This morning I had the absolute honor of being invited to FOX 5 San Diego to give my expert parenting advice about “How to Raise Independent Children.” I had a wonderful LIVE conversation with Shally Zomorodi during the Morning News about the dangers of overparenting and how to honor and give children more space and autonomy.
Often overparenting is more about the parent’s anxiety and an unfulfilled need for a secure attachment. If a parent is overly anxious about their children getting hurt, making mistakes, and taking risks, then they will tend to be more of an overparent. Likewise, if the parent had an insecure attachment growing up and depends on their children for security and connection, they too will often overparent more than someone who was raised in a more securely attached environment.
Independence is a Life Skill
Living life is a learning process and a life skill. And ultimately, kids need autonomy and independence from their parents. Kids need to fall and fail just as much as they need to succeed. And kids need to be confident in failure. As a parent, it is so difficult to watch your child make a mistake or get hurt physically or emotionally, but kids need to learn how to make decisions on their own, and succeed in their own self-efficacy. A strong sense of self efficacy promotes human accomplishment and personal well-being. A child with high self-efficacy views challenges as something to be mastered rather than a threat to be avoided.
The Importance of Independent Play
Kids need independent autonomous time to play. They need space to explore their environment and make sense of their world. This type of play will also strengthen their social skills, communication skills, and critical thinking skills. So make sure they are in a somewhat semi-controlled, safe environment, and let them play, learn, and grow without you being right there. Be in the next room, upstairs, or outside, but honor the process and give them space. On my blog I have 50 play based ways kids can play independently that you can read here!
Babies, Toddlers, and Preschoolers
Let them learn developmental milestones like crawling, walking, climbing by letting them fall and picking themselves back up. Be nearby, but avoid saying “be careful” “no, don’t and stop” or trying to be there every second to catch them if they fall so they don’t become fearful in a situation that isn’t dangerous. Try to set up engaging activities for them where you don’t have to carry them or be right next to them the whole time. Go get something else done while they play on their own! This skill will help them self regulate as they grow!
Elementary Age Kids
Start giving them small tasks that are age appropriate like making their bed, getting the mail for you, and even going to a trusted friend’s house on their own without you there like younger playdates. Let them get dirty outside. It’s ok, they can take a bath and wash their clothes. Let them make a mistake and cry. It’s ok, be there to hug and hold them when they need it afterwards. Let them fail a test. It’s ok, they will learn to study more instead of staying up late playing video games.
Tweens and Teens
Let them start setting their own alarm, keeping their own calendar, and making their own food. When you are cleaning their dishes or doing their laundry, stop and take a moment to step back, and honor them to do their own dishes and laundry. They may not do it correctly or the way you would do it, but let them learn their own way. This non-anxious parenting should also take place when your child is learning a new skill, playing, doing homework, or making a project. Try not to help them as much as you can (in other words, don’t do their work for them), and try not to correct the moves they make if it’s not “perfect” or the way you think it should be done. Give them the freedom to try it on their own. And if they ask for help, respond with “how do you think it should be done”?
Dangers of Overparenting
Constantly correcting and managing a child’s every move will make them feel anxious and have a lack of confidence. Studies have shown that if a child is over-parented, they tend to have more indecisiveness, dependency, second guessing every move, and ineffective coping skills, higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, and more problems in school with peers, academics, and life skills.
Parents don’t need to feel pressure to entertain their kids 24/7. And when kids are independent, it gives parents a much needed break, too!
Be there as your child’s guide or coach without impeding their self image or confidence on how to handle the world they live in. When the going gets tough, show them it’s ok to sit in the mess, and then give them guidance on how to get up again. And teach them how to have a growth mindset! It’s imperative for them to learn these skills in order to function well as an adult. Set them up for success for their future!
FOX 5 San Diego News
You can watch the full segment below!
https://fox5sandiego.com/video/expert-how-to-raise-independent-children/7801689/
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