Ever since getting bad news during my yearly diagnostic mammogram in January, this year has been challenging to say the least. I have been emotionally drained, mentally frazzled, financially depleted, and physically in pain. I have lived in a world of ambiguity – a familiar yet unknown place where my worry and fear have gotten the best of me. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer back in 2011, just over 7 years ago, I kept my journey to myself. Only a handful of people knew about what I was going through and I felt very alone. I underwent two surgeries and went on my way to become a mom of two and thought I wouldn’t have to be in a similar situation again. I took for granted that this was a potentially lifelong experience that would live with me for the rest of my life. And here we are in 2019, when I was re-diagnosed with Stage 0 Breast Cancer earlier this year – otherwise known as Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS) – a pre-cancer that could eventually lead to invasive cancer.
I knew the moment I was facing this head on again I didn’t want to do it in silence like the first time. I wanted to share my story because I knew it would educate and raise awareness, help me not feel so secluded and afraid, and possibly help someone else going through a similar experience. I have a voice and want to be heard. And fortunately, I have a platform to do so. Everyone’s story is different and everyone handles things like this differently. But this is my story and I won’t let anyone take it away from me. However, little did I know that by sharing my story I would receive harsh judgment from others. I suppose it’s human nature to some extent when you put yourself out there, but it never crossed my mind that a handful of people would get so nasty and try to shame me or tell me that I am being melodramatic, sensational, and accuse me of exaggerating and exploding my illness for attention and self gain. Someone even said to me “It’s not like you are dying so why are you acting like you are?”
That being said, the majority of people in my life have been nothing but kind, helpful, loving, and supportive. In fact, the other day I downplayed my diagnosis to someone after hearing this negative comment and assured them that despite what I’ve gone through I have the best case scenario for a breast cancer diagnosis. And they turned to me and said, “Maybe. But you still have cancer and that is never something to dismiss.”
You see, I do have a very positive prognosis under the circumstances. But I please ask you not to MINIMIZE my experience. I haven’t been diagnosed with invasive cancer nor did I ever feel like I tried to act like I did. I know that it could be a lot worse and I feel very grateful for my life – knowing others have their lives on the line. However, when you spend almost an entire year in and out of hospitals and doctor’s offices and walk down the hall of multiple Cancer Centers, and are facing surgeries and radiation treatments, you sure feel like your life is threatened. Maybe not in that moment, but it all becomes too real and knowing statistically, that your chances are higher for it coming back again with a vengeance. And you feel like this time you got lucky, but what about next time?
Now after 3 partial mascectomies completed, with this last one being the worst since I also had some reconstruction, I was left all summer in extreme pain and with multiple limitations like not being able to hold my son for 6 weeks, which had its toll on both of us. And mind you this is while working three jobs and taking care of my children full time. I don’t want a medal, I am just putting hw challenging my summer was in perspective. And now, this time around, I am receiving daily radiation treatments for four weeks to proactively try and prevent my chances of getting it back again. But do have any idea how hard and stressful it is to come off of six weeks of recovery where you can barely move your arms or get dressed by yourself and then have to drive an hour away for daily radiation treatments for four weeks and set up childcare for each of those days with different people? But despite the surgeries and radiation, it’s not a guarantee that I’ll be cancer free forever – there is still a small percentage it could come back on that side. And did I mention that my chances of getting breast cancer on the other side increase as well? And that side is free game since it hasn’t had any preventative measures taken yet.
I’m just stating the facts. Cancer is a scary thing. And although my life isn’t truly on the line at this moment, it could be down the road – especially without the surgeries or radiation treatment. I am not saying I want to live in fear everyday, but it’s a part of my body that lives inside me that I cannot change. I also don’t want sympathy or pity. I just want to educate others about my experience, bond with others who may need support, and help normalize my experience with others who can relate to what I’ve been going through emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. I don’t want to and shouldn’t have to apologize for that. So I beg you not to try and silence what I’ve experienced in my life. We all go through difficult times, and this has been an extremely difficult time in mine. This is my experience and even though there have been a lot of people in my life by my side somewhat experiencing it alongside me, it still isn’t the same. This is not their life and this is not their body. Each day I am getting stronger and braver but nothing will change the fact that I am a true survivor no matter what way you look at it.
I wish the people who threw entitled judgement and criticism at me good health, peace, love and hope they can learn how to maturely empathize when others are going through a traumatic time in their life, even if they haven’t experienced something similar or don’t agree with how it’s presented or handled. And I want them to know that especially if anyone is going through a health scare, give them some grace, compassion, patience, kindness, and love. The last thing they need in the midst of their struggle is negativity. Instead, ask if they need help. Pray for them.
It has been hurtful and has shattered my spirit a little, but despite the adversity, pain, struggle, and negativity, I want to rise up and be a ray of sunshine that inspires hope, humility, optimism, strength, and positivity. My faith always gets me through.
And a special thank you to those of you who have supported me throughout my journey and have been there to bring me meals, help with childcare, pray for my heath and family, and take care of me. I have so much gratitude and appreciation for you! And to all my warriors and survivor sisters who I have met throughout this season and who have shared their journey, FIGHT ON! And I have a newfound outlook on life! My priorities have changed and it’s like everything is more clear. I am optimistic of what the rest of the year will bring and have a positive outlook on my future. And as soon as all of my treatments are over, I am going to slay life and really make it worth LIVING!!!!
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