The Parentologist

Dr. Kim

Change Your Language and Your Child’s Behavior in 4 Steps!

Have you ever noticed the moment you say NO, DON’T or STOP your children automatically become defensive and possibly more defiant? Even as adults, when we hear we can’t or aren’t allowed to do something, it can trigger feelings of anger and rejection and we might want to act out more. What if I told you that you could avoid power struggles and enhance positive behavior in your children just by changing your language and tone of voice? And that it will only take four steps?

 

Think about how you feel in quarantine. Besides the health threat, isn’t there a small part of you that wants to go out in public where it’s prohibited just because you are told you can’t? Please don’t tell me I’m the only rebellious one! Overall I am a rule follower and want to please others and be a good role model for my children, so I don’t. But think about how a less mature, impulsive child may feel and behave in this situation. Or possibly consider that they simply just don’t understand the magnitude or consequence to their behavior. You are an educated and mature adult who cognitively can control your actions and emotions better than a child, so just imagine how your child feels when you tell them they are denied access to something they want! More than likely, if it’s said in the wrong way or in the wrong tone, they will become more eager to find a way to defy you! Part of this is human nature and a natural behavioral response. Children will become defensive and more so than not, any type of prohibition encourages rebellious behavior. But you have the power to change this!

 

Therefore, I’m giving my professional tips to help you avoid unnecessary power struggles with your children by offering alternative phrases and solutions to the way language is used and interpreted by children. If you want more compliant children, a peaceful home, more positively behaved children, and a newfound calmness when denying your child access to something they want, this blog is a must read for you!!

 

So what is a parent to do? You can say NO until you are blue in the face and become more and more frustrated and agitated, or you can practice changing your language and the tone you say it in, to ultimately see a positive behavior change in your child. Trust me, as a parent of two, and a therapist of many who come seek treatment for oppositional and behavior challenges, I have seen non compliance in all ages and know it’s easier said than done. Parents are human beings and are far from perfect. We all have bad days and all have regretted the way we have said something to our children out of anger and frustration. But trust me, with enough practice, this will become second nature, and feel more natural and comfortable and easier to do.

 

Where do you start? First, unless your child is in physical danger and you HAVE to use the words NO, DON’T or STOP to save them from hurting themselves, as soon as you see your child doing something wrong or you have to deny access to something they want, take two deep breaths. Try to regulate yourself and stay as calm as possible before redirecting your child or setting a limit with them. If your child yells out of frustration, I wouldn’t yell back. That just escalates the situation and will make your child react ever louder. And by yelling back, it just teaches your child that yelling is acceptable, and in this situation, not the direction you want to go in. Take a moment to teach them the way you want them to behave!

 

Secondly, in a firm, yet calm and respectful tone, redirect your child to focus on what you want them to do instead of focusing on what you don’t want them to do. Next, find a replacement behavior or choose different words to say to your child.

 

For example, if your child is doing something they aren’t supposed to do, use the A.C.T. Method for limit setting.

žAcknowledge – your child’s needs and wants
žCommunicate –  and set a limit
žTarget Alternative – actions and choices
›Example:
–A: I know you want to hit your sister – she hurt your feelings – that made you angry
–C: Your sister is not for hitting because you could hurt her
–T: You can hit this pillow or bop bag when you’re mad
–
›Example:
–A: I see you want to draw on the wall with a crayon
–C: The wall is not for drawing on because it could ruin the paint
–T: You can draw on the paper or this cardboard box with the crayon
›Example:
A: I see you are playing ball in the house
C: The ball is not for playing inside because it could break something or hurt someone
T: You can play with the ball outside

 

If you need to modify the language you use with your child, choose a replacement word for No, Don’t and Stop!

›Examples:
“Please Walk” or “Use Your Walking Feet” instead of “Don’t Run” or “Stop running”
“Use your quiet voice” instead of “Stop Yelling”
“Use your waiting muscles” or “practice your patience” instead of “Calm Down”
“Not Right Now” or “Maybe Later” or “Not Yet” instead of “No”
“That’s not safe” or “You can’t do that” or “That’s not ok” instead of “No” or “Don’t” or “Stop”
“Be gentle” or “use gentle hands” instead of “No” or “Don’t” or “Stop”
Thirdly, validate your child and let them know you understand how frustrated or upset they are and then give your child the “why” so they understand there is a reason to the limit or denial of access. For example, say, “You can’t run across the street because it isn’t safe and you could get hit by a car” or “I can’t give you a cookie now because it might upset your stomach and ruin your appetite for breakfast.”
Lastly, give your child a time frame for when they might be able to have a cookie or their iPad and say something like, “Let talk about this after lunch or nap” or “you can have that treat or iPad after you finish your homework or do your chores.” Use timeframes that they understand, especially if they don’t know how to tell time yet. If they are old enough, you can say, “you can have that at 8:00pm.” This will help the “No” or “Stop asking” or “Don’t do that” scenario.
And as an extra tip, on the flip side, when you see your child doing what they are supposed to do, PRAISE THEM! If they are using walking feet or an indoor voice or playing with something appropriately, let them know! The more you focus on the good, the more they will want to please you, and do more positive behavior!

I hope these tips help and will make a positive difference and change in your home!

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