The History
I first noticed a change in my body about a year and a half ago. My first health shift started when I noticed having much heavier periods than I’d ever had in my life. They were so heavy, all of a sudden, it was difficult not to notice, and sometimes so unmanageable, it made it difficult to leave the house, especially on the first two days of my cycle. This change in blood flow was unnerving because I have had light periods my entire life, so this came as a huge shock for me. At first I thought it was a side effect from the medication I was taking for breast cancer prevention, but I had stopped that medication over a year beforehand, but I thought it still may have triggered these new symptoms.
I honestly tried not to think about it too much and then learned to live with it, month after month. I spent the next six months sitting a lot, writing my book, wearing sweatpants, not thinking too much about my body or my level of activity. Once I wrapped up writing my manuscript, it was my mission to focus on my health and wellness. But first, I had to travel across the country for a few work trips first. That’s when I noticed the next symptom, the belly bulge. For the most part, my body shape and size hasn’t changed in probably two decades. I am just saying that for perspective. I’ve had small shifts here and there, especially after two pregnancies, but for the most part have been wearing the same pants, dresses, and skirts for the last 20+ years. But as I was packing for one of my business trips and put on a skirt to make sure it fit, it didn’t, and my stomach looked like I was 4-5 months pregnant in it. My stomach was round and hard, just like a pregnancy belly would have been. I was dumbfounded. What was happening to my body? Then, a short time later, I was wearing one of my favorite pairs of jeans and the button just popped off. I should have known because I barely got them on in the first place. That’s when I called the doctor. I ordered a full blood panel and asked about what could be causing these symptoms. Again, my mind went to the medication I took daily for three years to prevent my breast cancer from returning. Known for its many side effects, one of them being endometrial cancer and uterine cancer (which also includes unusual vaginal bleeding and pelvic pain and pressure). Knowing this, that’s why I was worried. With my history of being a two-time breast cancer survivor, I was hyper-aware of these potential side effects from the medication, even though somewhat rare, So when I started having these symptoms, my mind immediately thought I could potentially have cancer somewhere in my reproductive system. Mind you, I also had just had my first abnormal pap smear, with a slight indication of HPV, although my next exam was clear, so I’m not sure if it was a false positive or not. All of this was swirling around in my head and I was worried. I tried not to be, but in my case, understandable. However, when I went to my doctor with my concerns, he didn’t seem worried, and said my symptoms were probably just due to my age and perimenopause. I felt a little blown off, honestly, a little medical gaslighting if you will.
That being said, I asked my doctor to order me an ultrasound, just to be safe, and rule out anything medical first, before I chalked it up to just perimenopause. He said “I was very proactive with my healthcare” but not in an admiring way, more in a “my patient is anxious and maybe even a little bit of a hypochondriac” way. I sat on that ultrasound order for a few months. I don’t know why, maybe I was in denial that I actually needed it or convinced myself that nothing was actually wrong. I told myself it was probably just perimenopause so I started a fitness journey to walk more, eat more protein, and lift weights. I was weighing myself everyday, something I had never done before, and it was so stressful and overwhelming. My weight and body weren’t changing much and it felt so defeating. And honestly, the more heavy weights and sit ups I did, it felt like I was making my symptoms worse, not better.
I hit my breaking point in late summer when I had the worst period of my life. It came just two weeks after my scheduled period and I wasn’t expecting it. I mean, who gets two periods within two weeks of one another? We were out of town and we had just checked into the hotel. I was completely unprepared and was so uncomfortable I barely left the room. My stomach was huge and hard and I could barely leave the bed. To top it off, I hadn’t had a bowel movement in days, when I am normally extremely regular. And I could barely go an hour without a new super tampon. What was wrong with me?
That Monday, after returning home from our trip, I called the ultrasound imaging center and made an appointment. I didn’t know what was happening and was hopeful it was just perimenopause but was also praying it wasn’t cancer. Honestly I never thought of anything in between and never in a million years what it ended up being or the diagnosis that would come next.
The Diagnosis
I received the results back via email before my doctor called me a couple of days later. I saw the words “large 6cm fibroid uterine mass” and my jaw dropped to the floor. I immediately googled it and everything started clicking into place. A 6cm uterine fibroid is basically equivalent to the size of a 15 week fetus in the womb, approximately 4 months pregnant, so the size of my stomach tracked. It wasn’t just bloating or perimenopause, I legitimately had a large fibroid taking up most of my uterus. I honestly felt relieved it wasn’t something worse and also validated that I wasn’t having phantom symptoms that didn’t result in anything substantial. But the bloating, heavy periods, constipation, etc were all common symptoms of having a fibroid, so it all started making sense. But I still didn’t know what it all meant until I talked to my doctor.
