As parents we want the best for our children. We would not only love to keep communication lines open and flowing during the adolescent years, we also strive to prevent risk seeking behaviors for their own health, safety, and wellbeing. But how do we get there? Parenting is a constant learning experience and with each stage of life comes new challenges. And things that may have worked when your children were little, may not work when they get older. As parents, we need to keep learning, shifting, and modifying our parenting approach and not only take one day at a time, but be ready and prepared for the curve balls along the way.
I recently attended a virtual summit with Responsibility.Org on this topic. You have seen me work with them for the past two years advocating for parents to talk to their children about alcohol at an early age to try and prevent risk behaviors later on in their tween and teen years. I strongly align with their mission to prevent early and excessive alcohol consumption as well as drunk driving. During the summit, we heard from experts like Christine Koh and Jessica Lahey and Tiffany.KitchenRX. Although I don’t have adolescents in my home, I used to teach high school and many of my early clients were in that age group. I have had a lot of experience working with tweens and teens and have a lot of knowledge and advice to share on how you can try to prevent and minimize risk behaviors.
Thus today, as a parenting expert, I want to share some ways you can talk to your adolescent about preventing risk seeking behaviors.
Find Common Ground
What interests does your adolescent have? Do they love sports, music, or art? Maybe it’s skateboarding or hiking. Whatever it is, take notice of what they like and show an active interest. Yes, they might claim they are a little embarrassed by you or reject you at first if you try to talk to them about it, but deep down they will appreciate the effort. Start slowly at first. Maybe start with asking questions like, “What was that song you were listening to the other day? I really liked it.” and then ask them who the artist is, find it, and download it. Once you know more about the song, you can ask deeper questions about the lyrics and what it means to them. Slowly but surely, your conversations will become value based and once the door is open for you to talk to them on a regular basis, you can ask questions about their friends, what they do after school before they come home, what happens at parities they attend, and eventually risk seeking behaviors. This is where the education begins and how you can try and prevent and minimize their risk behaviors by offering support and solutions.
Give Them a Creative Outlet
A child’s dopamine levels are lower in their teen years compared to children and adults, therefore, life may feel a little boring to them, and they may need more motivation and stimulation at this age. So let them get their novelty seeking with something positive like indoor skydiving, bungee jumping, or taking up a new sport rather than fall into a maladaptive risk seeking activity that you may not even know about or have much control over. Once they are able to focus on something exciting and fun to get a dopamine release, then they won’t necessarily seek it out themselves or be tempted to seek it elsewhere.
Do Quick Daily Check-Ins
Sometimes adolescents don’t want to “talk” for long periods of time. They are trying to find themselves, their independence, and their autonomy so unless you are a peer, it’s easy to get disconnected as a parent at this age. And if you try to have long conversations with them that sound more like a lecture, they will get restless and tune out quickly. They possibly may even start to resent you and avoid you and having a conversation with you. So here’s my advice. First, start as early as you can to build trust and make daily check-ins a routine. I’m taking 8 or 9 years old, if possible, if note earlier. Make a daily check-in an expectation. Make a daily check-in effortless. Make a daily check-in something quick and easy and maybe even a little fun. This is a great way to keep a pulse on your child’s mood, mental and emotional health, and social activity. I usually do a check-in after school each day and you can start this as young as toddlerhood! No, seriously! At the end of daycare or preschool, ask your child how they are doing by giving you a thumbs up, thumb down, or sideways thumb to gauge their day. If the give you a thumbs up, move on! If it’s a thumbs sideways or down, you can follow up with more questions about why or what went wrong and how you can help. Showing empathy and validation is very important during this part of the conversation. As the child gets older, like elementary school, you can ask them to scale their day from 1-10. If the number is high, move on. If the number is low, ask them what could have made it higher and follow up with more questions about the day. But be careful not to overload them or flood them. You will lose them and they may shut down. As a tween or teen, you can continue the scaling and or make it more engaging like asking them to tell you something good, something bad, and something funny about their day. Empower them by letting them chose the order in which they tell you their answers. You can easily do this in the car on the way home or sitting around the dinner table.
