It’s Memorial Day weekend, a time to remember and honor fallen men and women who have protected our country and a weekend that typically signifies the end of the school year and the kick off to summer. It’s also a weekend that many people around the country traditionally celebrate by having pool parties, neighborhood barbecues, beach bonfires, and family gatherings. Often times there are parades and or long weekend vacations planned. So how do you talk with your children and deal their disappointment that many, if not, all of these yearly rituals aren’t happening this year? You may be hearing your children say things like “I miss the way my old life was, is this over yet?” or “when can we go out and see our friends?” These are some pretty powerful questions, so how are you supposed to answer them?
In addition to the holiday weekend, rituals like end of year promotions, graduations, and other ceremonies and celebrations like Prom, Grad Night, end of year sporting events, and award banquets have been canceled or altered in an untraditional and dramatic way. Children of all ages are confused, disappointed, frustrated, and down right angry, justifiably so. They are losing out on their given rites of passage and grieving these big milestones that have been stolen from them. So how are parents supposed to handle these big emotions and talk to their children about these changed rituals and moments in time that they will never get back? Children are expected to be resilient and adapt effortlessly but this year’s rituals will be a life altering memory that will live with them forever, in some capacity or another. More than ever, children of all ages need their parents to lean on, to cultivate trust with each other, and have open conversations around big feelings and how to respond to them positively and responsibly. Having trust, open conversations, and learning appropriate coping strategies will help your relationship with your children as they grow and ultimately help you with conversations around topics like alcohol when they are older.
Thus, talking to our children has never been more vital. This topic is important to me as part of my partnership with Responsibility.org because they are committed to cultivating a lifetime of conversations about alcohol responsibility, and these conversations start with trust and with parents. They are working to encourage conversations between parents and kids from very young ages to help build on that trust so that kids will continue to talk with their parents as they get older and their life choices evolve. I encourage you to check out their website for valuable information and resources for parents with kids as young as 6-9 years old all the way through the college years.
My Personal Loss of Ritual
This week I found out my daughter’s Kindergarten promotion ceremony was canceled. Not only do parents, like myself, miss out on celebrating a big milestone year with their children, students will miss a cap and gown ceremony, promotion certificates, and end of year performances and parties to celebrate their first year in elementary school. For many of our children, it is the same situation for those graduating elementary school, middle school, high school, or even college. The hard part is that some schools are accommodating various ways to still celebrate their students by doing drive by ceremonies or even having family only stage ceremonies, but some aren’t. And if they are, often there aren’t any friends or teachers there to celebrate with the students and cheer them on. So after seeing some photos of other Kindergarten graduations, I decided to take it upon myself and create a safe, socially distanced promotion for my daughter and a few of her close friends.
How to Organize a Safe, Socially Distant End of Year Celebration
My daughter has a small group of girlfriends that are basically inseparable and we have all been quarantining since the beginning of stay at home orders. We have been arranging virtual play dates regularly and the girls (and moms) have remained very close considering we all just met last August and haven’t physically seen each other in months. I am a naturally born party planner, and luckily when I came up with this graduation idea, every mom was all in! We decided that the promotion would be outdoors in front of my home and for only a few small families. We all ordered our own matching caps, gowns, and tassels online along with a Kindergarten graduation medal for each of the girls. I live on a quiet cut de sac and each family is going to have their own space six feet apart from the next space. Each space will be designated by a large circle and each family will have the opportunity to bring their own blanket, chairs, refreshments, and any decorations like balloons for their space. We are going to decorate the garage door with a graduation banner we found on Etsy surrounded by balloons. Each family is in charge of their own child. During the actual ceremony, we will have the Pomp and Circumstance March song playing in the background and each child will get a turn hearing their name being called and walk across the garage door toward their parents, who will had them a certificate, a flower, and a graduation medal. Once all of the girls get a turn, each family will go to their respective circle to have some refreshments. I’m even putting together a slideshow to play and we are going to try and get their teacher to Zoom in during the ceremony. Grandparents and other extended family can also join via a pre-provided Zoom link as well! I have considered getting a photographer that I know and trust to come over and take some professional photos, if the other families are comfortable with it. And of course, there will have to be some gift bags for each girl to take home!
This celebration model can be used for students of any age if their school isn’t doing any sort of organized ceremony. Just because the school canceled certain events, doesn’t mean we can’t get creative and celebrate on our own in a safe, socially distanced, responsible way with a small group outdoors for a short period of time. Parents, and even children, can wear masks, and never get close enough to expose anyone else. The hard part will be keeping the girls from hugging each other, but they seem to understand the risks at this point and are responsible to follow the rules to stay safe and healthy.
How do you talk to your children about big emotions?
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist who has been in the mental health field for over a decade working with toddlers to young adults, I’d love to give you some of my tips to help children cope with the “big emotions” that may set in around the time when they are disappointed, angry, and frustrated about how the end of the school year turned out and how to positively cope with the grief that comes with social isolation and rituals being cancelled.
