From Hurt to Healing: A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Childhood Trauma

Has your child ever experienced something stressful or even traumatic? Obviously there is a spectrum here and depending on a child’s personality, age, developmental level, and temperament, stress can be perceived and experienced differently. But I think we can all agree that there are some things in life that are universally stressful and or traumatizing. Things like parents going through a separation or divorce, the death of a pet or family member, a life changing car accident, a serious injury or illness, or even something they see on the news like a school shooting or a deadly natural disaster, these are all common stressful and or even traumatic life events. 

 

Stress and trauma can manifest in different ways depending on the child, but I’d like to discuss some symptoms your child may experience if they are face to face with one of these events. Sometimes emotional, mental, and behavioral symptoms will go away on their own, and sometimes, your child may need the support from a professional licensed therapist. If your child needs support, please visit PsychologyToday.com and find a therapist in your area. 

 

The best advice I have for parents in this situation is, stay calm and listen closely. If your anxiety becomes escalated, your child’s symptoms may worsen. And if you try to talk it out with them, they may shut down. Show empathy, provide validation, and provide supportable suggestions on how you can help. 

 

However, that being said, when your child shares an experience about themselves and or their personal perspective and you immediately interject with a “relatable” occurrence or a similar story, it doesn’t always normalize what they are encountering, and it can actually make them feel invalidated. Instead, just hold space and listen. This will help build trust and attachment with them.

 

As parents, it’s so hard to see our children upset or in pain. To soothe them, we try to normalize with them and share similar experiences to try and empathize and help them know we understand. But even though we could have a parallel experience, we have to remember that when we do this, it pivots the focus from them to you, and that can feel invalidating. Even though it may be similar experience, it’s not the same experience. And even if feels exactly the same, let them have their moment and just be there to hold space and listen. 

 

As parents we tend to be problem solvers and don’t give kids many choices, we just do. You can still show empathy by saying “that must be hard. I had a similar experience and know a bit how you might feel” and then leave it at that…then ask “do you want me to just listen or help you solve the problem?”

 

Recognizing Signs and Symptoms

 

After a stressful or traumatic event, you may see your child with the following symptoms. 

 

Acute Stress 

*Please note that Acute Stress symptoms start 0-28 days after the trauma occurs and lasts a few days or a few weeks, but less than a month. 

 

-Reoccurring thoughts and nightmares

-Flashbacks from the event/ruminating thoughts about the situation

-Hypervigilance and escalated anxiety

-Drop of the hat mood swings and outbursts

-Crying and sadness

-Anger, yelling, and irritability

-Blaming

-Difficulty eating and or sleeping

-Difficulty concentrating and struggling in school

-Withdrawing from family, peers, and activities

-Physiological symptoms like headaches and stomachaches

-Dissociation

 

Post Traumatic Stress 

*Please note that Post Traumatic Stress symptoms start one month after the trauma occurs and lasts months or even years. 

 

-Same symptoms as above

-Reliving the event in thought, talking, or in play

-Lack of positive emotions, hopelessness, depression

-Triggers when reminded about the event (could be a photo or a smell, etc)

-Real or imagined fear and fear responses (panic attacks)

-Isolation

 

How You Can Help and Offer Support 

 

Play It Out

 

Let me share a story of a preschooler who had a close to drowning experience. Soon after the traumatic event, the little girl started to recreate the event in her play. When she would take a bath, she would “pretend” that her doll was drowning in the water, just like she did. The first time this happened, the mother didn’t know what to think of it, so she just let it happen. The next time it happened, the mom encouraged her daughter to “give the doll a nap” and play with something else for the remainder of the bath. But then it happened again. And again. The mom started getting worried and demanding that the little girl stop drowning her doll, which ultimately caused a power struggle and a lot of tears. The mom was scared, and her daughter’s play was bringing up her own emotions about the event. That’s when I received a call. The mom was in a panic. She already felt her own trauma and excessive guilt from the drowning, as she blamed herself for what happened to her daughter and her near-death experience. She called me crying not sure what to think of her daughter’s actions and what to do.

 

I explained to her that her daughter’s play was very therapeutic and even necessary for her to overcome her trauma. I validated her experience and told her that it was a very natural and common response for her daughter to reenact these types of events. In fact, it was a healthy type of release, rather than one that would stall her healing and recovery. I focused on shifting this mom’s perspective regarding play and how it was actually helping her daughter, not making her worse. The panic, the guilt, and the anxiety were more about the mom’s experience rather than her daughter’s. As parents, we don’t ever want to see our children in pain. Our job is to protect them, and when they are hurt or scared, we tend to panic and want to do whatever it takes to make their suffering go away. But in this case, and in many cases that you will read throughout the book, helping support our children and working through their behaviors, emotions, and experiences, instead of putting a bandage on it to make it go away, will help them the most in the long term. And play will have a lot to do with it.

 

Session after session, I normalized what was happening, and encouraged the mom to allow her daughter to reenact the traumatic event as long as she needed to because the daughter was using play to conceptualize what happened to her. Her daughter was working through the experience and working out her trauma. Her play was how she was making sense of her world and what happened. The mom ended up taking my advice and continued to allow her child to use play to heal from her drowning experience. After a few months of intermittent play with her doll drowning in the bath, the little girl stopped. She started playing with other bath toys and stopped bringing her doll to the bath with her altogether. And after a little more time, the little girl said she wanted to take swim lessons and started swimming again. The little girl was able to change her own narrative and create a new experience around water. It wasn’t an easy road, parenting never is, and the little girl would have flashback and triggers from time to time, but the mom continued to support her daughter through play each time she had a reoccurrence of thoughts and behaviors.

 

Externalize on Paper

 

Let them color their emotion or experience on paper. Have them give their event/stress/trauma a name. This way, if they are feeling overwhelmed, uncomfortable, or any other emotional or behavioral symptoms coming on, they can say their code word and you’ll know how to respond. Next, have them color what this word/emotion feels like on paper. What does it look like? What colors is it? What shape is it in? This will help externalize their feelings from inside their body to outside of their body. It also helps them feel more in control it all. Maybe it’s a scribble or a detailed depiction of not only their emotion monster, but also the event itself. Maybe it’s a photo of their parents arguing or moving into a new home. Maybe it’s a picture of the person they saw robbing the store. Maybe it’s a person with a gun at their school. Or maybe it’s the wildfire that burned down the neighborhood. 

 

Journal it Out

 

Let them journal. This means the good and the gritty. This means it might be painful for you if you read what they are really feeling. So without shame or judgement (or panic) read with calmness and caution. Look for life altering words, hopelessness, and suicidal ideation. Look for glimmers of hope, gratitude, and silver linings. And then open the lines of communication and discuss what they wrote with them. If they don’t want to “talk”, exchange notes to each other in a notebook until they are ready for a face to face conversation. 

 

Get the Anger Out

 

Let them get their anger out. Get a bop bag or a pillow that they can hit, kick, throw, or scream into when they think of the event. 

 

Use a Trauma Box

 

Let them fill a trauma box/jar. Go buy a box or jar for them to fill with memories of the event. The jar/box contains all of the stress, so it’s externalized and not something tangible on their person anymore. This helps them contain the trauma and also let it go. 

 

Give Grace

 

Give them grace. And give them time. They will be resilient and learn to cope, heal, and recover. 

 

 

If you have any specific questions, concerns, or other suggestions of what’s worked with your child to overcome stress and trauma, please reach out!