October is National Bullying Prevention Month and today is National Stop Bullying Day so I was thrilled to be invited to FOX 5 San Diego to talk about this very important and relevant topic. Unfortunately bullying is a prevalent topic in our culture among children, adolescents, and even adults – primarily among moms. According to the American Justice Department, approximately 1 in 4 U.S. students say they have been bullied by the time they graduate high school and about 77% of students have admitted to being the victim of one type of bullying or another. About 19%-34% of U.S. teenagers (ages 12-17) experienced bullying in a given year, according to StopBullying.gov and the CDC. In addition, 160,000 children within the United States stay home each day due to bullying situations and this needs to stop. I was able to share a little LIVE on the air today, but I had a lot more I wanted to share, so I am expanding more on this blog.
WHAT IS BULLYING?
By definition, bullying is an “unwanted aggressive behavior that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and a repetition of behaviors or high likelihood of repetition.” This is important to know and distinguish from a child who says something mean one time to another child out of anger versus a child constantly being picked on and harassed everyday at school or in the neighborhood. It is important to teach children the difference since the word “bullying” can be thrown around a lot and should be used in the right context. So when a child comes home from school and tells you a story about being “bullied” make sure you LISTEN and ask some follow up questions to get the entire context. I also want to note here, that when a child comes to you, the adult, and expresses discomfort because someone was mean to them, take it seriously. Please try not to blow it off and invalidate their emotions. In some cases, it will be a small isolated incident, other times, you will need to take notes and track the behaviors your child is telling you so you can intervene with the teacher or principal when necessary. I am a firm believer in “parenting gut” and if if feels like your child is struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically, they probably are and need your support.
DIFFERENT TYPES OF BULLYING
There are many different types of bullying including overt (direct to the person) and covert (gossip, spreading rumors behind someone’s back) bullying. And with social media being so prominent these days, there is also cyber-bullying. Bullying can involve making threats, attacking someone physically or verbally, Bullying can also be relational/social, cyber, and or damage to someone’s property. Traditionally, physical bullying happens more with males and relational/social bullying happens more with females. Statistically, while most bullying happens in middle school, I have seen it as young as preschool and as old as mid-life adulthood. In adulthood, it may happen in many forms including sexual harassment in the workplace.
BULLY PARTICIPANTS
And a bully situation has three components: the bully, the victim, and the bystander. In one study, 30% say they have bullied someone else, but a whopping 70% say they have been a bystander to bullying. However, studies have shown that when bystanders intervene, bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time. But only about 25% of students who are bullied notify adults about the bullying.
When you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
However, it makes it really tricky when a child, whether it be the victim or the bystander, are afraid to tell an adult and are afraid of their peers thinking they are a “tattle tale.” Furthermore, in some cases, the bully will flip the script and go to an adult first and accuse the victim of being the bully when in actuality, it’s a lie.
CYBER-BULLYING
When it comes to cyber-bullying, statistics have shown that approximately 42% of children admit to being bullied while online with 1 in 4 of them being verbally attacked more than once. In addition, about 35% of children have been threatened online and approximately 58% of children and adolescents have reported that something mean has been said about them or to them online. So parents, I know some will disagree and call this over parenting, but find the balance between your child’s privacy, autonomy, and independence, and keeping parenting controls on their devices and social media platforms. Think carefully about what you expose your children to online and what is the best age for them to have their own email, phone, social media accounts, etc. Have constant conversations with them about online safety and what they post and say online or even through a text message. Sometimes we think we can trust someone and say something in what we think is a private conversation only to have it forwarded to everyone in the school or posted in a public forum. Teach your children to only post something online or in an email or text that if everyone in the school saw, it would be kind and respectful to themselves and others. Many people have the courage to say something behind closed doors on a device that they would never say to someone’s face in person, which makes cyber-bullying so difficult to control, but it all starts with education, limits, and responsibility. And having check-in’s and conversations with your children!
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO ABOUT BULLYING
Learn what bullying is and take it seriously. And talk about it! If a child comes to you and tells you they are being bullied listen to them, support them, and act. Being verbal that bullying isn’t acceptable sends a clear message to others to help with prevention. Educate your children on what bullying is and what they can do to put an end to it. Give your child coping skills on how to handle it on their own at school, empower them to talk with a school staff member that can help, advocate for your child by intervening when necessary, and helping to create a safe school and community environment. Most of all, teach your children to be kind and respectful. Kindness goes a long way. Teaching about bullying starts at home. Be kind and respectful to others and be a positive role model for your children. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Teach your child to stop and think before they say something that might hurt someone else.
