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From Hurt to Healing: A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Childhood Trauma

Has your child ever experienced something stressful or even traumatic? Obviously there is a spectrum here and depending on a child’s personality, age, developmental level, and temperament, stress can be perceived and experienced differently. But I think we can all agree that there are some things in life that are universally stressful and or traumatizing. Things like parents going through a separation or divorce, the death of a pet or family member, a life changing car accident, a serious injury or illness, or even something they see on the news like a school shooting or a deadly natural disaster, these are all common stressful and or even traumatic life events. 

 

Stress and trauma can manifest in different ways depending on the child, but I’d like to discuss some symptoms your child may experience if they are face to face with one of these events. Sometimes emotional, mental, and behavioral symptoms will go away on their own, and sometimes, your child may need the support from a professional licensed therapist. If your child needs support, please visit PsychologyToday.com and find a therapist in your area. 

 

The best advice I have for parents in this situation is, stay calm and listen closely. If your anxiety becomes escalated, your child’s symptoms may worsen. And if you try to talk it out with them, they may shut down. Show empathy, provide validation, and provide supportable suggestions on how you can help. 

 

However, that being said, when your child shares an experience about themselves and or their personal perspective and you immediately interject with a “relatable” occurrence or a similar story, it doesn’t always normalize what they are encountering, and it can actually make them feel invalidated. Instead, just hold space and listen. This will help build trust and attachment with them.

 

As parents, it’s so hard to see our children upset or in pain. To soothe them, we try to normalize with them and share similar experiences to try and empathize and help them know we understand. But even though we could have a parallel experience, we have to remember that when we do this, it pivots the focus from them to you, and that can feel invalidating. Even though it may be similar experience, it’s not the same experience. And even if feels exactly the same, let them have their moment and just be there to hold space and listen. 

 

As parents we tend to be problem solvers and don’t give kids many choices, we just do. You can still show empathy by saying “that must be hard. I had a similar experience and know a bit how you might feel” and then leave it at that…then ask “do you want me to just listen or help you solve the problem?”

 

Recognizing Signs and Symptoms

 

After a stressful or traumatic event, you may see your child with the following symptoms. 

 

Acute Stress 

*Please note that Acute Stress symptoms start 0-28 days after the trauma occurs and lasts a few days or a few weeks, but less than a month. 

 

-Reoccurring thoughts and nightmares

-Flashbacks from the event/ruminating thoughts about the situation

-Hypervigilance and escalated anxiety

-Drop of the hat mood swings and outbursts

-Crying and sadness

-Anger, yelling, and irritability

-Blaming

-Difficulty eating and or sleeping

-Difficulty concentrating and struggling in school

-Withdrawing from family, peers, and activities

-Physiological symptoms like headaches and stomachaches

-Dissociation

 

Post Traumatic Stress 

*Please note that Post Traumatic Stress symptoms start one month after the trauma occurs and lasts months or even years. 

 

-Same symptoms as above

-Reliving the event in thought, talking, or in play

-Lack of positive emotions, hopelessness, depression

-Triggers when reminded about the event (could be a photo or a smell, etc)

-Real or imagined fear and fear responses (panic attacks)

-Isolation

 

How You Can Help and Offer Support 

 

Play It Out

 

Let me share a story of a preschooler who had a close to drowning experience. Soon after the traumatic event, the little girl started to recreate the event in her play. When she would take a bath, she would “pretend” that her doll was drowning in the water, just like she did. The first time this happened, the mother didn’t know what to think of it, so she just let it happen. The next time it happened, the mom encouraged her daughter to “give the doll a nap” and play with something else for the remainder of the bath. But then it happened again. And again. The mom started getting worried and demanding that the little girl stop drowning her doll, which ultimately caused a power struggle and a lot of tears. The mom was scared, and her daughter’s play was bringing up her own emotions about the event. That’s when I received a call. The mom was in a panic. She already felt her own trauma and excessive guilt from the drowning, as she blamed herself for what happened to her daughter and her near-death experience. She called me crying not sure what to think of her daughter’s actions and what to do.

 

I explained to her that her daughter’s play was very therapeutic and even necessary for her to overcome her trauma. I validated her experience and told her that it was a very natural and common response for her daughter to reenact these types of events. In fact, it was a healthy type of release, rather than one that would stall her healing and recovery. I focused on shifting this mom’s perspective regarding play and how it was actually helping her daughter, not making her worse. The panic, the guilt, and the anxiety were more about the mom’s experience rather than her daughter’s. As parents, we don’t ever want to see our children in pain. Our job is to protect them, and when they are hurt or scared, we tend to panic and want to do whatever it takes to make their suffering go away. But in this case, and in many cases that you will read throughout the book, helping support our children and working through their behaviors, emotions, and experiences, instead of putting a bandage on it to make it go away, will help them the most in the long term. And play will have a lot to do with it.

