Pretty much everyone I talk to has had enough with the pandemic. Parents are overwhelmed, discouraged, and burnt out and kids are disengaged, unmotivated, and feeling a loss of connection with the world. Depression and suicide rates are on the rise and children are feeling a greater sense of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness the more they are isolated and a prisoner in their own homes. Kids of all ages are experiencing a lack of self-efficacy and are in a state of desperation for a sense of belonging and a sense of control since so much right now is out of their control.
Before the pandemic, children and adolescents didn’t have much control over their lives. They constantly had parents, teachers, coaches, and even peers telling them what to do, how to act, and how to live their lives. Some children and adolescents struggle with this and rebel or fight back for any bit of freedom they can find. Others develop a sense of helplessness and struggle with indecisiveness, trusting themselves to make good decisions, taking control or showing any type of leadership skills, and being independent.
So when you throw a global pandemic into the mix of normal childhood development and adolescent functioning, kids are lacking a sense of autonomy that they would have gotten if they were not confined to their homes for almost an entire year with no end in sight. And this is only amplified if parents are over functioning for their children since they are together all day, everyday. Thus, many children and adolescents are suffering socially, academically, mentally, and emotionally as a result of the pandemic, stay at home orders, and a prolonged quarantine. Children are extremely resilient but they are also suffering and trying to survive just like their parents. Their social, emotional, and behavioral needs are sometimes overlooked since they appear to be handling well, even though they are struggling just like the adults in different ways and for different reasons.
Therefore, I am so proud to partner with Reponsibility.org and be on their team for the second year in a row to help them with their overall mission and goal of empowering parents to cultivate a lifetime of conversations with their kids, including about alcohol responsibility. And last month our team had a virtual summit and we were able to hear the knowledgeable and amazing Jessica Lahey talk. Her first book, The Gift of Failure, is filled with valuable tips for all parents and a must read. And her new book, The Addiction Inoculation, is coming out in April and I am so excited to read it! This blog was birthed and inspired from the topics we discussed during the summit together in hopes to help as many parents as possible with tools on how to help their children.
Autonomy Through the Developmental Life Cycle
Toddlers and teenagers have a natural desire for independence and control. Helping your child achieve a sense of autonomy is helpful for healthy development. Autonomy helps prepare children to feel safe and confident in the world and will help them learn how to make good decisions later on in life. Since so much of the world is out of a toddler’s, or sometimes a teenager’s control, they will seek ways to have autonomy and will go through any means possible to get it.
According to Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, the autonomy vs shame stage occurs between 18 month to 2-3 years old. During this stage, toddlers are ego-centric and hyper-focused on developing a greater sense of self-control. If this stage is stunted, then these children may suffer with low self image, a lack of confidence, and indecisiveness later on in life.
Autonomy is also sought again primarily in the preteen and teen years because adolescents developmentally want to feel capable and independent to make their own choices and have control over their life and the world they live in. The main difference is that toddlers depend on their parents more than teenagers do, so if autonomy is denied, a toddler may just have a tantrum, but a teenager may completely disengage or become inwardly or outwardly destructive. Toddlers will typically still listen and comply to their parents requests, but a teenager is less likely to, and may lead to disrespectful and or defiant behavior. This is why parents need to start having conversations with their children early, and learn how to empower and engage their children, so the family system will function in a normal and effective manner. This was a lot easier to achieve before the pandemic, but it’s still possible, despite the pandemic, it will just take a little more effort and creativity.
Self-Efficacy
One of my favorite Psychologists, Albert Bandura, who I was fortunate enough to meet at a psychology conference many years ago, coined the term self-efficacy and defined it as “people’s beliefs in their capabilities to exercise control over their own functioning and over events that affect their lives.” Therefore, one’s sense of self-efficacy can provide the foundation for motivation, engagement, well-being, confidence, and personal accomplishment. A lack of self-efficacy can also be a risk factor for academic failure and substance abuse, which is why it’s so important to start engaging with them while they are young.
Intrinsic Motivation vs Extrinsic Motivation
There are two different types of motivation that can help your children and adolescents feel more empowered and engaged. These types of motivation can also provide them a greater sense of self-efficacy and self confidence to get their homework done, help with chores around the house, and feel good about themselves by the end of the day. There are two types of motivation; intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation comes from within, a sense of wanting to get something done because it feels good or because it’s the right thing to do. Intrinsic motivation is very values based. Extrinsic motivation, on the other hand, is based on external validation and praise and is often done via a reward chart of some kind. Younger children tend to respond better to reward charts and older children are able to conceptualize doing what’s right without getting a reward or praise since their cognitive and developmental levels are higher. However you child responds, finding what motivates them is key to knowing how to help them.
