Over many years of being a child therapist, I have worked with thousands of children struggling with anger and aggression. I have conducted numerous parenting groups on the topic and I have some tips I’d like to share that may help you and your child if they are displaying anger and aggression.
Anger is a Secondary Emotion
First and foremost, it is important to know that anger is a secondary emotion. This means, that in many cases, if your child is angry, it is most likely stemming from an underlying emotion. Anger usually stems from either feeling hurt, sad, or scared. Think about the last time your child was angry, was there an underlying reason why they were angry? Maybe someone was mean to them at school. Maybe they got a bad grade on a test. Maybe they don’t feel well. Most kids get angry when they are told NO. Even in this case, they are angry with you because you “rejected” them with your answer to whatever they wanted. This made them feel hurt. In their egocentric world, they feel like “my parent doesn’t love me otherwise they would have said yes.” Pay attention to “why” your child is angry, then you can better handle the issue and help your child more strategically.
The Negative Cycle of Emotions
Since most children cannot cognitively or developmentally comprehend and articulate their emotions to an adult, they just get angry. However, the cycle continues to spiral because the more the child has an outburst or even a full blown meltdown, there parent might get frustrated or upset that their child is causing a scene or destroying their room, and they might get in trouble for acting out, which only perpetuates the problem. Then the anger in the home continues to escalate until both the parent and the child are regulated again. So, if your child is upset, it is important to pay attention to your own reaction and response. Try to stay calm and regulated, so your child can feed off of your energy and follow suit.
Learning to Self Regulate Anger
There are many things a parent can teach their child to proactively prevent an anger or aggressive outburst. If a parent can identify the underlying emotion to the anger or know their child’s triggers, they can avoid or minimize them before they even begin. For example, if you know your child is going to beg for a toy when you go to the store, you can tell them your execrations before stepping foot into the store. First make sure you and your child are calm. Yes, that’s right! If you are regulated, it will help your child be regulated. If you aren’t regulated yourself, your child will feed off of your energy, and often will be triggered more easily. So before going into the store, do some deep breaths together. If they are really little, stick some bubbles in your diaper bag and take turns slowly blowing the bubbles together to regulate. Then, you can tell your child that if they can go into the store and not cry and scream for a toy (since you calmly made it clear you weren’t buying any toys today) they will get some sort of a positive reinforcement for their behavior. This can be a hug or a hug five and lots of verbal praise, or if you need it, it can be some sort of small treat like fruit gummies, extra technology time, or having a later bedtime.
Setting Limits and Redirection
You can also set healthy limits with your child and redirect their anger and aggression. Let’s say they have trouble hitting, biting, or throwing themselves down on the ground in protest. You’ll want to calmly tell them that biting their sibling is not ok, and if they want to bite something, have a teething toy or something safe to bite on that won’t hurt them or someone else. If they want to destroy your white walls with colorful markers, let them know that behavior is not ok. Instead, redirect them to a piece of paper that they can scribble on or even tear into tiny pieces to let go of their anger and aggression. Lastly, I highly recommend parents buy their children an inexpensive throw pillow that belongs to that particular child for the sake of self regulating. This pillow can be used at home, taken on the go in the car, or even stuffed into a diaper bag or stroller for when you are at a store in public. The idea is that the moment your child starts to escalate their behavior, you hand them the pillow and remind them that they can stomp on the pillow, throw the pillow against the wall or on the ground as hard as they can, hit the pillow as much as they want, bite the pillow, or even scream into the pillow as loud as they can (with parent supervision so they don’t suffocate).
Changing Their Environment
It is impossible to logically rationalize with your child if they are in the middle of a meltdown. Their stress hormone, cortisol, is so high at this point, you have no choice but to wait it out, safely. You can try to actively ignore if it’s on the minor side. If it’s a moderate to severe meltdown, make sure you and your child are safe and try to calmly encourage them to go outside or change their environment. Tempt them with something you see outside, like a bird, and ask them to come see it, or you can even ask them for help with something in the garage. The idea is to change their environment and brain waves as well get fresh air to help physiologically help them regulate again.
Anger is a Healthy Emotion
Make sure you have a conversation with your children and let them know that being angry is ok. Tell them anger is an acceptable emotion and a common one that everyone, including you, feel from time to time. Validate their anger and show empathy. And then give them positive coping strategies that they can practice to harness their anger in a non-maladaptive way.
Tools That Can Help
I recommend setting up a self regulation station in your home. Set up a small area in your home that is just for your child to regulate. This area is not a punitive area for your child to go to for a time out and it is not a reward area for your child to go to if they do something good. Have some sensory toys, a pillow, a blanket, a bop bag, some fidgets, some art materials, a stress ball, and even some Play Doh in this area. The point is to have things in that area that will help them regulate. Make sure to limit their time there so it’s only used to regulate. I recommend a 10 minute sand timer. Not only can a visual timer be calming, children can also monitor their own time while they are in that area.
I hope these tips helped! If so, let me know in the comments. And if you have questions, leave them in the comments, too!
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