When my doctor finally called me I was in my car driving home from picking up the kids from school. In my vehicle, a call automatically goes to speaker for safe hands-free driving, so me and my kids heard his diagnosis and recommendations at the same time. I typically would never have done that, but I also didn’t want to miss his call – since it can be difficult to get a hold of him otherwise. I never in a million years thought I would ever hear him say I needed a hysterectomy. I honestly thought they would just laparoscopically remove just the fibroid and life would move on. Why did I need to take it all out? I questioned it over and over and finally moved on for a second opinion.
The Second Opinion
I first called my breast oncologist to see his perspective and thoughts, especially in regards to keeping or removing my ovaries. He agreed with the recommendation of having a hysterectomy because of the size and placement of the fibroid. I was devastated, but there was still a question on whether or not I should keep or remove my ovaries. Could I go on hormone replacement therapy? Would I prematurely go into menopause? Fortunately, I had options. He did tell me that if I decided to remove my ovaries that he would have me start a safe bio-identical hormone patch, even despite my breast cancer history. He then highly recommended a local surgeon that could do the surgery robotically, my best option since it’s less invasive and provides a better and easier recovery. I think I made my appointment with her office later that day, however, I couldn’t get on her schedule for about a month. It was time for a third opinion.
A month later, it finally came time to meet with this new reproductive surgeon.
My Surgeon
I don’t think I have ever respected and loved another doctor as much as this woman. She not only came highly recommended from my oncologist, but when the nurse took me back to my room to meet her, she just raved about how wonderful she is and how every one of her patients love her. As soon as she walked in the room I knew why. I could immediately tell how intelligent and experienced she was and she also had a very calm and friendly, compassionate, non-anxious disposition. She never made me feel rushed when I asked her a million questions and never made me feel bad about how anxious I was about the entire situation. She was very empathetic and also very confident in her work. She disclosed she has done about 4000 successful robotic hysterectomies (I had no idea how common it was to have one) and went over every detail with me that I could think of at the time. Later that afternoon, I scheduled my surgery.
Since it was already late fall and I had the holidays quickly approaching as well as both kids’ birthdays and my husband’s birthday, I decided to wait until after Christmas to get my surgery done. I wanted to plan it around December 27th-January 5 since that’s when the kids were off school and commuting wouldn’t be an issue, but my doctor wasn’t available until January 7th. I knew I had a short window to get it done to recover and heal in time before all of my upcoming travel, conferences, speaking engagements, and book launch/tour were to begin. Timing in life is tricky sometimes but health and family first, right? Unfortunately, my book, that I have been working on for over the last 5 years and is finally being released in just a few short months, had to go a little on the back burner again. I’m sure it will affect book sales and whatnot, but my health is more important than being on a best seller list (although that would be a dream come true).
The Wave of Grief
After that appointment, I felt at peace with having the surgery, and felt very confident with her being my surgeon. We went over every option, since there was no immediate rush, but landed on getting the surgery in early January instead of waiting until the summer, after the book tour/release, mostly because my symptoms were affecting my daily quality of life. But as soon as I got in the car to head home, I just balled my eyes out. I’m not just talking a few tears, but a complete and utterly deep cry, so much so that I had to pull over for a moment because I was afraid I would get into a car accident type of cry. I felt so broken and I felt so old. And I felt this huge wave of grief for my body. I felt so heartbroken that I would no longer have anything in my body that ultimately made me feel like a woman or a mom. My ovaries gave life and my uterus carried both of my children until their birth. Unfortunately because of my age, despite my period showing up regularly every month, I was done having children, so I technically didn’t need my reproductive system anymore, but the thought of losing it, hit me to the core. My kids would joke that it was their home and I was devastated at the finality of it all.
I hung on to this sadness for weeks. During this time, I recorded two podcast episodes on the same day, with two reproductive experts, one episode on fertility and the other on hysterectomies. And I recall talking to them about what I was going through and I will never forget hearing “your reproductive system doesn’t define who you are as a woman or a mom” and it was like permission to forgive my body and let go of the pain I was holding onto because of what my body was doing inside of me that I had no control over. It rang so true to me.
During the weeks leading up to my surgery, I had a lot of fear, anxiety, and worry about it all. I worried about complications and what recovery would look like. I was also in a bit of denial and kept questioning if I really needed the surgery at all. Simultaneously, I also started feeling so much more peace about it all. I was constantly debating on whether or not to keep or remove my ovaries. I eventually came to a conclusion and felt ok about my decision until the morning before my surgery. I didn’t sleep well that night before and woke up completely panicked. I had spoken to three trusted doctors, did my own endless research, and thought about it for hours and hours. I talked about it with my husband and as many friends that would listen and lend advice. I even posted about it on social media to see if anyone had any life changing advice that would sway my decision either way. At that moment, it was a 50/50 decision, that either way, would be been fine. Every woman’s body is different and every woman’s health situation is different. There are so many factors to consider in this decision. For me, it wasn’t the right choice or the wrong choice. I think that is what made it difficult. It wasn’t black or white for me.
