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How to Positively Handle Punishment, Discipline, and Consequences

Last week I conducted a free, LIVE pod on the Peanut App regarding this topic. If you weren’t able to join me, I thought I would write a short recap about what I discussed! If you haven’t joined my community mom group called “The Parentologist Moms” on the app yet, you can join here. It’s a place where we can connect with one another and share everything in relation to parenting, childhood behaviors, and mental health.

 

I want to begin by sharing that as a parent, disciplining and giving consequences is unavoidable. Our job is meant to mentor, role model, and teach our children right from wrong as well as how to behave. And it’s no easy task. Even though I am thoroughly trained and have over a decade of experience as a positive behavioral expert, positive parenting does not mean children do not receive consequences for their behavior. In some cases, there is a natural consequence from their actions. For example, if they are trying to eat an ice cream while also trying to run, the natural consequence might mean their ice cream falls on the ground or they trip and hurt themselves. Or if they don’t study for a test, they might fail the exam and get a poor grade. There is a cause and effect to our actions. These types of consequences are inevitable and are a part of a life lesson. However, there are ways we can help mentor and coach our children to help them make the best decision and avoid some of these pitfalls of life. But when a child has been given warnings and blatantly is disrespectful, irresponsible, and defiant, than a pre-planned consequence is necessary. That is also a life lesson. But there are ways to go about disciplining and providing a consequence that is more helpful than yelling at them and sending them to their room.

 

Plan the Consequence in Advance

 

Before your child misbehaves and is given a consequence, make sure they know what it is they are about to gain or lose from their behavior. Pre-planning consequences when your child is in a mild and calm state of mind is the most effective and helpful way to teach them behavior expectations and potential consequences if those behavior expectations are not met. This will avoid them feeling like the rug was abruptly pulled out from under them and reacting even more negatively. Trying to wing it and thinking of a potential consequence in the heat of the moment will not be effective long term and can do more damage. For example, you might get upset and then emotionally tell your child “no more iPad” in the moment, but then regret your decision when you have to cook dinner or hop on a phone call and desperately wish your child had a few minutes of screen time while you got some work done. Thinking about and discussing consequences ahead of time will benefit both parent and child.

 

Empower Your Child to Choose a Consequence

 

Some parents believe that children are just meant to do what they are told and often do not give children a voice. Children are told what to do all the time by adults whether it’s a parent, teacher, coach, etc. But y empowering them and giving them a sense of power, will ultimately help them behave more positively.

 

It will help a child comply and behave if they are part of the consequence decision making process. 

 

I wanted to emphasize that, because that is a golden ticket to getting children to behave more positively. So when you are sitting down with your child ahead of time, front loading your behavior expectations, ask them what consequences they think are fair. Allow them to be part of the process. And also make sure the punishment fits the crime. For example, if a child spills their cereal all over the floor and it gets all over the carpet, shaming them and sending them to their room because they did something “bad” doesn’t fit the crime. And sometimes children have such low attention spans, which is developmentally appropriate at young ages, you will have to remind them over and over about certain things like looking both ways before they cross the street, so punishing them for not doing so, will only create more problems.

 

Make it a Positive Consequence

 

Instead of taking something away, consider letting your child gain something instead! 

 

Yep, I bolded that statement, too! Many parents go straight to taking something away from a child when they misbehave or do something wrong, but it’s not the only option. For example, instead of saying your are going to take away their favorite toy, say, “If you show me you can behave in the store and not cry because we aren’t getting an ice cream” I will let you have 15 minutes extra on the iPad this afternoon or you can earn to stay up later for 15 minutes before you go to bed.