 

Session after session, I normalized what was happening, and encouraged the mom to allow her daughter to reenact the traumatic event as long as she needed to because the daughter was using play to conceptualize what happened to her. Her daughter was working through the experience and working out her trauma. Her play was how she was making sense of her world and what happened. The mom ended up taking my advice and continued to allow her child to use play to heal from her drowning experience. After a few months of intermittent play with her doll drowning in the bath, the little girl stopped. She started playing with other bath toys and stopped bringing her doll to the bath with her altogether. And after a little more time, the little girl said she wanted to take swim lessons and started swimming again. The little girl was able to change her own narrative and create a new experience around water. It wasn’t an easy road, parenting never is, and the little girl would have flashback and triggers from time to time, but the mom continued to support her daughter through play each time she had a reoccurrence of thoughts and behaviors.

 

Externalize on Paper

 

Let them color their emotion or experience on paper. Have them give their event/stress/trauma a name. This way, if they are feeling overwhelmed, uncomfortable, or any other emotional or behavioral symptoms coming on, they can say their code word and you’ll know how to respond. Next, have them color what this word/emotion feels like on paper. What does it look like? What colors is it? What shape is it in? This will help externalize their feelings from inside their body to outside of their body. It also helps them feel more in control it all. Maybe it’s a scribble or a detailed depiction of not only their emotion monster, but also the event itself. Maybe it’s a photo of their parents arguing or moving into a new home. Maybe it’s a picture of the person they saw robbing the store. Maybe it’s a person with a gun at their school. Or maybe it’s the wildfire that burned down the neighborhood. 

 

Journal it Out

 

Let them journal. This means the good and the gritty. This means it might be painful for you if you read what they are really feeling. So without shame or judgement (or panic) read with calmness and caution. Look for life altering words, hopelessness, and suicidal ideation. Look for glimmers of hope, gratitude, and silver linings. And then open the lines of communication and discuss what they wrote with them. If they don’t want to “talk”, exchange notes to each other in a notebook until they are ready for a face to face conversation. 

 

Get the Anger Out

 

Let them get their anger out. Get a bop bag or a pillow that they can hit, kick, throw, or scream into when they think of the event. 

 

Use a Trauma Box

 

Let them fill a trauma box/jar. Go buy a box or jar for them to fill with memories of the event. The jar/box contains all of the stress, so it’s externalized and not something tangible on their person anymore. This helps them contain the trauma and also let it go. 

 

Give Grace

 

Give them grace. And give them time. They will be resilient and learn to cope, heal, and recover. 

 

 

If you have any specific questions, concerns, or other suggestions of what’s worked with your child to overcome stress and trauma, please reach out! 

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Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children.

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TODAY.com Parenting Team Parenting Contributor

About Dr. Kim

Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children. Read More…

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🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had t 🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had today! 🇺🇸

As soon as we woke up I started educating my children, specifically my daughter, on what the inauguration meant and why today was such a special day in history. We both were glued to the television as we watched @kamalaharris be sworn in as the first Black South Asian woman Vice President and @joebiden be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. We also were powerfully moved hearing @amandascgorman - the youngest inaugural poet in history recite “The Hill We Climb.” 

My daughter was so excited to participate and recite the Pledge of Allegiance with the rest of the county and she was so proud to see and be a part of history in the making. I haven’t been to Washington D.C. in about 8 years but I promised I would take her one day when the pandemic is over. 

In the meantime, I have a fun fact for you! Did you know that President Joe Biden and I both graduated from the same university? Yep! We both went to @syracuseu 🍊 And in fact, @joebiden is the first @syracuseu alumnus to become President of the United States! 

📸: @chrissywphoto #inauguration #inagurationday #inaguration2021 #joebiden #kamalaharris #presidentbiden #syracuseuniversity #syracuse #syracuseu #historyismade #madamvicepresident #mommyandme #46thpresident #sandiego #sandiegoblogger #momblogger #parentingblogger #motherhood
This time of year is notorious for dry air, allerg This time of year is notorious for dry air, allergies, and sinus trouble. #ad 

And since I work from home, it can get quite noisy and distracting with my husband and two children here, so sometimes I get my best work done in the comfort of my own bed. And the best part is that I can have my new @crane_usa “4 in 1” cool mist humidifier on at all times with essential oils to help with overall wellness and since it comes with a sound machine I can block out the other noises in the house! 

And at night, it helps my sinuses as I sleep, especially when the dry air of the heater is on, and it has a nightlight so my kids can see where they are going in the middle of the night when they inevitably need water or a hug! 

This is our 6th #cranehumidifier style and it’s my favorite one yet! Check out my stories for a closer look! 👀 #happyhealthyhumidity 

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{New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude {New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude” 🌱✨🌸

Throwing it back to one of the first mommy and me photos I ever posted on my feed because I’ve been teaching my daughter about gratitude since she was this little, possibly even younger (she is two here for reference)! 

