Since we are all at home indefinitely right now, this is the time to connect with our children more than ever. This is the time they need us and want to be close to us. Use this time with them wisely and grow a deeper connection with them and a stronger, more secure attachment with them! Attachment starts as early as conception, so whether you are pregnant or have an older child, you can still work on your attachment with them!
As a mom I try hard everyday to provide my children with a secure attachment, and as a professional licensed therapist and play therapist, I encourage my clients to do the same. I also teach about attachment in my Play Therapy, Parent Child Therapy, and Individual and Family Life Cycles classes at a local university, where I teach Master’s and Doctoral level students in a Marital and Family Therapy program. Attachment is a main component in a systemic family system and I love educating other parents about how they can better their relationships with their children.
So what is attachment? It is basically the way our brain tells us we are secure and safe with another person. And the quality of the attachment with a child’s caregivers will strongly influence the attachments they will have growing up and as adults.
And what is a secure attachment? If a caregiver is responsive and available to a child, and makes them feel safe, they will have a secure attachment to each other. This means spending quality time with them, listening to them, validating their emotions, teaching them, and being available to help solve problems together with an equally healthy space to let them explore and solve problems on their own knowing they can always come back to you, the caregiver.
Benefits of a Secure Attachment: There are many benefits of a secure parent child attachment for both the parent and the child. The obvious one is having a better, happier, healthier relationship together. Other benefits include an overall better social, emotional, mental, cognitive, and physical health including:
-better grades, behavior, and overall academics at school
-stronger social skills and healthier and happier peer relationships with friends
-higher self worth, self esteem, and overall sense of self
-better health and immune system
-greater confidence and ability to problem solve on their own as the grow
-less anxiety
-less depression
-higher ability to self soothe and regulate their emotions on their own
-more self resilience
Just to put attachment in perspective, here are the other types of attachment to compare and contrast:
Anxious Attachment: Caregivers are inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability. This will confuse a child about what to expect. As an adult, this child will grow up and may be clingy and dependent on others for their emotions and self worth and will find it difficult to trust others.
Avoidant Attachment: Caregivers are neglectful. These children will tend to play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there for them to meet their needs. As adults, these children typically label themselves as very independent and may not even seek other relationships because they feel they don’t need anyone or that anyone will love them or meet their needs.
Disorganized Attachment: This type of attachment unfortunately develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. A child in this type of environment learns to fear their caregiver and has no real “secure base.” These children will be unpredictable, erratic, and unable to self soothe or regulate. Their peer relationships are not strong and they will have more fear, anxiety, and depressive symptoms.
So in addition to spending quality time with your children, listening to them, validating their emotions, teaching them, and being available to help solve problems together with an equally healthy space to let them explore and solve problems on their own knowing they can always come back to you…
…here are my TOP 5 Activities to do with your children to build a more secure attachment and a more positive relationship especially while we are all at home together:
Cook or bake in the kitchen: Cooking and baking are very therapeutic and a great way to spend time together and build a positive relationship. Teaching your child how to bake and cook and also giving them the opportunity to practice doing it themselves while you sit back and watch them is healthy for their development. Take turns adding ingredients and telling each other stories. Take time listening to each other and making something together that you both contributed to and enjoy your creation together when it’s done!
Plant a tree or a garden: It’s springtime and it’s therapeutic to spend time outside in the fresh air. You’ll also benefit from the Vitamin D! Planting items together is a fun learning experience and also a great way to make something together in a natural environment and to create something that you can watch grow each and every day! Working together on something bigger than ourselves will help strengthen your attachment and relationship! This activity is a gift that keeps growing long term, literally! As you can watch the progress together, it will continue to strengthen your bond with each other and you’ll always be able to come back to each other knowing you built your garden together.
Sit on the floor and play: This is a hard one for many parents because we are busy, tired, and sometimes forget what it’s like to use our inhibited imaginations and just play! But it is essential and extremely important to your children. I suggest doing it for 30 minutes each day first thing in the morning when you may have the most energy and before other life obligations get in the way. Plus, it’s a very positive way to start your day together. If you need some ideas, please read my other blog “How To Play When You are a Tired, Overworked, and Overwhelmed Parent!” and or “Easy Ways to Incorporate Play Into Your Busy Day”
Build something together: In the simplest form, you can build blocks or a fort. You can also build a model car or airplane together. Build a sandbox or a treehouse. Honestly, build anything together. Building something from scratch, while taking turns and bonding through the process, will enhance your attachment together. You are creating memories together and each time you look at your finished project you’ll always remember that time you had building it together. It’s quality time where you can spend having a conversation exchange with each other – practicing listening and sharing with each other while also physically working on something challenging where you may need to depend on each other!
Play a hand clapping game: This type of activity strengthens tactile stimulation, which is vital for children in having a secure attachment. If hand clapping is not your thing, you can brush each other’s hair or take turns rubbing lotion on each other’s hands! Tactile stimulation has so many mind, body and health benefits and if you didn’t know, brain and neurological development is dependent on tactile stimulation. Initiating touch is so imperative to a more secure attachment with your child. The surface area of the skin has an enormous number of sensory receptors and research has shown that deprivation of sensory stimulation, especially touch, adversely affects the healthy development of the child. Here are some the benefits of tactile stimulation in addition to enhancing attachment:
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