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How To Raise Independent Children

This morning I had the absolute honor of being invited to FOX 5 San Diego to give my expert parenting advice about “How to Raise Independent Children.” I had a wonderful LIVE conversation with Shally Zomorodi during the Morning News about the dangers of overparenting and how to honor and give children more space and autonomy.

 

 

 

 

Often overparenting is more about the parent’s anxiety and an unfulfilled need for a secure attachment. If a parent is overly anxious about their children getting hurt, making mistakes, and taking risks, then they will tend to be more of an overparent. Likewise, if the parent had an insecure attachment growing up and depends on their children for security and connection, they too will often overparent more than someone who was raised in a more securely attached environment.

 

Independence is a Life Skill 

 

 

Living life is a learning process and a life skill. And ultimately, kids need autonomy and independence from their parents. Kids need to fall and fail just as much as they need to succeed. And kids need to be confident in failure.  As a parent, it is so difficult to watch your child make a mistake or get hurt physically or emotionally, but kids need to learn how to make decisions on their own, and succeed in their own self-efficacy. A strong sense of self efficacy promotes human accomplishment and personal well-being. A child with high self-efficacy views challenges as something to be mastered rather than a threat to be avoided.

 

 

The Importance of Independent Play 

 

 

Kids need independent autonomous time to play. They need space to explore their environment and make sense of their world. This type of play will also strengthen their social skills, communication skills, and critical thinking skills. So make sure they are in a somewhat semi-controlled, safe environment, and let them play, learn, and grow without you being right there. Be in the next room, upstairs, or outside, but honor the process and give them space. On my blog I have 50 play based ways kids can play independently that you can read here! 

 

 

 

 

Babies, Toddlers, and Preschoolers

 

Let them learn developmental milestones like crawling, walking, climbing by letting them fall and picking themselves back up. Be nearby, but avoid saying “be careful” “no, don’t and stop” or trying to be there every second to catch them if they fall so they don’t become fearful in a situation that isn’t dangerous. Try to set up engaging activities for them where you don’t have to carry them or be right next to them the whole time. Go get something else done while they play on their own! This skill will help them self regulate as they grow!

 

 

Elementary Age Kids 

 

 

Start giving them small tasks that are age appropriate like making their bed, getting the mail for you, and even going to a trusted friend’s house on their own without you there like younger playdates. Let them get dirty outside. It’s ok, they can take a bath and wash their clothes. Let them make a mistake and cry. It’s ok, be there to hug and hold them when they need it afterwards. Let them fail a test. It’s ok, they will learn to study more instead of staying up late playing video games.

 

 

Tweens and Teens

 

 

Let them start setting their own alarm, keeping their own calendar, and making their own food. When you are cleaning their dishes or doing their laundry, stop and take a moment to step back, and honor them to do their own dishes and laundry. They may not do it correctly or the way you would do it, but let them learn their own way. This non-anxious parenting should also take place when your child is learning a new skill, playing, doing homework, or making a project. Try not to help them as much as you can (in other words, don’t do their work for them), and try not to correct the moves they make if it’s not “perfect” or the way you think it should be done. Give them the freedom to try it on their own. And if they ask for help, respond with “how do you think it should be done”?

 

 

 

 

Dangers of Overparenting

 

 

Constantly correcting and managing a child’s every move will make them feel anxious and have a lack of confidence. Studies have shown that if a child is over-parented, they tend to have more indecisiveness, dependency, second guessing every move, and ineffective coping skills, higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, and more problems in school with peers, academics, and life skills.

 

Parents don’t need to feel pressure to entertain their kids 24/7. And when kids are independent, it gives parents a much needed break, too!

 

Be there as your child’s guide or coach without impeding their self image or confidence on how to handle the world they live in. When the going gets tough, show them it’s ok to sit in the mess, and then give them guidance on how to get up again. And teach them how to have a growth mindset!  It’s imperative for them to learn these skills in order to function well as an adult. Set them up for success for their future!

 

FOX 5 San Diego News

 

 

 

 

You can watch the full segment below!

 

 

https://fox5sandiego.com/video/expert-how-to-raise-independent-children/7801689/

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Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children.