The Surgery
Then it was the morning of my surgery. And when I walked into the hospital, I still had not made a final decision on whether or not to keep my ovaries or remove them. But then my surgeon walked into my pre op room and had a heart to heart with me. Well, more like an educated medical conversation.
I ultimately decided to take them out, and here’s why. If I was younger and didn’t have a history of breast cancer, both my surgeon and oncologist said they would have encouraged me to keep them, but mainly based on my age and breast cancer history, this was highly recommended to do…and I feel good about it. They said this way I don’t need to worry about ovarian cancer and the bio-identical hormone patch actually reduces my breast cancer risk more than if I kept my natural hormones, so that was a main benefit, and what ultimately sold me on this choice. Removing them will hopefully help all of the issues I’ve had with perimenopause symptoms and make my quality of life even better. And truth be told, I have now been taking the bio-identical hormone patch for a week now and my energy and mood have both been better and more balanced.
I am completely at peace with my decision and have no regrets. I am officially in menopause (yay) but this patch mimics natural hormones and it is more controlled than my natural ones so better for me since the ones I had were so irregular and problematic. Although, my last period blessed me one more time a week before my surgery, like a little farewell gift.
Although I wasn’t so worried as much about my hormones if I decided to take my ovaries out. Menopause was around the corner anyway and my natural hormones did more damage than good over the span of my lifetime, mostly in regard to mood swings. I would have done some sort of hormone therapy earlier in my life if I could have, but I didn’t qualify due to my breast cancer history, and no doctor would ever approve of them, until research changed and it was proven to be safer. Hormones aside, I was more worried about other menopause symptoms like bone density and loss leading to osteoporosis as well as my cardiovascular health, especially if I started menopause prematurely. But this patch will help these concerns. I was also scared I would shock my body into hitting menopause quickly and hard, but luckily I started the patch within 24 hours of my surgery and felt no side effects. And as soon as I am healed, I am going on a very healthy nutritional and fitness journey with a focus on whole foods and protein intake, tons of water, walking regularly, and weight/strength training. These lifestyle choices and changes will help tremendously.
The Recovery Plot Twist
My surgery went very smoothly as planned and I was in and out of the hospital in about 5-6 hours. Surgery was one hour and recovery was one hour. And I only have 4 small incisions that are healing nicely. I am also glad my surgeon took photos of my uterus, ovaries, and other organs for me for memory sake. And now, I am officially one week post op and I am feeling almost back to normal. I am still moving slowly and am trying not to strain my body by any quick movements or lifting anything heavy. I only took some Advil and Tylenol the first couple of days. I wasn’t in pain, just some soreness and pressure. I’ve been walking more and more each day and started driving on the fifth day, and have been doing most things on my own now. I mostly just feel some abdominal pressure now, but each day is getting better and easier.
However, PLOT TWIST! My surgeon just called me with my final pathology report and told me that in addition to the large uterine fibroid, I ALSO had moderate adenomyosis – unknown before surgery by anyone – which is basically endometrial tissue in the uterine muscle that can start in your 40’s that causes heavy bleeding, severe cramps, and pelvic pain, and severe bloating often leading to an enlarged uterus and enlarged abdomen area. WHAT?! My mouth dropped when she told me this and answered so many questions to my ongoing symptoms. NO WONDER I was suffering from all of these symptoms! Furthermore, because I had adenomyosis, my uterus was huge! A typical uterus is around 60 grams – and mine was over 300 grams!!!! That is 5x a normal uterus. It makes sense that I looked and felt 4-5 months pregnant all of the time.
The Gratitude
I am so grateful for my friend who set up a 10-day meal train for me and my family and my friends who have gone out of their way to make and deliver us home-cooked meals for dinner night after night this past week and a half. I am also grateful for the friends who have sent us hot Door Dash dinners and gift cards for dinners after the meal train ends. I am grateful for my friends who have picked my kids up and drove them home from school, who have grocery shopped for me. and those who have sent me flowers and get well gifts. I am also grateful for all of the daily check-ins, texts, and DM’s, and emotional support and encouragement from friends near and far.
I am so glad I shared my health journey with the world. I hope my story can help others in some way. I have met so many other women (mostly on social media) that have had or are going to soon have a hysterectomy. I even met another woman who had a hysterectomy that same day I did. All of these stories have helped me so much throughout this process. I had no idea how common, unfortunately, fibroids or hysterectomies are, but I am grateful to not feel alone and have so many others to share similar experiences with, learn from, and have support. And now I can also support others who are still awaiting their surgery.
If you are struggling with any of this, and what I wrote resonates with you, please comment below, email me, or send me a message on Instagram.
Life is rarely lived alone, and no one should feel alone on this journey, so please reach out with any questions or if you just want to talk with someone who has lived it and understands it.
Thank you ALL for your kind, thoughtful, encouraging, and supportive messages. I appreciate every single note, prayer, thought, and check in. I have never felt more loved and supported in my life than I did this past week. It truly means the world.
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