TOP 5 Tips To Help Your Children Deal with Big Emotions
Take Time to Listen
Set aside intentional time to have a conversation with your child about their emotions revolved around the loss of rituals, friendships, and other changes and the emotions that coincide with social isolation like anxiety, depression, grief, disappointment, confusion, frustration, and anger. Create an open space for them to talk and be present and mindful. Listen more than you talk. Let them be vulnerable. Let them be transparent. Cultivate trust. Cultivate respect. Avoid judging them or their experience. And try not to jump in and solve the problem. As parents, we don’t have all the answers or solutions right now to what is going on in the world. Much of what we have experienced is new for all of us and we are all trying to survive in uncharted territory. Be honest and authentic with them and tell them you “don’t know” but that you are there to listen and support them as much as they need and you will do whatever you can to provide resources and ways to get through it together. Offer suggestions and make recommendations. Let them know having big emotions is normal and acceptable. Avoid shaming them or invalidating them. Making them feel like they aren’t alone in a world that is still fairly shut down and isolating will help tremendously. You may be their only constant they can count on and maybe even their main social contact, so make time for them. Your presence, support, and undivided attention will go a long way. Just try not to force them to talk if they aren’t ready but remind them that the door to talk is always open.
Ask Open Ended Questions and Offer Empathetic Statements
If you ask open ended questions, the conversation will flow better and you will get more information out of your child more than a short “yes, no, or fine” answer. Instead of asking “How are you feeling” say “Describe what you are feeling” or instead of “Are you doing ok?” say “I notice you have been a little quiet today, tell me what is going on and how I can help.” And in response to their answers, you can offer empathetic statements like:
“I hear you and I am frustrated about that, too”
“You are doing such a good job being positive”
“I understand that must be really hard for you”
“I know things are tough, and I am proud of how you have been handling everything”
“I don’t know when this is going to end, but I am here for you and we are in this together.”
Offer Ways to “Talk” without Talking
If they are young children, they may not have the language or attention span to develop and articulate words to have a conversation with you. In that case, you can talk it out through play. Let them play out how they are feeling by using action figures, stuffed animals, or dolls. Ask them to show you how they are feeling by creating a story in their sandbox or via a puppet show. You can create a “mailbox” in your home and you can exchange written messages to each other to keep the conversation going without actually verbally talking. I call it a question and answer box or a feelings box depending on the age of your child. Give them a tape recorder or a play phone and ask them to call a friend to talk about what is going on and listen to what they have to say, even though they aren’t directly talking to you. Have them draw a picture of how they are feeling or if they are old enough have them write how they are feeling in a journal. Talk about the “big emotions” while you are playing a game so they feel less pressure to talk in a formal setting. And make talking about emotions into a game. There are many ways you can go about doing this but my favorite way is for them to play a game like Candyland and each time they land on a new color, they can tell you an experience or story of how they felt a certain emotion based on the color. You can assign red as angry, blue as sad, yellow as scared, etc. Older children and teens can do the same thing with a game like Jenga.
Keep their Cup Full
Children of all ages need our support more than ever. This means keeping their emotional cup full at all times. Write your child post it notes and leave them around the house on their computer, on the bathroom mirror, or fridge door about how amazing they are and how much you love them. You can write things you are proud about and or positive attributes you want to highlight! For younger children, you can do this as part of a scavenger hunt game. Tell them you hid 5 notes around the house for them and they have to find them. If you do this weekly, your children will thrive on it and look forward to it each week. You can also practice daily positive affirmations with them. Have them practice saying things like “I can do this” and “I am in control of my own day” to get their heads in the right space! And sometimes keeping their cup full is facilitating virtual play dates with their friends and helping them to invest in their friendships and social world despite quarantine. Peers are so important to children of all ages, and their tank needs fuel from the outside world and their social self as well!
Practice Positive Coping Strategies
Practicing positive coping strategies can also be considered self care, but it doesn’t matter quite as much what you call it, but that you actually do it. Model this for your children and show them how important it is to take care of your mind, body and soul, especially in a time of uncertainty and distress. Offer to take a bike ride together. Go on a run or a hike together. Be mindful of how you are handling everything going on and show them how you can be calm and responsible with your emotions. Make self care a priority and your children will notice and hopefully do the same. They will also notice if you aren’t taking care of yourself and will mimic your behaviors, good or bad. So make the decision to show them how to handle your emotions in a positive and responsible way. How you treat yourself is how they often will treat you or treat themselves. And when it comes to consumption of alcohol, make sure you are leaving a positive and responsible impression on them, no matter what their age. Show them that you are choosing to drink responsibly instead of needing to drink to take away pain or stress. And watch the amount you drink, especially in front of your children.
I am a Responsibility.org ambassador this year and was compensated to write the post but all opinions are my own.
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