Last week I conducted a free, LIVE pod on the Peanut App regarding this topic. If you weren’t able to join me, I thought I would write a short recap about what I discussed! If you haven’t joined my community mom group called “The Parentologist Moms” on the app yet, you can join here. It’s a place where we can connect with one another and share everything in relation to parenting, childhood behaviors, and mental health.
I want to begin by sharing that as a parent, disciplining and giving consequences is unavoidable. Our job is meant to mentor, role model, and teach our children right from wrong as well as how to behave. And it’s no easy task. Even though I am thoroughly trained and have over a decade of experience as a positive behavioral expert, positive parenting does not mean children do not receive consequences for their behavior. In some cases, there is a natural consequence from their actions. For example, if they are trying to eat an ice cream while also trying to run, the natural consequence might mean their ice cream falls on the ground or they trip and hurt themselves. Or if they don’t study for a test, they might fail the exam and get a poor grade. There is a cause and effect to our actions. These types of consequences are inevitable and are a part of a life lesson. However, there are ways we can help mentor and coach our children to help them make the best decision and avoid some of these pitfalls of life. But when a child has been given warnings and blatantly is disrespectful, irresponsible, and defiant, than a pre-planned consequence is necessary. That is also a life lesson. But there are ways to go about disciplining and providing a consequence that is more helpful than yelling at them and sending them to their room.
Plan the Consequence in Advance
Before your child misbehaves and is given a consequence, make sure they know what it is they are about to gain or lose from their behavior. Pre-planning consequences when your child is in a mild and calm state of mind is the most effective and helpful way to teach them behavior expectations and potential consequences if those behavior expectations are not met. This will avoid them feeling like the rug was abruptly pulled out from under them and reacting even more negatively. Trying to wing it and thinking of a potential consequence in the heat of the moment will not be effective long term and can do more damage. For example, you might get upset and then emotionally tell your child “no more iPad” in the moment, but then regret your decision when you have to cook dinner or hop on a phone call and desperately wish your child had a few minutes of screen time while you got some work done. Thinking about and discussing consequences ahead of time will benefit both parent and child.
Empower Your Child to Choose a Consequence
Some parents believe that children are just meant to do what they are told and often do not give children a voice. Children are told what to do all the time by adults whether it’s a parent, teacher, coach, etc. But y empowering them and giving them a sense of power, will ultimately help them behave more positively.
It will help a child comply and behave if they are part of the consequence decision making process.
I wanted to emphasize that, because that is a golden ticket to getting children to behave more positively. So when you are sitting down with your child ahead of time, front loading your behavior expectations, ask them what consequences they think are fair. Allow them to be part of the process. And also make sure the punishment fits the crime. For example, if a child spills their cereal all over the floor and it gets all over the carpet, shaming them and sending them to their room because they did something “bad” doesn’t fit the crime. And sometimes children have such low attention spans, which is developmentally appropriate at young ages, you will have to remind them over and over about certain things like looking both ways before they cross the street, so punishing them for not doing so, will only create more problems.
Make it a Positive Consequence
Instead of taking something away, consider letting your child gain something instead!
Yep, I bolded that statement, too! Many parents go straight to taking something away from a child when they misbehave or do something wrong, but it’s not the only option. For example, instead of saying your are going to take away their favorite toy, say, “If you show me you can behave in the store and not cry because we aren’t getting an ice cream” I will let you have 15 minutes extra on the iPad this afternoon or you can earn to stay up later for 15 minutes before you go to bed.
Give Them a Choice
When your child misbehaves, give them an opportunity to choose to behave more positively, instead of not giving them the benefit of the doubt and immediately giving them a consequence. Research has shown that children want to please their caregivers and don’t want to be “in trouble” for their behavior. So when they misbehave, give them a choice to comply. If they comply, they won’t get a consequence. In fact, they may even get a reward for listening and following directions! Then, they will want to repeat that same positive behavior in the future because it feels so good. On the flip side, if they don’t comply, then follow through with the predetermined consequence. For example, let’s say your child is jumping on the couch when they aren’t supposed to. You can say to them, “I need you to stop jumping on the couch because it’s our house rule and it’s not safe.” Then, if they continue the behavior, say, “If you get off the couch like I asked, I will let you go play outside for the next 15 minutes and then maybe get a cookie, but if you continue jumping on the couch, you’ll have to go to your room for 15 minutes and no cookie.” Let your child think about their options for a moment. Then, ask for their decision. Most of the time, the child will choose to behave positively. So when they do comply, praise them for making a good choice. But if they don’t, they know to expect the consequence. This decision making process will help empower your child and give them a sense of control as well as help them developmentally start making positive decisions on their own.
Let Them Have a Do Over
When your child does something they aren’t supposed to do, give them a do-over to repeat the behavior the way they are supposed to based on your behavior expectations and house rules.
Give them an opportunity to let them show you they know how to behave.
For example, let’s say your child is running in the parking lot, when they are clearly not supposed to. Stop your child and remind them of the behavior expectation and then ask them to go back to the sidewalk, look both ways, and use their walking feet back to you.
Be Consistent and Follow Through
If we, as parents, don’t follow through or are inconsistent, our children will find the loophole and we will lose their respect and our power. It is extremely critical that we follow through and be consistent. I will sometimes allow my children to earn back something in exchange for more positive behavior, but sometimes, I don’t. One more thing I want to mention on this, is that if your child receives a reward for something they did, but then misbehaves, that prior reward should not be taken away, since it was in relation to another positive behavior. Choose a different way to give them a consequence that isn’t related to the other reward. If you do, you run the risk of losing your child’s trust and they won’t want to bother doing anything positive because they believe you will just take it away, so why bother?
Consider a Time In Instead of a Time Out
Instead of sending your child to their room or a time-out chair, give them an opportunity to learn from their behavior with a “time-in”. For example, let’s say they leave their trash on the floor even though you have asked them not to a billion times. Instead of a traditional time out punishment, ask them to walk around the house with you, or even around the neighborhood, and pick up 3 pieces of trash to help them learn the importance of cleaning for their home and environment. Or possibly use a sticker reward chart and for every time they pick up their own trash after lunch, you give them a sticker. After so many stickers, they can earn a trip to the park!
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