October is National Bullying Prevention Month and unfortunately it’s a relevant and prevalent topic in our culture among children, adolescents, and even adults. According to the American Justice Department, approximately 1 in 4 U.S. students say they have been bullied by the time they graduate high school and about 77% of students have admitted to being the victim of one type of bullying or another. In addition, 160,000 children within the United States stay home each day due to bullying situations and this needs to stop!
What is Bullying?
By definition, bullying is an “unwanted aggressive behavior that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and a repetition of behaviors or high likelihood of repetition.” This is important to know and distinguish from a child who says something mean one time to another child out of anger versus a child constantly being picked on and harassed everyday at school or in the neighborhood. It is important to teach children the difference since the word “bullying” can be thrown around a lot and should be used in the right context. So when a child comes home from school and tells you a story about being “bullied” make sure you ask some follow up questions to get the entire context. I also want to note here, that when a child comes to you, the adult, and expresses discomfort because someone was mean to them, take it seriously. Please try not to blow it off and invalidate their emotions. In some cases, it will be a small isolated incident, other times, you will need to take notes and track the behaviors your child is telling you so you can intervene with the teacher or principal when necessary. I am a firm believer in “parenting gut” and if if feels like your child is struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically, they probably are and need your support.
Different Types of Bullying
There are many different types of bullying including overt (direct to the person) and covert (gossip, spreading rumors behind someone’s back) bullying. And with social media being so prominent these days, there is also cyber-bullying. Bullying can involve making threats, attacking someone physically or verbally, Bullying can also be relational/social, cyber, and or damage to someone’s property. Traditionally, physical bullying happens more with males and relational/social bullying happens more with females. Statistically, while most bullying happens in middle school, I have seen it as young as preschool and as old as mid-life adulthood. In adulthood, it may happen in many forms including sexual harassment in the workplace.
Bully Participants
And a bully situation has three components: the bully, the victim, and the bystander. In one study, 30% say they have bullied someone else, but a whopping 70% say they have been a bystander to bullying. However, studies have shown that when bystanders intervene, bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time. But only about 25% of students who are bullied notify adults about the bullying.
When you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
However, it makes it really tricky when a child, whether it be the victim or the bystander, are afraid to tell an adult and are afraid of their peers thinking they are a “tattle tale.” Furthermore, in some cases, the bully will flip the script and go to an adult first and accuse the victim of being the bully when in actuality, it’s a lie.
Cyber-Bullying
When it comes to cyber-bullying, statistics have shown that approximately 42% of children admit to being bullied while online with 1 in 4 of them being verbally attacked more than once. In addition, about 35% of children have been threatened online and approximately 58% of children and adolescents have reported that something mean has been said about them or to them online. So parents, I know some will disagree and call this over parenting, but find the balance between your child’s privacy, autonomy, and independence, and keeping parenting controls on their devices and social media platforms. Think carefully about what you expose your children to online and what is the best age for them to have their own email, phone, social media accounts, etc. Have constant conversations with them about online safety and what they post and say online or even through a text message. Sometimes we think we can trust someone and say something in what we think is a private conversation only to have it forwarded to everyone in the school or posted in a public forum. Teach your children to only post something online or in an email or text that if everyone in the school saw, it would be kind and respectful to themselves and others. Many people have the courage to say something behind closed doors on a device that they would never say to someone’s face in person, which makes cyber-bullying so difficult to control, but it all starts with education, limits, and responsibility. And having check-in’s and conversations with your children!
What Parents Can Do About Bullying
Learn what bullying is and take it seriously. And talk about it! If a child comes to you and tells you they are being bullied listen to them, support them, and act. Being verbal that bullying isn’t acceptable sends a clear message to others to help with prevention. Educate your children on what bullying is and what they can do to put an end to it. Give your child coping skills on how to handle it on their own at school, empower them to talk with a school staff member that can help, advocate for your child by intervening when necessary, and helping to create a safe school and community environment. Most of all, teach your children to be kind and respectful. Kindness goes a long way. Teaching about bullying starts at home. Be kind and respectful to others and be a positive role model for your children. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Teach your child to stop and think before they say something that might hurt someone else.
What Kids Can Do About Bullying
I used to conduct school-wide assemblies in elementary schools as well as parenting workshops around bullying prevention. Something I used to teach was a 3-step system I learned from a colleague of mine years ago. If a child is being bullied, have them calmly yet firmly say the word STOP or put their hand up like a stop sign. If the bully doesn’t stop, walk away. Then talk to an adult about what happened. Children can also learn and be empowered to stand up for others. Teach your children to not just be a bystander, but to speak up! If they want to write an anonymous note and not have their name on it before handing it to a teacher, playground supervisor, or principal, that is fine! They don’t have to be a hero and have the spotlight on them. However, if there is a safe opportunity for them to say to a peer “hey, stop, that isn’t nice” then that might be a good way for them to help.
Bullying and Mental Health
There can be many negative outcomes on someone’s mental health due to bullying. These may include having anxiety, depression, substance abuse, poor school performance, poor social functioning, negative self image, low attendance, emotional distress, family conflict, exposure to violence, and even suicide. According to the CDC, “youth who report both bullying others and being bullied have the highest risk for suicide-related behavior of any groups.” According to statistics and research, being bullied is correlated with suicidal ideation, suicidal attempts, and death.
Bullying Prevention on The Parentologist Podcast
For more bullying prevention tips, please head to The Parentologist Podcast for the episode with Ahsoka Tano’s Ashley Eckstein who shares her personal story of being bullied in person as a child and then also cyber-bullied as an adult. Most known as the voice of Ahsoka Tano in Star Wars (Star Wars The Clone Wars, Star Wars Rebels, and Star Wars Rise of Skywalker) even Ahsoka herself gives some advice on the show!
We also talk about our passion for mental health and her work with On Our Sleeves as well as her fangirl fashion and lifestyle brand called Her Universe and her advice on how to follow your dreams taken directly from her book “It’s Your Universe: You Have the Power to Make It Happen.” And since we both have a deep passion for Disney Parks she also answers a few questions about her favorite park memory, ride, character, and more!
Resources
If you would like to learn more about bullying prevention, contact Simple Acts of Care and Kindness at 866-459-7225 or visit www.simpleacts.org for additional information.
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