 

Give Them a Choice

 

When your child misbehaves, give them an opportunity to choose to behave more positively, instead of not giving them the benefit of the doubt and immediately giving them a consequence. Research has shown that children want to please their caregivers and don’t want to be “in trouble” for their behavior. So when they misbehave, give them a choice to comply. If they comply, they won’t get a consequence. In fact, they may even get a reward for listening and following directions! Then, they will want to repeat that same positive behavior in the future because it feels so good. On the flip side, if they don’t comply, then follow through with the predetermined consequence. For example, let’s say your child is jumping on the couch when they aren’t supposed to. You can say to them, “I need you to stop jumping on the couch because it’s our house rule and it’s not safe.” Then, if they continue the behavior, say, “If you get off the couch like I asked, I will let you go play outside for the next 15 minutes and then maybe get a cookie, but if you continue jumping on the couch, you’ll have to go to your room for 15 minutes and no cookie.” Let your child think about their options for a moment. Then, ask for their decision. Most of the time, the child will choose to behave positively. So when they do comply, praise them for making a good choice. But if they don’t, they know to expect the consequence. This decision making process will help empower your child and give them a sense of control as well as help them developmentally start making positive decisions on their own.

 

 

Let Them Have a Do Over

 

When your child does something they aren’t supposed to do, give them a do-over to repeat the behavior the way they are supposed to based on your behavior expectations and house rules.

 

Give them an opportunity to let them show you they know how to behave. 

 

For example, let’s say your child is running in the parking lot, when they are clearly not supposed to. Stop your child and remind them of the behavior expectation and then ask them to go back to the sidewalk, look both ways, and use their walking feet back to you.

 

 

Be Consistent and Follow Through

 

If we, as parents, don’t follow through or are inconsistent, our children will find the loophole and we will lose their respect and our power. It is extremely critical that we follow through and be consistent. I will sometimes allow my children to earn back something in exchange for more positive behavior, but sometimes, I don’t. One more thing I want to mention on this, is that if your child receives a reward for something they did, but then misbehaves, that prior reward should not be taken away, since it was in relation to another positive behavior. Choose a different way to give them a consequence that isn’t related to the other reward. If you do, you run the risk of losing your child’s trust and they won’t want to bother doing anything positive because they believe you will just take it away, so why bother?

 

Consider a Time In Instead of a Time Out

 

Instead of sending your child to their room or a time-out chair, give them an opportunity to learn from their behavior with a “time-in”. For example, let’s say they leave their trash on the floor even though you have asked them not to a billion times. Instead of a traditional time out punishment, ask them to walk around the house with you, or even around the neighborhood, and pick up 3 pieces of trash to help them learn the importance of cleaning for their home and environment. Or possibly use a sticker reward chart and for every time they pick up their own trash after lunch, you give them a sticker. After so many stickers, they can earn a trip to the park!

 

 

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Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children.

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About Dr. Kim

Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children. Read More…

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🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had t 🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had today! 🇺🇸

As soon as we woke up I started educating my children, specifically my daughter, on what the inauguration meant and why today was such a special day in history. We both were glued to the television as we watched @kamalaharris be sworn in as the first Black South Asian woman Vice President and @joebiden be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. We also were powerfully moved hearing @amandascgorman - the youngest inaugural poet in history recite “The Hill We Climb.” 

My daughter was so excited to participate and recite the Pledge of Allegiance with the rest of the county and she was so proud to see and be a part of history in the making. I haven’t been to Washington D.C. in about 8 years but I promised I would take her one day when the pandemic is over. 

In the meantime, I have a fun fact for you! Did you know that President Joe Biden and I both graduated from the same university? Yep! We both went to @syracuseu 🍊 And in fact, @joebiden is the first @syracuseu alumnus to become President of the United States! 

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This time of year is notorious for dry air, allerg This time of year is notorious for dry air, allergies, and sinus trouble. #ad 

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And at night, it helps my sinuses as I sleep, especially when the dry air of the heater is on, and it has a nightlight so my kids can see where they are going in the middle of the night when they inevitably need water or a hug! 

This is our 6th #cranehumidifier style and it’s my favorite one yet! Check out my stories for a closer look! 👀 #happyhealthyhumidity 

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Throwing it back to one of the first mommy and me photos I ever posted on my feed because I’ve been teaching my daughter about gratitude since she was this little, possibly even younger (she is two here for reference)! 

