It’s back to school time and adults all across the country are in full parenting mode, already diving in deep with dilemmas and drama and navigating the academic, social, and mental health pressures of their children. Parents want the best for their children, and do the best they can, but sometimes fall into some pitfalls that are difficult to manage, especially when connecting with tweens and teens. In our current societal culture, youth need their parents support more than ever, and so I am going to share some ways parents can avoid common mistakes, strengthen their relationship with their children no matter what their age, and how to connect with them on a deeper level.
Create and Cultivate Dedicated Time Together
Whether you call it dedicated time, dating your children, or scheduled family play dates, spending one-on-one time with your child (whether you have an only child or multiple children) makes a huge difference in their emotional well-being and their overall behavior. This goes for children from toddlers to teenagers. All children need dedicated alone time with their parent(s) to openly discuss anything on their mind or just to release and have fun in a safe and sacred environment. I have clients of all ages, even some in their early 20’s, who crave and look forward to this type of alone time with their parents. And often, especially for the younger ones, it helps them manage better behavior.
When I have had clients share with me that their children are being defiant and acting out or are jealous of the other sibling, (this happens especially for toddlers with a new baby), one of the first things I recommend is for the parents to intentionally carve out time on their calendar for undivided alone time with that child. Over the years, I have received so much positive feedback from parents that behaviors and communication improved with this extra one-on-one time.
There are so many benefits to having dedicated time with your children. Spending time with each of your children is important for their self-worth, self-image, and overall emotional, mental, and social wellbeing. Dedicated time will also:
-enhance your relationship with your child
-create a stronger and healthier secure attachment
-lessen negative attention seeking behavior
-lessen temper tantrums
-create long lasting positive memories
-teach your child relationship and communication skills
-teach your child the important of family values
-strengthen parent child communication
I suggest setting aside a small amount of time each day or each week – your special alone time can be simply going to get the mail together at the mailbox each afternoon or writing letters for each other once a week in a mailbox that is just for you and them to communicate with each other. I also recommend a date outside the home once a month for each child, with each parent. Just make sure it’s not everyday activity like running errands and make sure to make it a screen free zone.
Also, make sure to put it on the calendar (if it’s not, something else will come up or you’ll forget), be consistent, and follow through! I know we already have A LOT on our plates, but trust me, this extra effort pays off. Children, especially the older ones, will hold you accountable for this time. It is something they look forward to and depend on, so be consistent.
Connect with Youth on a Daily Basis
If you know me, you know I love a daily check in! Sometimes children don’t want to “talk” for long periods of time. They are trying to find themselves, their independence, and their autonomy so it’s easy to get disconnected as a parent during the teen years. And if you try to have long conversations with them that sounds more like a lecture, they will get restless and tune out quickly. They possibly may even start to resent you, avoid you, and refrain from having a conversation with you. So here’s my advice. First, start as early as you can to build trust and make daily check-ins a routine. I’m talking 8 or 9 years old, if possible, if not earlier. Make a daily check-in an expectation. Make a daily check-in effortless. Make a daily check-in something quick and easy and maybe even a little fun. This is a great way to keep a pulse on your child’s mood, mental and emotional health, and social activity.
I usually do a check-in after school each day and you can start this as young as toddlerhood. No, seriously! At the end of daycare or preschool, ask your child how they are doing by giving you a thumbs up, thumb down, or sideways thumb to gauge their day. If the give you a thumbs up, move on! If it’s a thumbs sideways or down, you can follow up with more questions about why or what went wrong and how you can help. Showing empathy and validation is very important during this part of the conversation. As the child gets older, in elementary school, you can ask them to scale their day from 1-10. If the number is high, move on. If the number is low, ask them what could have made it higher and follow up with more questions about the day. But be careful not to overload them or flood them. You will lose them and they may shut down.
As a tween or teen, you can continue the scaling and or make it more engaging like asking them to tell you something good, something bad, and something funny about their day. Empower them by letting them chose the order in which they tell you their answers. You can easily do this in the car on the way home or sitting around the dinner table. If your child doesn’t want to verbalize how they are feeling on any given day, have them write down the number on a tablet, piece of paper, or in a text message or email to you.