WHAT KIDS CAN DO ABOUT BULLYING
I used to conduct school-wide assemblies in elementary schools as well as parenting workshops around bullying prevention. Something I used to teach was a 3-step system I learned from a colleague of mine years ago. If a child is being bullied, have them calmly yet firmly say the word STOP or put their hand up like a stop sign. If the bully doesn’t stop, walk away. Then talk to an adult about what happened. Children can also learn and be empowered to stand up for others. Teach your children to not just be a bystander, but to speak up! If they want to write an anonymous note and not have their name on it before handing it to a teacher, playground supervisor, or principal, that is fine! They don’t have to be a hero and have the spotlight on them. However, if there is a safe opportunity for them to say to a peer “hey, stop, that isn’t nice” then that might be a good way for them to help.
BULLYING AND MENTAL HEALTH
There can be many negative outcomes on someone’s mental health due to bullying. These may include having anxiety, depression, substance abuse, poor school performance, poor social functioning, negative self image, low attendance, emotional distress, family conflict, exposure to violence, and even suicide. According to the CDC, “youth who report both bullying others and being bullied have the highest risk for suicide-related behavior of any groups.” According to statistics and research, being bullied is correlated with suicidal ideation, suicidal attempts, and death.
WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED?
If your child is being bullied, you’ll often find them having major mood swings, physiological symptoms like stomach aches, headaches and avoiding school. They may fake an illness or call you and want to come home early from school to avoid lunchtime or PE or whenever they’re around the student that is bullying them. You might see anger outbursts, anxiety, and even some depressive symptoms as well.
HOW CAN WE TALK TO OUR KIDS ABOUT BEING BULLIED?
I believe it’s important to have a conversation with your children preemptively before school starts for the year to define bullying and give them examples of what bullying looks like. Sometimes children can be mean saying things to someone else, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it falls under the umbrella of bullying. Bullying has to be a chronic, repetitive behavior, not to say that any type of mean behavior is OK and shouldn’t be reported. Possibly parents can come up with a weekly or monthly check-in on how school is going, who they are sitting with at lunch, who they are playing outside on the playground with, or especially for the older children, making sure there is no cyber-bullying going on online or on social media. I believe if you start these conversations young, then it won’t be so awkward or off-putting to kids as they get older when they may not want to talk about it as much.
I think what’s more important than talking to our kids about being bullied is being a good listener. Really keeping those lines of communication open for your kids to come to you without judgment or solutions but just to hear them out and then role-playing various scenarios on how to handle the situation. Some children won’t admit they’re being bullied straight out so finding creative ways to talk to them about what is going on for them at school is important. Having a sit down heart to heart lecture type discussion with them may not be the best route as they might feel even more overwhelmed or ashamed and shut down. Talking in small doses should help alleviate some of that pressure.
HOW DAMAGING CAN BEING BULLIED BE TO OUR KIDS?
Depending on the severity of the bullying and how long the bullying goes on for, it can be quite damaging to their mental health. I have worked with some adults that are still traumatized by the bullying they experienced in elementary school, middle school, and high school. Some of the long term effects could be an increased amount of anxiety, depression, insecurity, low self-worth, and not be being able to trust others in friendships or relationships.
IF YOUR CHILD IS THE *BULLY* HOW CAN WE APPROACH THIS SITUATION?
This is a tough one because in my experience I have found that when a child is bullying or is aggressive towards another student the parent either becomes defensive or they are in denial. It is really difficult for parents to admit that their child would be harmful to another child and then actually set appropriate limits, boundaries, and consequences to go along with matching the behavior of their child displayed. If a child is being accused of bullying and is wrongfully accused, I can see how that would be problematic and extremely stressful, so I believe just making sure you have all sides of the story is helpful and just being an advocate for your child whether they are the bully or the victim to make sure that they are being seen and heard because there is often more sides of the story than we would like to admit sometimes.
HOW CAN WE TEACH OUR KIDS TO BE KIND TO EACH OTHER
I always tell parents to start with empathy. We need to teach our kids more empathy and what it feels like to be in someone else’s shoes and then when we say or do something hurtful towards someone else that we can take a step back and realize the ramifications of our behaviors, try to feel what the other person is feeling, and humbly apologize. The sooner we can start teaching our children empathy I do believe more kindness and less bullying like behaviors will occur.
I also believe that if we validate our child’s emotions, listen to them, help them feel seen and heard, and we are kind to them and avoid things like shaming, yelling, threatening, and punishing them, we will see a shift in more kindness in our society, in our homes, and in our schools.
If you think your child is being bullied, please seek assistance. If your child needs to talk to a therapist, don’t wait, please visit PsychologyToday.com to search for a therapist in your area.
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