Gratitude is such an important virtue and must have trait to build a child’s character. It also shows therapeutic benefits when you show gratitude to others, so why wouldn’t you want to make it a priority to teach and instill in your children? 

In this blog, I have suggestions for how to teach children gratitude broken down by ages and stages from infancy to teenage years, while also including some conversation prompts, and links to my favorite gratitude journals for busy families that we use here at home! 

Find the direct link to read in my bio and stories! I also published similar articles on @todayparents and @redtricycle if you follow me there! #drkimblog
DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️ I am DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I am that mom who wants to do it all and when I get overwhelmed or start suffering from a major case of burnout, I feel guilty if I take a break instead of giving my body and mind permission to slow down or even stop. 

As moms we often feel guilty if we take a break or believe we are perceived as weak if we ask for help. I have learned that the more I ask for help and the more time I take for myself, the better I am for my children. 

Guilt is an emotional response to something you perceived you did wrong, but when you experience unnecessary guilt, it’s counterproductive to healing and helping you with what you need most. So give it a try and let me know how you are going to take a break and not feel guilty about it this week below in the comments! ⤵️ #drkimparentingtips #theparentologist #drkimparentingadvice
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I am so excited to have all of these new items from the @erincondren Hello Kitty collection that launched today to keep work fun, playful, and reminiscent of childhood - something all adults need a little more of, am I right? 

The collection is all about organization, kindness, and friendship. My favorite piece of the collection is the “Daily Kindness and Joy Journal” that boldly says BE KIND, BE NICE, REPEAT on the front cover but I am also pretty obsessed with the Hello Kitty x Erin Condren Pencil Case and Vegan Leather Padfolio! 

Swipe to see my business attire on top and activewear on the bottom work style! 😉 And head to my stories to see it all up close and for your convenience I have everything linked for you http://liketk.it/35XZC and make sure to follow me at THEPARENTOLOGIST @liketoknow.it  for more of my favorites!!! #liketkit #erincondren
{New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and {New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and Role Play Ideas for Children with Autism” 🧩 🧸 🚂 ⚽️ 
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For the last 3 years I have spent my career therapeutically helping families and children of all ages on the Autism Spectrum. Play has been a fundamental way for many of my clients to communicate if they are non-verbal. And some of my clients have had to be taught how to play with a toy or another person. The play ideas listed on the blog can be used with children with or without special needs. Play is a universal way a child can explore their world in a way that makes sense to them and cultivate imagination, creativity, and fun! As a Registered Play Therapist, I love the work I do and couldn’t be prouder of the progress my clients have made with play over the years! #drkimblog
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These winter months have been so dry and my eczema has been flaring up. Can anyone relate? For decades I have used a variety of treatment options from over-the-counter ointments and lotions to doctor prescribed steroid medication. In today’s blog, I am partnering with @mediqcme to share more of my story and struggles with atopic dermatitis as well as some new treatment options! If you or a loved one suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis it’s a must read! 
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{New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get {New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want” 
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As a Registered Play Therapist, play is the foundation to the way I help children conceptualize and conquer the world. Play is second nature to children and the way they respond to many of life’s obstacles. Sometimes as parents, it is easy to get into a power match with your children, especially when you want your children to comply with a request and they won’t budge. When this happens, we need to change the way our adult mind thinks and switch it to the way a child thinks. Instead of giving them a punitive consequence, try these play recommendations that can be used with children as young as toddlerhood all the way to adolescents! #drkimblog 
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{New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effect {New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effectively in 2021” ✨ 
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It’s is usually around this time that I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish for the year. And whether you believe in making resolutions, affirmations, or goals, it is time to be proactive!! On the blog, I outlined an organizational system I use year after year to help me accomplish my goals. And I hope they work for you!! 
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What are some of your goals you want to accomplish this year? 
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