Listen to Youth Without Invalidating Them
When a child shares a story or experience about their day or something they are struggling with, just practice listening and not responding. We don’t like to see our kids in any pain and innately want to help them. But sometimes when we interject our own advice based on similar stories and experiences, we intend to relate, but in actuality, it invalidates the child and they end up getting resentful and angry or shutting down. It is during these times when a lecture is the last thing they want or need to hear.
Even though we could have a parallel experience, we have to remember that when we do this, it pivots the focus from them to you, and that can feel invalidating. Even though it may be similar experience, it’s not the same experience. And even if feels exactly the same, let them have their moment and just be there to hold space and listen. As parents we tend to me problem solvers and don’t give kids many choices, we just do. You can still show empathy by saying “that must be hard. I had a similar experience and know a bit how you might feel” and then leave it at that…then ask “do you want me to just listen or help you solve the problem?”
The most important element of this process is learning how to pause. Learning how to pause before you respond and reflect before speaking is the most powerful and helpful ways to connect and help your child. One of your biggest parenting tools is to empower them to know what they need and share how you can best support them.
Praise Accomplishments, Encourage Strengths, and Normalize Failure
Did you know that the more successful the parent, the more difficult for the child to appreciate they can fail? I know that sounds like a lot of pressure, and you can still be a successful parent, just don’t forget to normalize failure, when you have made mistakes, and that you had to work hard to achieve your goals. Let your children know that you will support them and love them, even if they fail. Encourage them to take some healthy risks, knowing they could fail, and that is ok. Learning how to pick up broken pieces is a life skill children need to learn.
As a parent, we want the best for our children. And sometimes we think we are focusing on what’s best for them without really seeing them for who they are. And there is so much pressure from society and peers to be the best athlete, get into a notable college, get the best grades, be popular at school, etc. But that perfectionistic expectation is never achievable. Parents need to honor their children for where they are at and for who they truly are. Maybe it’s not being the quarterback on the football team, but they are excelling in theater or art. Maybe they got mostly A’s and some B’s or are in the lower reading group at school but they are trying their best and giving it their all. Maybe it’s not getting AP classes, but still graduating and getting into a good college that will supply them with an exceptional education and degree in order to get a job. Maybe they won’t be a doctor, but they want to be a teacher or a vet that may not pay as much.
If a child knows they are unconditionally loved and supported despite their challenge and deficits, and their strengths aren’t compared to others in their peer group but their own personal best, that is what will be the most meaningful to them. This doesn’t mean you can’t share preferences or encouragement to make good choices and try to achieve lofty goals, but if you find yourself pushing for what you want instead of what they want or what is best for them, it will lead to your child feeling resentful and unsupported and will cause more problems with trust and acceptance as they grow older. If you see them trying their best, praise them for it in the moment, before a test, not as a direct result after a test based solely on their performance instead of their effort. And if you see them chase their passion, encourage and support them along the way even if it isn’t what you pictured for them.
I have to admit, I need to get better at this myself. I am so scared my kids are going to fall or fail, that I try to be there to catch them if they do, but that isn’t always a good thing. Kids need to fall and fail just as much as they need to succeed. Overparenting is more about a parent’s anxiety than it is an effective way to parent. No one likes to be micromanaged, whether its a co-worker, partner/spouse, or child. As a parent, it is so difficult to watch your child make a mistake or get hurt physically or emotionally, but instead of trying to react to those things in the moment, it is better for you to talk about things like safety ahead of time being proactive and preventative, and then once it happens, being supportive, empathetic, and validating after the fact. Once the dust settles, you can go back to teaching them accountability, safety, responsibility, etc.
