During the fall months, there is a lot going on for many families. School is in full bloom and the holidays are around the corner. When our children are little, we are consumed with visiting pumpkin patches and picking out halloween costumes. And as our children become teenagers, they are consumed with Homecoming dances and Halloween parties. The time when we were only worried about how much sugar our children would consume on Halloween night are replaced with worrying about if they are going to drink too much alcohol at a Halloween party or get a ride home with a intoxicated peer after the Homecoming dance. And the way we communicate and connect with our children when they were younger is vastly different than when they are older. The same communication tactics we used once may not work now. But don’t worry, our words and opinions are still valuable and meaningful to them, and we can still connect with them in a similar way…just keep reading.
In April, I traveled to Washington D.C. for a parenting summit with Responsibility.Org to talk about how to support children and teenagers, especially when it comes to being safe and making safe choices. I am so proud to be a parent ambassador for Responsibility.Org and to support their mission to inspire a lifetime of conversations between parents and kids, responsible alcohol choices, and prevent underage drinking and drunk driving. Responsibility.org is a great resource for parents with kids of all ages to support a lifetime of conversations about alcohol responsibility. Please visit their website for conversation starters and communication strategies, starting as early as 8-years-old. Since parents are the #1 influence on teens and if they choose to drink or not drink alcohol, and it all starts with having open, non critical and non judgmental conversations together. And it starts early, much earlier than when they are actually teenager. It is important to be proactive and preventative, but if you find you are already in the thick of parenting a teen, it’s never too late to connect with them and start these important conversations!
Here is my advice for the best ways to connect and communicate with your older children, tweens, and teens:
Talk in Small Doses
Instead of talking to your child in long, drawn out sit down conversations that will sound more like an excruciating lecture where they will start zoning out or crawling out of their skin, try talking in small doses. Long conversations will feel suffocating and your child is likely to either shut down and stop listening or get anxious not knowing when the uncomfortable conversation will end and start to get irritable and act out. I think you know where this is going. A conversation that was intended to be helpful may turn out to have the opposite effect. Thus, having multiple short and to the point conversations with your tweens and teens instead of long lectures are much more effective.
Also, when you are having these short bursts of conversation, stay as neutral and calm as possible. If you react too quickly before methodically curating your response, you could lose your child’s trust. If they openly tell you something about what they heard about the upcoming party or what their friends plan on doing at the event, ask a curious and open-ended question like “how do you feel about that” or “what do you think about that” and allow them to come up with their own thoughts and share their solutions before diving in with your own opinions and conclusions. If they ask you, “mom, I need your advice”, then feel free to calmly share some thoughts and maybe two different sides of the coin so they can thoughtfully understand the “why” behind your advice and why one decision may be better than another one.
Create a Code Word
Having a predetermined code word or emoji that is used between the parent and child is one of the most helpful ways to communicate and connect with your child during the tween and teen years. The child comes up with a code word or emoji that is used only in situations where the child feels unsafe or needs help in some way. If the child feels like they are in an unsafe environment and needs to be picked up immediately, they text their parent the word or emoji and the parent picks them up as soon as possible, no questions asked. This is the most important part to remember, at least until the child is safely home. It may not necessarily be an emergency, but the sooner you pick up your child, the better, And there is no time to go into details except to know where your child is and calmly remind them to use their common sense to stay safe until you arrive.
Once the child is home safe, the parent can sit down with their child and discuss the situation, unless it’s very late or your child is under the influence in some way. The next day, check on your child and ask for a few more details about the previous evening in hopes you/they can learn how to handle the situation better the next time. Try not to judge, punish, or shame your child for getting mixed up in the moment or ending up in a sticky situation. Instead, I would focus on praising your child for knowing when a situation was unsafe and effectively using the code word or emoji to ask for help. They will rest assured that you are their side and support them. Because if you don’t handle it this way, the next time they might not call you if they need help. My daughter is only 10 and we have already have a code word, because conversations around how to handle difficult situations and peer pressure begin earlier than you think!Being proactive, prepared, prevention and early intervention are key! If you don’t have a code word with your kids for unsafe or uncomfortable situations, I highly recommend coming up with one sooner rather than later.
Role Play Together
Want to set your child up for success and help plan for the future by supporting them in the present? Let’s say your child is getting ready for a big event later that week (do not wait until the day off because your child might already have some nervous energy and won’t be as calm), as you are cooking dinner, driving in the car, or engaging in everyday activities, ask your child “what if” type of open ended questions. This can be very helpful to weigh out all types of scenarios that can take place at the event. For example, you could ask, “what will happen if your friend goes home early and you don’t have a ride?” or “what if everyone else you are with has a drink and you are the only one not drinking, how are you going to handle that?” or “if your best friend or boyfriend says to trust them to try something new but you don’t want to, what is your way out of the situation?” I could give a million more examples, but going over all scenarios with your child at various times throughout the weeks leading up to a big event like Homecoming or a Halloween Party, will allow your child the opportunity to think of solutions and responses when they are in a calm state of mind, instead of making a rash decision in the moment under pressure and stress. Practicing their responses ahead of time will help them in the heat of he moment when the situation is actually happening.
More Resources
In addition to what is on the Responsibility.Org website, during our parenting summit earlier this year, we heard from parenting expert and guest speaker, Dr. Lisa Damour, recommended parents to encourage their children to use white lies and blame getting out of an uncomfortable situation by blaming their parents. For example, a child can tell their friends their parents are crazy and they have breathalyzers and say something like “you haven’t met my dad, he’s nuts.” In this moment, your child is in a hot condition and helping them prepare for a response in advance, gives them the tools to respond in the moment. Dr. Damour also said that if your child asks “what if I get caught drinking alcohol at a party” in advance, focus answering from a health and safety perspective, such as “you are doing harm to your neurological development, so me catching you is the least of my concerns. To learn more about Dr. Damour, you can also pick up her book “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents.”
This post is sponsored by Responsibility.Org but all opinions are my own. #teamresponsibility
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