Here are my TOP 5 Ways how to help your children and adolescents be more engaged and more empowered to achieve a greater sense of self-efficacy.
Give Them Authority
One of the best ways to empower children is by giving them choices. When a parent trusts a child to make decisions in their life, they feel empowered and develop a sense of confidence. So what choices can you allow your child to make based on their age, cognitive, and developmental level? A toddler may get a sense of control and feel empowered by making choices about what shirt they are going to wear or making the choice between eating one of two preferred snacks at lunchtime. A school-aged child might be able to choose what is for dinner once a week or what movie the family watches for family movie night. A tween or teenager might be able to pick what day of the week they get their chores done or what time of the day they get their homework done. Anytime you can give your child a choice to make a decision, it will help motivate them, engage them, and empower them.
Give Them Responsibility
It’s important for children to feel a sense of belonging and meaning. If they know they are an active contributor in their home and their family, they tend to be more invested, engaged, and motivated to help with chores and other daily tasks that need to get done. Responsibility can be taught as early as toddlerhood and grows the older a child gets. So what can you let go of that your child can accomplish on their own? Maybe it’s making their bed every morning or cleaning their own dishes when they are done eating after a meal, but whatever it is, they need a sense of responsibility to feel engaged, empowered, and in control. So give them a chance! They are capable of so much more than we imagine at times. So if they offer to put the groceries away, let them even if you can do it in half the time or put things in the wrong spot! Let them get their own cereal for their milk even if they might spill it all over the counter. They learn by doing and you will help them so much in the process!
Give them Space
Where is the one place in your home that your child feels safe and has control over? It’s most likely their bedroom if they have their own room, which not every child has. Many of my friends and client’s families have their children in shared rooms, so it can get a bit tricky for a child to “own” their own space and seek some independent time if they share a room. Thus some of these children might be able to take authority over their own bed, but if not, parents will need to help their children get creative to find another spot in the home that “belongs to them.” In this case, I suggest parents set up an area in the home that is like a sanctuary for their child. A place they can go to be alone. A place where they can just be if they want. A place that they can take ownership over. This place can be a corner in the home where they can have a bean bag and pillows and some materials like headphones and music, a journal, art supplies, etc. Each sibling in the home can choose their own space, as long as its pre-approved or collaboratively created with a parent. This space is not intended to be a punitive space or a reward space. It’s more like a free space. But once it’s established, it’s theirs to spend time in throughout the day before school, after school, or on breaks. If your child has trouble leaving their space to activity participate in everyday functioning and family activities, you can set up a visual and or auditory timer to limit the times they can be there, but just make sure they know in advance how much time they can spend there daily and that they get time there on a daily basis!
Give Them Hope
Give your child something to look forward to once the pandemic is over. Let them imagine what it will be like when they get to go back to school in real life or go to the park with their friends. I know my children love going to theme parks and sometimes we imagine what it will be like when we can go to Disneyland again. We talk about what rides we will go on and where we want to eat. Children need a sense of control over their future and sometimes imagining what they want their future will look like helps them manifest it in real life. Plus, it might help engage and motivate them because they have something concrete to hold on to and believe in. It gives them a sense of hope and belonging that they can hold tight of until the pandemic is over.
Give Them a Voice
As parents, we are all busy. We are multitasking and juggling multiple balls each and every day and go to sleep with things still not crossed off our to-do list. But one of the best gifts you can give your child right now is your time. Give them time to talk to you. Give them time to process with you. Give them time to vent. And give them time to share about their lives, their emotions, and their struggles. Having a conversation with your children doesn’t necessarily mean you have to give them advice, or share some life changing knowledge, but more so, an ear to listen to them. Listening and taking in what they are telling you is much more valuable then you sharing with them. Some conversations should be reserved for just them and should be focused on just them. These types of conversations will build attachment, trust, safety, and a bridge to talk about tough content the older they get like alcohol and or substance abuse. According to Responsibility.org, “Parents are the number one influence on their kids’ decisions to drink—or not to drink—alcohol, and when conversations about alcohol between children and parents increase, the underage drinking rate decreases.” So giving children a voice is such a powerful and beneficial gift you can give them. And the earlier you talk to them, the better, but remember, it’s never to late to open the lines of communication. Responsibility.org has a tremendous amount of resources and conversation starters to help you! In fact, their Ask, Listen, Learn program is a completely FREE digital underage drinking prevention program for kids ages 9-13 (grades 4-7) and their parents and educators with the goal to reduce underage drinking.
This is a sponsored blog post as part of being a #TeamResponsibilty ambassador, but all opinions are my own.
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