Living life is a learning process and whether its achieving developmental milestones, getting good grades, or learning life skills, kids need autonomy and independence from their parents. There are also a lot of benefits to letting kids play without being watched every second. As a mom, it pains me to think about it sometimes because I love my kids so much and want to be a part of their lives in every shape, form, and fashion, but I know that just because it might feel good to me, doesn’t mean it is the best for them. So the next time you go to clean their dishes or do their laundry, stop and take a moment to step back, and honor them to do their own dishes and laundry. They may not do it correctly or the way you would do it, but let them learn how their own way. This non-anxious parenting should also take place when your child is learning a new skill, playing, doing homework, or making a project. Try not to help them as much as you can (in other words, don’t do their work for them), and try not to correct the moves they make if it’s not “perfect” or the way you think it should be done. Give them the freedom to try it on their own. And if they ask for help, respond with “how do you think it should be done”?
Constantly correcting and managing their every move will make them feel anxious and have a lack of confidence. Studies have shown that if a child is over-parented, they tend to have more indecisiveness, dependency, and ineffective coping skills, a higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, and more problems in school with peers, academics, and life skills. So let them get dirty outside. It’s ok, they can take a bath and wash their clothes. Let them make a mistake and cry. It’s ok, be there to hug and hold them when they need it afterwards. Let them fail a test. It’s ok, they will learn to study more instead of staying up late playing video games. Be there as their guide or coach without impeding their self image or confidence to handle the world they live in. When the going gets tough, show them it’s ok to sit in the mess, and then give them guidance on how to get up again. And teach them how to have a growth mindset! It’s imperative for them to learn these skills in order to function well as an adult. Set them up for success for their future!
Model Self Regulation and Positive Self Care
It is important to talk to your kids about how you deal with life stressors and for them to see how you deal with life stressors. This is how children learn. You are their role model. Do your children know how to cope with difficult situations and how to manage their anxiety? Can they self regulate easily? What are their coping skills? Do they know how you manage? Do you label your emotions?
Coping skills range from very healthy to very toxic. I recently spoke about the difference between faux self-care and real self-care in a previous blog. You can read more about that here. There is a big difference between using a healthy coping mechanism like breathing techniques, meditation, mindfulness, movement, journaling, etc., versus using maladaptive coping skills like excessive alcohol consumption after a stressful day. Find out what works for your children and involve them when you can. Maybe it’s listening to music, drawing or painting, or even going for a walk together.
Parents are their child’s most influential role model, even in the teen years, when it comes to making healthy decisions and preventing risk behaviors. So use your super power for good. Show your children how to engage in healthy limits, positive self care, and useful coping skills. And then teach them and encourage them to do the same when they are overstimulated or dysregulated.
Role Play Challenging Conversations and Conflictual Situations
In grad school we learned about a Gestalt Therapy method called the “Empty Chair” technique that basically allows an individual to express themselves to someone without that other person being present. It works really well to practice how to release thoughts and emotions, as well as how to role play having a difficult conversation with others.
So of course, I put my own play therapy spin on it and use a trusted teddy bear (honestly any stuffed animal will do) to help with my own children as well as my clients. If your child is struggling with a peer at school or needing to advocate for themselves with a teacher or coach, this exercise will help teach them how to communicate and let them practice having tough conversations. They can even practice having a difficult conversation with you!
If they want, they can even speak or respond as the stuffed animal (or you can help with that part) so they see varying perspectives on how the other person will respond to them! They will learn what they want to say and what they don’t want to say. They can practice as long as they need to before having the conversation in real life.
This play-based exercise is also helpful if your child is struggling with tough emotions and just needs to let it all out to someone they love and trust without any feedback or judgment. Since some children have trouble being vulnerable and opening up verbally to their parents, this is a phenomenal way to release emotions about what they are struggling with. A parent can listen from another room so they can keep a pulse on their child to make sure they don’t need to intervene in any way (make sure your child knows this so they don’t think you are eavesdropping).
A similar method works for teens. They may not want to role play with a teddy bear, but that’s where you come in. Teens want to bounce off ideas, points of views, etc., with someone they trust. So without judgment or interjection, listen and respond to them in a role play scenario. Practice various situations and conversations so they can experience what they should or want to say and also how how it might be perceived and revived by the other person. This also allows them to manage the expectations of the communication taking place. Since we live in a technological world, practicing real life face-to-face conversations is key. This is a life skill, we as parents, all need to work on with our children.