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TODAY.com Parenting Team Parenting Contributor

About Dr. Kim

Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children. Read More…

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🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had t 🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had today! 🇺🇸

As soon as we woke up I started educating my children, specifically my daughter, on what the inauguration meant and why today was such a special day in history. We both were glued to the television as we watched @kamalaharris be sworn in as the first Black South Asian woman Vice President and @joebiden be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. We also were powerfully moved hearing @amandascgorman - the youngest inaugural poet in history recite “The Hill We Climb.” 

My daughter was so excited to participate and recite the Pledge of Allegiance with the rest of the county and she was so proud to see and be a part of history in the making. I haven’t been to Washington D.C. in about 8 years but I promised I would take her one day when the pandemic is over. 

In the meantime, I have a fun fact for you! Did you know that President Joe Biden and I both graduated from the same university? Yep! We both went to @syracuseu 🍊 And in fact, @joebiden is the first @syracuseu alumnus to become President of the United States! 

📸: @chrissywphoto #inauguration #inagurationday #inaguration2021 #joebiden #kamalaharris #presidentbiden #syracuseuniversity #syracuse #syracuseu #historyismade #madamvicepresident #mommyandme #46thpresident #sandiego #sandiegoblogger #momblogger #parentingblogger #motherhood
This time of year is notorious for dry air, allerg This time of year is notorious for dry air, allergies, and sinus trouble. #ad 

And since I work from home, it can get quite noisy and distracting with my husband and two children here, so sometimes I get my best work done in the comfort of my own bed. And the best part is that I can have my new @crane_usa “4 in 1” cool mist humidifier on at all times with essential oils to help with overall wellness and since it comes with a sound machine I can block out the other noises in the house! 

And at night, it helps my sinuses as I sleep, especially when the dry air of the heater is on, and it has a nightlight so my kids can see where they are going in the middle of the night when they inevitably need water or a hug! 

This is our 6th #cranehumidifier style and it’s my favorite one yet! Check out my stories for a closer look! 👀 #happyhealthyhumidity 

#humidifier #coldandflu #humidifiers #peaceandquiet #workingfromhome #workingmom #working #coldandfluseason #coldandflurelief #winter #winterstyle #wintertime #wintervibes #winter2021 #wahm #wahmlife #wahmlifestyle #workfromhomemom #workfromhomelife #workfromhome #workathomemom #workathome #workathomelife #newmom #babyshowergift #sinusrelief
{New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude {New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude” 🌱✨🌸

Throwing it back to one of the first mommy and me photos I ever posted on my feed because I’ve been teaching my daughter about gratitude since she was this little, possibly even younger (she is two here for reference)! 

Gratitude is such an important virtue and must have trait to build a child’s character. It also shows therapeutic benefits when you show gratitude to others, so why wouldn’t you want to make it a priority to teach and instill in your children? 

In this blog, I have suggestions for how to teach children gratitude broken down by ages and stages from infancy to teenage years, while also including some conversation prompts, and links to my favorite gratitude journals for busy families that we use here at home! 

Find the direct link to read in my bio and stories! I also published similar articles on @todayparents and @redtricycle if you follow me there! #drkimblog
DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️ I am DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I am that mom who wants to do it all and when I get overwhelmed or start suffering from a major case of burnout, I feel guilty if I take a break instead of giving my body and mind permission to slow down or even stop. 

As moms we often feel guilty if we take a break or believe we are perceived as weak if we ask for help. I have learned that the more I ask for help and the more time I take for myself, the better I am for my children. 

Guilt is an emotional response to something you perceived you did wrong, but when you experience unnecessary guilt, it’s counterproductive to healing and helping you with what you need most. So give it a try and let me know how you are going to take a break and not feel guilty about it this week below in the comments! ⤵️ #drkimparentingtips #theparentologist #drkimparentingadvice
DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when yo DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when you were little - and still do! 🙋🏼‍♀️🐱#ad

I am so excited to have all of these new items from the @erincondren Hello Kitty collection that launched today to keep work fun, playful, and reminiscent of childhood - something all adults need a little more of, am I right? 

The collection is all about organization, kindness, and friendship. My favorite piece of the collection is the “Daily Kindness and Joy Journal” that boldly says BE KIND, BE NICE, REPEAT on the front cover but I am also pretty obsessed with the Hello Kitty x Erin Condren Pencil Case and Vegan Leather Padfolio! 

