Change Your Language and Your Child’s Behavior in 4 Steps!

Have you ever noticed the moment you say NO, DON’T or STOP your children automatically become defensive and possibly more defiant? Even as adults, when we hear we can’t or aren’t allowed to do something, it can trigger feelings of anger and rejection and we might want to act out more. What if I told you that you could avoid power struggles and enhance positive behavior in your children just by changing your language and tone of voice? And that it will only take four steps?

 

Think about how you feel in quarantine. Besides the health threat, isn’t there a small part of you that wants to go out in public where it’s prohibited just because you are told you can’t? Please don’t tell me I’m the only rebellious one! Overall I am a rule follower and want to please others and be a good role model for my children, so I don’t. But think about how a less mature, impulsive child may feel and behave in this situation. Or possibly consider that they simply just don’t understand the magnitude or consequence to their behavior. You are an educated and mature adult who cognitively can control your actions and emotions better than a child, so just imagine how your child feels when you tell them they are denied access to something they want! More than likely, if it’s said in the wrong way or in the wrong tone, they will become more eager to find a way to defy you! Part of this is human nature and a natural behavioral response. Children will become defensive and more so than not, any type of prohibition encourages rebellious behavior. But you have the power to change this!

 

 

Secondly, in a firm, yet calm and respectful tone, redirect your child to focus on what you want them to do instead of focusing on what you don’t want them to do. Next, find a replacement behavior or choose different words to say to your child.

 

For example, if your child is doing something they aren’t supposed to do, use the A.C.T. Method for limit setting.

žAcknowledge – your child’s needs and wants

žCommunicate –  and set a limit

žTarget Alternative – actions and choices

›Example:

A: I see you are playing ball in the house

C: The ball is not for playing inside because it could break something or hurt someone

T: You can play with the ball outside

›Examples:

“Please Walk” or “Use Your Walking Feet” instead of “Don’t Run” or “Stop running”

“Use your quiet voice” instead of “Stop Yelling”

“Use your waiting muscles” or “practice your patience” instead of “Calm Down”

“Not Right Now” or “Maybe Later” or “Not Yet” instead of “No”

“That’s not safe” or “You can’t do that” or “That’s not ok” instead of “No” or “Don’t” or “Stop”

“Be gentle” or “use gentle hands” instead of “No” or “Don’t” or “Stop”

Thirdly, validate your child and let them know you understand how frustrated or upset they are and then give your child the “why” so they understand there is a reason to the limit or denial of access. For example, say, “You can’t run across the street because it isn’t safe and you could get hit by a car” or “I can’t give you a cookie now because it might upset your stomach and ruin your appetite for breakfast.”

Lastly, give your child a time frame for when they might be able to have a cookie or their iPad and say something like, “Let talk about this after lunch or nap” or “you can have that treat or iPad after you finish your homework or do your chores.” Use timeframes that they understand, especially if they don’t know how to tell time yet. If they are old enough, you can say, “you can have that at 8:00pm.” This will help the “No” or “Stop asking” or “Don’t do that” scenario.

And as an extra tip, on the flip side, when you see your child doing what they are supposed to do, PRAISE THEM! If they are using walking feet or an indoor voice or playing with something appropriately, let them know! The more you focus on the good, the more they will want to please you, and do more positive behavior!

I hope these tips help and will make a positive difference and change in your home!