Also teach your children how to use I-Statements: For example, I feel rejected when you say you can’t have lunch with me. Instead of ignoring my texts or just saying no without any explanation, can you say something like, “I would love to spend time with you because I know it’s important to you. I can’t have lunch today, so let’s meet up after school instead.”
What To Say When Your Youth Says, “You Just Don’t Understand”
When your child says, “You just don’t understand,” the truth is, you may not. You may have had a similar experience in the past, but even if that’s the case, you still may not understand your child’s unique perspective and how they are conceptualizing the experience. If this is you, say “then help me understand in your words. I may not understand and that’s my truth.”
A relationship built on communication is about understanding and empowering children to give what they think you are missing. As we talked about earlier, try not to invalidate them by interjecting your own experience and or a solution. Sometimes kids just need to express themselves and externalize the problem. They want to solve it, and by letting them, you are teaching them that you trust them and believe in their decision making skills. This will help children be better critical thinkers and grow up to feel confident and be less indecisive. Our children don’t need us to problem solve, they need us to hear and attend to their emotion and experience. Once you attend to emotion and experience, they may come back and want to talk through problem solving.
More Resources
Earlier this year, I traveled to Chicago to attend a Parenting Summit with Responsibility.Org. I have proudly been one of their parent ambassadors for many years and it’s been my most meaningful job because I strongly align with their mission to help educate and encourage parents to have conversations with their children to prevent underage drinking and drunk driving.
One of the speakers at the summit was Brian Coleman, the 2019 School Counselor of the Year, who spoke about similar topics that I wrote about in this blog. He is truly a magical unicorn with youth, and so much so, I also asked him to be a guest on my podcast, titled, “Unlocking the Teenage Code: How to Bridge the Generation Gap.”
And now, more than ever, it’s vital that we talk with our kids about alcohol responsibility. It’s imperative we educate them on the dangers of underage drinking and drunk driving. And it’s crucial we have open ended conversations with them. It’s critical we are proactive and preventative. And Responsibility.org has so many resources and conversation starters for parents to talk about risk seeking behaviors, underage drinking, and drunk driving prevention. Sometimes children just want a parent to listen, and that’s ok. Let them vent and avoid giving them a lecture of advice. And sometimes, if a child feels emotionally safe in a trusted environment with a non-judgmental adult, they may seek feedback. Try to keep it concise and to the point, but this is where education and influence can really begin. A child’s brain keeps growing until they are in their 20’s, so it’s not too late to start.
“PARENTS ARE THE NUMBER ONE INFLUENCE ON THEIR KIDS’ DECISIONS TO DRINK—OR NOT TO DRINK—ALCOHOL, AND WHEN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ALCOHOL BETWEEN CHILDREN AND PARENTS INCREASE, THE UNDERAGE DRINKING RATE DECREASES” – RESPONSIBILITY.ORG
I encourage you to go to Responsibility.org to receive valuable information for parents with children as young as 6-9 years old. If your children are in the 9-13 age range, you may also want to check out Responsibility.org’s underage drinking prevention program called Ask, Listen, Learn. As a parent, giving your child a voice is such a powerful and beneficial gift you can give them. And the earlier you talk to them, the better, but remember, it’s never to late to open the lines of communication. And Responsibility.org has a tremendous amount of resources and conversation starters to help you! Responsibility.org has conversation starters on their site here. In fact, their Ask, Listen, Learn program is a completely FREE digital underage drinking prevention program for kids ages 9-13 (grades 4-7) and their parents and educators with the goal to reduce underage drinking. This Winter Break from school is a great time to talk to your children when they are home and have less outside pressure.
To learn more about Responsibility.Org, please listen to this podcast episode titled “Early and Often: How and When to Talk to Your Kids About Alcohol” where I interviewed Leslie Kimball, the Executive Director of Responsibility.Org.
And for more information about how to Prevent Underage Drinking and Drunk Driving, please visit one of my previous blog posts here!
I am a #TeamResponsibilty ambassador and although this post is sponsored by Responsibility.Org, all opinions are my own.
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