your hands, but it is also important to recognize the behavior, the motivation behind the behavior, and intervene so it doesn’t get worse with age and damage relationships long term, including the one between parent and child. Children can start lying in toddlerhood, but it is most common to see children start lying in preschool and or early elementary school. If not addressed early, lying seems to manifest as the child grows and becomes a much bigger problem in middle school and high school. There is also more on the line the older the child gets. But even though lying is seen in many children from time to time, it doesn’t mean it’s an acceptable behavior and doesn’t give them a pass to lie or an excuse to lie. Teaching your child the value of honesty and trust at a young age will build their character and help shape them into trustworthy and respected individuals.
Why do Children Lie?
There are multiple motivations behind why a child may lie that include experimenting with a new behavior to test out a parent’s reaction and boundaries, to get something they want, to avoid a particular task, or to avoid getting into trouble. Other children may lie due to a lack of impulse control. And children may also lie in order to boost their self confidence or get accepted by a new friend or social group. They may even lie to minimize anything going on in their life that they perceive as bad or wrong, for example, if that child’s parents are going through a divorce or someone in the family is sick. Children may also lie due to trying to protect themselves or someone they care about, like covering up for a sibling or a friend. And sometimes children lie because they see their parent, an older sibling, or even peers at school lie. Also, if a child believes that you won’t believe them no matter what, they may lie repeatedly because they figure, “what’s the point?” and that it doesn’t matter what they say or do they will probably get in trouble anyway.
What Parents Can Do About Lying
When do you ignore a behavior like lying and when do you address it? Some experts say that if the lie is grandiose and it’s more than obvious that it’s not true, then actively ignore the lie or don’t ask follow up questions to perpetuate the lying. In other words, don’t give in to the lie. Just let it go, and hopefully, the child will recognize they aren’t getting validated for the lie and will eventually let the grandiosity of their story go.
However, if a parent feels like this behavior is happening more and more repeatedly or is happening in school or in the community than just at home, then a parent can take a child aside privately and ask them to try and tell the story again with what really happened. I wouldn’t embarrass or shame the child for lying in front of others, including peers or siblings, to “teach them a lesson.” I also wouldn’t catch a child off guard but asking them about a lie. Talking to a child about lying can be somewhat strategic, so plan accordingly and wisely at a time when your child isn’t upset or distracted.
A parent can also label the behavior and discuss the meaning of trust and honesty in relationships. Sometimes I will say, “when you tell me a story that isn’t true, it is called lying, and that means it’s hard to know when to believe you.” Ask the child if they ever heard that word before and if they know what it means. Ask them if they know anyone else in school that they have seen lie. Ask them how it feels when someone lies to them. And maybe even what happens to someone at school who is caught lying. And then label the word “trust” and teach them what it means and why it’s important. Let your child know you are there for them and support them. I always tell my children that even if they make a poor choice or do something wrong, I would rather hear the truth than know they made a mistake and then are layering a lie on top of it. I gently and calmly remind them that the truth is more important and they will have a more minimal consequence than if they lie about what they did.
In other cases, a parent can give a consequence for lying. Let the child know in advance what the consequence is, especially if the lying is chronic, and say something like “I would like to know if you brushed your teeth today. I know you will make a good choice and telling me the truth. And if for some reason you have an urge to lie about it, you will have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier tonight and miss having dessert.” Sometimes there is a natural consequence like if they lie about doing homework and their grade is suffering, they may not only have to make-up the homework they missed, but also do extra credit work to get their grade back up. Or if they lie about cleaning their room and it’s not caught in time, then they may have to miss soccer practice or a friend’s birthday party until the room is clean.
How To Prevent Lying
Have an Open Door Policy
Start as early as possible to have a trusting, open door policy of communication with your kids. Be observant and keep a light pulse on their daily activities and check in with them on who they are hanging out with at school, what they are learning in school, if they got their chores done, etc. It’s impossible to watch our kid’s every move, but don’t be afraid to ask questions in a non-judgmental and non confrontational way. Be aware of where the holes are and follow up with them at different times of day, in varying environments, and in various ways. The most important thing to remember is to not shame them, even if it means the truth hurts. They are being honest, and that is what matters the most. If they are on the younger side, possibly even consider praising them for telling the truth, even if they are still getting a consequence for making a poor choice. Research has shown that kids will repeat the behavior that is paid attention to the most, so if that is positive reinforcement, then you are likely to prevent or minimize lying as much as you can!
Set Limits and Consequences
Parents also should set limits with their children, starting at a young age, so it is an expected behavior as they get older. Kids won’t resent boundaries as much when they are adolescents if they have limits in place as a young child. If your child does something that might hurt themselves, like get in the car with a driver who has been drinking, and they tell you the truth, recognize that they were honest, but then also follow up with a limit, like next time you will pick them up from a party instead of getting a ride home from a friend. Some children, depending on age, can have some say in what consequences they may have, but keep in mind that consequences shouldn’t be negotiated. Once a consequence is set, follow through. Parents should also avoid “tricking” their children into telling the truth and saying something like “if you tell me the truth you won’t get a consequence.”
Give Them an Opportunity to Make a Good Choice
If your child makes a poor choice, let them know why it was a poor choice and what could have happened, in the previous example, a car accident or even death. These moments are teaching moments for our children and a way to actually strengthen your bond with your child than tear it apart. Children innately want to make good choices (once they learn good from bad) and please their caregivers, including parents, coaches, and teachers. So give them space to make a good choice. Even if you know for a fact what the truth is and aren’t sure how your child is going to respond, give them the opportunity to tell the truth. Ask them what happened in a non-threatening way, and even if they don’t tell the truth the first time, give them 20-30 minutes and then ask them again. Let them know you want them to think about what happened and about being honest and help hold them accountable during this window of time. Many times, children will change their story and tell the truth the second time around when they have had ample processing time and time to calm their bodies and mind from feeling pressure or anxiety about the situation the first time around.
Normalize Their Behavior
Let your child know that everyone makes mistakes from time to time and it’s possible that anyone can make a poor choice and even lie once in a while. Many children can’t stand the guilt that comes with lying and the truth eventually comes out because they can’t hold on to the lie for very long. They have regrets and have a need to “come clean” even if it’s hours, days, or weeks later. But let them know that you love them and are there for them and that no one is perfect, not even you, the parent. Let them know if you have lied in the past and what you learned from it. Let them know how you would have acted differently if you had a second chance.
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