Put a Label on Emotions
As a licensed therapist, naming emotions is one of the most critical things you can teach a child as early as the toddler years. Children know basic emotions by toddlerhood like happy, sad, mad, and scared. Take time as they grow to put a label on all of their emotions and let them know having these emotions is ok! Empathize and validate them! Help them figure out what the motivation is behind their behavior. Are they hungry? Are they angry? Are they bored? Are they lonely? Are they tired? Are they being bullied? Did they just go through a breakup? Did they fail a test? Maybe they feel rejected, embarrassed, or overwhelmed. Help them pinpoint the emotion by identifying it, labeling it, and then have a discussion about it.
Teach Coping Skills
You can start teaching self regulation and coping skills at an early age. You can teach children by modeling and how you handle a stressful day and how you cope with daily stressors. Do you withdraw or overreact emotionally? Do you cope with alcohol? Do you cope by going for a run? Children pay close attention to how their parents cope with problems and then somewhat mimic those behaviors as they grow older. So first, model the behavior you want your child to have. Try to avoid saying, “I’m an adult and what I do is ok, but you are a child and can’t do it too.” There is some truth to that, but having to justify why it’s ok for you to do something and it’s not ok with them, doesn’t ever go well. It might work when a child is young, but it doesn’t fly with the older kids. Secondly, teach them how they can self regulate and cope if a problem arises. If they are sad, frustrated, or upset, teach them that they can go for a run outside, write in a journal, draw a picture, shoot some hoops, or listen to music to help them feel better. Find what works for your child and help them learn how to return to their baseline behavior and emotions as quickly and as seamless as possible. Maybe even offer to do the activity with them.
Be Involved and Observant
Be proactive and take notice of your child’s mood and any changes in their behavior. Have there been any rapid changes in their sleep, mood, friendships, grades, or eating behaviors? If so, this may mean something is wrong emotionally, mentally, socially, or academically. This may also mean they are engaging in some sort of risk behavior activity, so as soon as you notice sudden big shifts in their emotionality or behavior, don’t play it off, step in, and involve yourself or get them professional help and support if needed.
Get To Know Their Friends
How well do you know your child’s friends? If you don’t know them, I encourage you learn more about your child’s friendships. Get to know their names, their interests, and even their parents. Ask them over for a playdate if they are young or an after school homework study session or maybe take them for frozen yogurt. Either way, try to learn and meet your children’s friends as much as you can (and as much as they will let you)!
Preventative Conversation Starters
Responsibility.org has so many resources and conversation starters for parents to talk about risk seeking behaviors, underage drinking, and drunk driving prevention. Sometimes children just want a parent to listen, and that’s ok. Let them vent and avoid giving them a lecture of advice. But sometimes, if a child feels emotionally safe in a trusted environment with a non-judgmental adult, they may seek feedback. Try to keep it concise and to the point, but this is where education and influence can really begin! A child’s brain keeps growing until they are in their 20’s, so it’s not too late to start. Have a conversation today and you will help prevent and minimize risk behaviors!
“PARENTS ARE THE NUMBER ONE INFLUENCE ON THEIR KIDS’ DECISIONS TO DRINK—OR NOT TO DRINK—ALCOHOL, AND WHEN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ALCOHOL BETWEEN CHILDREN AND PARENTS INCREASE, THE UNDERAGE DRINKING RATE DECREASES” – RESPONSIBILITY.ORG
I also encourage you to go to Responsibility.org to receive valuable information for parents with children as young as 6-9 years old. If your children are in the 9-13 age range, you may also want to check out Responsibility.org’s underage drinking prevention program called Ask, Listen, Learn. As a parent, giving your child a voice is such a powerful and beneficial gift you can give them. And the earlier you talk to them, the better, but remember, it’s never to late to open the lines of communication. And Responsibility.org has a tremendous amount of resources and conversation starters to help you! Responsibility.org has conversation starters on their site here. In fact, their Ask, Listen, Learn program is a completely FREE digital underage drinking prevention program for kids ages 9-13 (grades 4-7) and their parents and educators with the goal to reduce underage drinking. The summer is a great time to talk to your children when they are home and have less outside pressure.
You can follow Responsibility.Org on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for more information! #TeamResponsibility
I am a Responsibility.org ambassador this year and I am compensated to write the post but all of my opinions are my own.
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