Have you ever wondered if you are overparenting your children? Or maybe if you aren’t honoring their individual strengths enough? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, parenting is hard. And even though there is no one way to parent, there are things you learn along the way to try and be the best parent you can be that will hopefully lead to the best outcomes for your children.
A few weeks ago I attended a virtual summit for Responsibility.org and I learned a lot about parenting from Julie Lythcott-Haims who is the author of Your Turn: How to Be an Adult. And although I am deemed as a parenting expert myself, I still learn from other parents. I personally believe you can never learn enough and there is always something new to be learned through every life stage. So today, I want to focus on two things, because parenting can also be overwhelming, and I don’t want to focus on too many things at once. I want to talk about Over Parenting and Honoring Children.
Children learn by our actions. Yes, even when we think they aren’t looking or listening, they are. I noticed it when my kids were toddlers and now that they are older, I am certain that everything I do is being observed and analyzed. Every choice we make is being witnessed and absorbed by our children, good or bad. Not only do we have to be accountable in our own lives, we need to think about how it will impact our children’s lives as well. This can add a lot of pressure to being a parent. So hopefully I can help give some hope, insight, and inspiration to help those sticky moments of uncomfortable parenting.
How to Encourage and Support Your Kids
Here is the good news. Talking openly to your children and encouraging conversations around life will help tremendously as a way to not only connect with them, but to also help them navigate through life and the tough decisions they will have to make. One of the best things you can do for your children is build a long-term, trusting relationship with them and build a safe place for them to come to for support, advice, and help. Having a secure attachment will allow them to feel more empowered and confident in their decision making as well.
As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, parents should be checking in with their children on a daily basis. Sometimes kids don’t want to “talk” for long periods of time. They are trying to find themselves, their independence, and their autonomy so unless you are a peer, it’s easy to get disconnected as a parent. And if you try to have long conversations with them that sound more like a lecture, they will get restless and tune out quickly. They possibly may even start to resent you and avoid you and having a conversation with you. So here’s my advice. First, start as early as you can to build trust and make daily check-ins a routine. I’m taking 8 or 9 years old, if possible, if note earlier. Make a daily check-in an expectation. Make a daily check-in effortless. Make a daily check-in something quick and easy and maybe even a little fun. This is a great way to keep a pulse on your child’s mood, mental and emotional health, and social activity.
I usually do a check-in after school each day and you can start this as young as toddlerhood! No, seriously! At the end of daycare or preschool, ask your child how they are doing by giving you a thumbs up, thumb down, or sideways thumb to gauge their day. If the give you a thumbs up, move on! If it’s a thumbs sideways or down, you can follow up with more questions about why or what went wrong and how you can help. Showing empathy and validation is very important during this part of the conversation. As the child gets older, like elementary school, you can ask them to scale their day from 1-10. If the number is high, move on. If the number is low, ask them what could have made it higher and follow up with more questions about the day. But be careful not to overload them or flood them. You will lose them and they may shut down. As a tween or teen, you can continue the scaling and or make it more engaging like asking them to tell you something good, something bad, and something funny about their day. Empower them by letting them chose the order in which they tell you their answers. You can easily do this in the car on the way home or sitting around the dinner table.
I also highly recommend that parents show their children empathy and validation when they are trying to support and encourage them. Showing and telling them that you understand and that you accept them goes a long way in building a positive relationship. You can find more tips on how to connect with your kids here!
How to Honor Your Children’s Strengths and Differences
As a parent, we want the best for our children. And sometimes we think we are focusing on what’s best for them without really seeing them for who they are. And there is so much pressure from society and peers to be the best athlete, get into a notable college, get the best grades, be popular at school, etc. But that perfectionistic expectation is never achievable. Parents need to honor their children for where they are at and for who they truly are. Maybe it’s not being the quarterback on the football team, but they are excelling in theater or art. Maybe they got mostly A’s and some B’s or are in the lower reading group at school but they are trying their best and giving it their all. Maybe it’s not getting AP classes, but still graduating and getting into a good college that will supply them with an exceptional education and degree in order to get a job. Maybe they won’t be a doctor, but they want to be a teacher or a vet that may not pay as much.
If a child knows they are unconditionally loved and supported despite their challenge and deficits, and their strengths aren’t compared to others in their peer group but their own personal best, that is what will be the most meaningful to them. This doesn’t mean you can’t share preferences or encouragement to make good choices and try to achieve lofty goals, but if you find yourself pushing for what you want instead of what they want or what is best for them, it will lead to your child feeling resentful and unsupported and will cause more problems with trust and acceptance as they grow older. If you see them trying their best, praise them for it in the moment, before a test, not as a direct result after a test based solely on their performance instead of their effort. And if you see them chase their passion, encourage and support them along the way even if it isn’t what you pictured for them.