Swipe to see my business attire on top and activewear on the bottom work style! 😉 And head to my stories to see it all up close and for your convenience I have everything linked for you http://liketk.it/35XZC and make sure to follow me at THEPARENTOLOGIST @liketoknow.it  for more of my favorites!!! #liketkit #erincondren
{New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and {New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and Role Play Ideas for Children with Autism” 🧩 🧸 🚂 ⚽️ 
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For the last 3 years I have spent my career therapeutically helping families and children of all ages on the Autism Spectrum. Play has been a fundamental way for many of my clients to communicate if they are non-verbal. And some of my clients have had to be taught how to play with a toy or another person. The play ideas listed on the blog can be used with children with or without special needs. Play is a universal way a child can explore their world in a way that makes sense to them and cultivate imagination, creativity, and fun! As a Registered Play Therapist, I love the work I do and couldn’t be prouder of the progress my clients have made with play over the years! #drkimblog
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#autism #autismmom #autismfamily #autismspectrum #autismcommunity #autismparent #autismlife #autismparents #autismparenting #autistickids #autisticchildren #autistictoddler #autismresources #playtherapy #playtherapist #playbasedlearning #learningthroughplay #activitiesforkids #activitiesfortoddlers #activitiesforchildren #sensoryplay #sensoryplayideas #sensoryprocessingdisorder #sensoryactivities #momswhoblog #ontheblog #newblogpost #parentingblogger #momblogger
{New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control {New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control of Your Eczema” #ad 
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These winter months have been so dry and my eczema has been flaring up. Can anyone relate? For decades I have used a variety of treatment options from over-the-counter ointments and lotions to doctor prescribed steroid medication. In today’s blog, I am partnering with @mediqcme to share more of my story and struggles with atopic dermatitis as well as some new treatment options! If you or a loved one suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis it’s a must read! 
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Plus there is a survey at the end of the blog you can fill out and opt in to be entered to win 1 of 10 VISA gift cards! 🙌🏻 Link in bio and in stories! #itchyskinhelp #drkimblog
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#eczema #eczemarelief #eczemahealing #eczematreatment #eczemaproblems #eczemawarrior #atopicdermatitis #itchyskin #itchyskinrelief #atopicskin #atopicdermatitistreatment #atopicdermatitismanagement #eczemamanagement #winterskincare #winterskin #winterskincareroutine #winterskincaretips #newblogpost #momswhoblog #ontheblog #wellnessblogger #wellnesstips #wellnessexpert
{New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get {New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want” 
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As a Registered Play Therapist, play is the foundation to the way I help children conceptualize and conquer the world. Play is second nature to children and the way they respond to many of life’s obstacles. Sometimes as parents, it is easy to get into a power match with your children, especially when you want your children to comply with a request and they won’t budge. When this happens, we need to change the way our adult mind thinks and switch it to the way a child thinks. Instead of giving them a punitive consequence, try these play recommendations that can be used with children as young as toddlerhood all the way to adolescents! #drkimblog 
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#playtherapy #playtherapist #therapistsofinstagram #playoutsidethebox #learningthruplay #playbasedlearning #learningthroughplay #learningisfun #parenting #parentingtips #parenting101 #parentingteens #parentingtweens #parentingtoddlers #parentingadvice #parentingexpert #parentingblogger #parentingblog #newblogpost #ontheblog #momswhoblog #parenthood #toddlerproblems #toddlermom #behaviortherapist #behaviortherapy #positiveparentingsolutions #positiveparentingtips #positiveparenting
{New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effect {New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effectively in 2021” ✨ 
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It’s is usually around this time that I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish for the year. And whether you believe in making resolutions, affirmations, or goals, it is time to be proactive!! On the blog, I outlined an organizational system I use year after year to help me accomplish my goals. And I hope they work for you!! 
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What are some of your goals you want to accomplish this year? 
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#2021 #2021goals #goals #goalsetting #goalgetter #goalsettingtips #goalsetter #goalsetting2021 #goalcrusher #momhustle #snowday #snowman #newgoals #newgoals2021 #mommyandme #letthembelittle #letthembekids #letthemplay #playoutside #playoutdoors #playoutsidethebox #familyday #familyfun #familysnowday
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