Gratitude is such an important virtue and must have trait to build a child’s character. It also shows therapeutic benefits when you show gratitude to others, so why wouldn’t you want to make it a priority to teach and instill in your children? 

In this blog, I have suggestions for how to teach children gratitude broken down by ages and stages from infancy to teenage years, while also including some conversation prompts, and links to my favorite gratitude journals for busy families that we use here at home! 

Find the direct link to read in my bio and stories! I also published similar articles on @todayparents and @redtricycle if you follow me there! #drkimblog
DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️ I am DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I am that mom who wants to do it all and when I get overwhelmed or start suffering from a major case of burnout, I feel guilty if I take a break instead of giving my body and mind permission to slow down or even stop. 

As moms we often feel guilty if we take a break or believe we are perceived as weak if we ask for help. I have learned that the more I ask for help and the more time I take for myself, the better I am for my children. 

Guilt is an emotional response to something you perceived you did wrong, but when you experience unnecessary guilt, it’s counterproductive to healing and helping you with what you need most. So give it a try and let me know how you are going to take a break and not feel guilty about it this week below in the comments! ⤵️ #drkimparentingtips #theparentologist #drkimparentingadvice
DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when yo DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when you were little - and still do! 🙋🏼‍♀️🐱#ad

I am so excited to have all of these new items from the @erincondren Hello Kitty collection that launched today to keep work fun, playful, and reminiscent of childhood - something all adults need a little more of, am I right? 

The collection is all about organization, kindness, and friendship. My favorite piece of the collection is the “Daily Kindness and Joy Journal” that boldly says BE KIND, BE NICE, REPEAT on the front cover but I am also pretty obsessed with the Hello Kitty x Erin Condren Pencil Case and Vegan Leather Padfolio! 

Swipe to see my business attire on top and activewear on the bottom work style! 😉 And head to my stories to see it all up close and for your convenience I have everything linked for you http://liketk.it/35XZC and make sure to follow me at THEPARENTOLOGIST @liketoknow.it  for more of my favorites!!! #liketkit #erincondren
{New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and {New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and Role Play Ideas for Children with Autism” 🧩 🧸 🚂 ⚽️ 
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For the last 3 years I have spent my career therapeutically helping families and children of all ages on the Autism Spectrum. Play has been a fundamental way for many of my clients to communicate if they are non-verbal. And some of my clients have had to be taught how to play with a toy or another person. The play ideas listed on the blog can be used with children with or without special needs. Play is a universal way a child can explore their world in a way that makes sense to them and cultivate imagination, creativity, and fun! As a Registered Play Therapist, I love the work I do and couldn’t be prouder of the progress my clients have made with play over the years! #drkimblog
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{New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control {New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control of Your Eczema” #ad 
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These winter months have been so dry and my eczema has been flaring up. Can anyone relate? For decades I have used a variety of treatment options from over-the-counter ointments and lotions to doctor prescribed steroid medication. In today’s blog, I am partnering with @mediqcme to share more of my story and struggles with atopic dermatitis as well as some new treatment options! If you or a loved one suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis it’s a must read! 
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Plus there is a survey at the end of the blog you can fill out and opt in to be entered to win 1 of 10 VISA gift cards! 🙌🏻 Link in bio and in stories! #itchyskinhelp #drkimblog
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{New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get {New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want” 
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As a Registered Play Therapist, play is the foundation to the way I help children conceptualize and conquer the world. Play is second nature to children and the way they respond to many of life’s obstacles. Sometimes as parents, it is easy to get into a power match with your children, especially when you want your children to comply with a request and they won’t budge. When this happens, we need to change the way our adult mind thinks and switch it to the way a child thinks. Instead of giving them a punitive consequence, try these play recommendations that can be used with children as young as toddlerhood all the way to adolescents! #drkimblog 
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#playtherapy #playtherapist #therapistsofinstagram #playoutsidethebox #learningthruplay #playbasedlearning #learningthroughplay #learningisfun #parenting #parentingtips #parenting101 #parentingteens #parentingtweens #parentingtoddlers #parentingadvice #parentingexpert #parentingblogger #parentingblog #newblogpost #ontheblog #momswhoblog #parenthood #toddlerproblems #toddlermom #behaviortherapist #behaviortherapy #positiveparentingsolutions #positiveparentingtips #positiveparenting
{New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effect {New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effectively in 2021” ✨ 
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It’s is usually around this time that I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish for the year. And whether you believe in making resolutions, affirmations, or goals, it is time to be proactive!! On the blog, I outlined an organizational system I use year after year to help me accomplish my goals. And I hope they work for you!! 
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What are some of your goals you want to accomplish this year? 
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#2021 #2021goals #goals #goalsetting #goalgetter #goalsettingtips #goalsetter #goalsetting2021 #goalcrusher #momhustle #snowday #snowman #newgoals #newgoals2021 #mommyandme #letthembelittle #letthembekids #letthemplay #playoutside #playoutdoors #playoutsidethebox #familyday #familyfun #familysnowday
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