How to Not Overparent Your Kids
I have to admit, I need to get better at this myself. I am so scared my kids are going to fall or fail, that I try to be there to catch them if they do, but that isn’t always a good thing. Kids need to fall and fail just as much as they need to succeed! Overparenting is more about a parent’s anxiety than it is an effective way to parent. No one likes to be micromanaged, whether its a co-worker, partner/spouse, or child. As a parent, it is so difficult to watch your child make a mistake or get hurt physically or emotionally, but instead of trying to react to those things in the moment, it is better for you to talk about things like safety ahead of time being proactive and preventative, and then once it happens, being supportive, empathetic, and validating after the fact. Once the dust settles, you can go back to teaching them accountability, safety, responsibility, etc.
Living life is a learning process and whether its achieving developmental milestones, getting good grades, or learning life skills, kids need autonomy and independence from their parents. There are also a lot of benefits to letting kids play without being watched every second. As a mom, it pains me to think about it sometimes because I love my kids so much and want to be a part of their lives in every shape, form, and fashion, but I know that just because it might feel good to me, doesn’t mean it is the best for them. So the next time you go to clean their dishes or do their laundry, stop and take a moment to step back, and honor them to do their own dishes and laundry. They may not do it correctly or the way you would do it, but let them learn how their own way. This non-anxious parenting should also take place when your child is learning a new skill, playing, doing homework, or making a project. Try not to help them as much as you can (in other words, don’t do their work for them), and try not to correct the moves they make if it’s not “perfect” or the way you think it should be done. Give them the freedom to try it on their own. And if they ask for help, respond with “how do you think it should be done”?
Constantly correcting and managing their every move will make them feel anxious and have a lack of confidence. Studies have shown that if a child is over-parented, they tend to have more indecisiveness, dependency, and ineffective coping skills, a higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, and more problems in school with peers, academics, and life skills. So let them get dirty outside. It’s ok, they can take a bath and wash their clothes. Let them make a mistake and cry. It’s ok, be there to hug and hold them when they need it afterwards. Let them fail a test. It’s ok, they will learn to study more instead of staying up late playing video games. Be there as their guide or coach without impeding their self image or confidence to handle the world they live in. When the going gets tough, show them it’s ok to sit in the mess, and then give them guidance on how to get up again. And teach them how to have a growth mindset! It’s imperative for them to learn these skills in order to function well as an adult. Set them up for success for their future!
Responsibility Prevention
Responsibility.org has so many resources and conversation starters for parents to talk about risk seeking behaviors, underage drinking, and drunk driving prevention. Sometimes children just want a parent to listen, and that’s ok. Let them vent and avoid giving them a lecture of advice. But sometimes, if a child feels emotionally safe in a trusted environment with a non-judgmental adult, they may seek feedback. Try to keep it concise and to the point, but this is where education and influence can really begin! A child’s brain keeps growing until they are in their 20’s, so it’s not too late to start. Have a conversation today and you will help prevent and minimize risk behaviors!
“PARENTS ARE THE NUMBER ONE INFLUENCE ON THEIR KIDS’ DECISIONS TO DRINK—OR NOT TO DRINK—ALCOHOL, AND WHEN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ALCOHOL BETWEEN CHILDREN AND PARENTS INCREASE, THE UNDERAGE DRINKING RATE DECREASES” – RESPONSIBILITY.ORG
I also encourage you to go to Responsibility.org to receive valuable information for parents with children as young as 6-9 years old. If your children are in the 9-13 age range, you may also want to check out Responsibility.org’s underage drinking prevention program called Ask, Listen, Learn. As a parent, giving your child a voice is such a powerful and beneficial gift you can give them. And the earlier you talk to them, the better, but remember, it’s never to late to open the lines of communication. And Responsibility.org has a tremendous amount of resources and conversation starters to help you! Responsibility.org has conversation starters on their site here. In fact, their Ask, Listen, Learn program is a completely FREE digital underage drinking prevention program for kids ages 9-13 (grades 4-7) and their parents and educators with the goal to reduce underage drinking. The summer is a great time to talk to your children when they are home and have less outside pressure.
This post is sponsored by Responsibility.org and I am a very proud #TeamResponsibilty ambassador, but all opinions are my own.
You can follow Responsibility.Org on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for more information! #TeamResponsibility
Leave a Reply