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Benefits of a Secure Attachment: Top 5 Activities To Do With Your Children to a Build Positive Relationship

Since we are all at home indefinitely right now, this is the time to connect with our children more than ever. This is the time they need us and want to be close to us. Use this time with them wisely and grow a deeper connection with them and a stronger, more secure attachment with them! Attachment starts as early as conception, so whether you are pregnant or have an older child, you can still work on your attachment with them!

 

As a mom I try hard everyday to provide my children with a secure attachment, and as a professional licensed therapist and play therapist, I encourage my clients to do the same. I also teach about attachment in my Play Therapy, Parent Child Therapy, and Individual and Family Life Cycles classes at a local university, where I teach Master’s and Doctoral level students in a Marital and Family Therapy program. Attachment is a main component in a systemic family system and I love educating other parents about how they can better their relationships with their children.

 

So what is attachment? It is basically the way our brain tells us we are secure and safe with another person. And the quality of the attachment with a child’s caregivers will strongly influence the attachments they will have growing up and as adults.

 

And what is a secure attachment? If a caregiver is responsive and available to a child, and makes them feel safe, they will have a secure attachment to each other. This means spending quality time with them, listening to them, validating their emotions, teaching them, and being available to help solve problems together with an equally healthy space to let them explore and solve problems on their own knowing they can always come back to you, the caregiver.

 

Benefits of a Secure Attachment: There are many benefits of a secure parent child attachment for both the parent and the child. The obvious one is having a better, happier, healthier relationship together. Other benefits include an overall better social, emotional, mental, cognitive, and physical health including:

-better grades, behavior, and overall academics at school

-stronger social skills and healthier and happier peer relationships with friends

-higher self worth, self esteem, and overall sense of self

-better health and immune system

-greater confidence and ability to problem solve on their own as the grow

-less anxiety

-less depression

-higher ability to self soothe and regulate their emotions on their own

-more self resilience

 

Just to put attachment in perspective, here are the other types of attachment to compare and contrast:

 

Anxious Attachment: Caregivers are inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability. This will confuse a child about what to expect. As an adult, this child will grow up and may be clingy and dependent on others for their emotions and self worth and will find it difficult to trust others.

 

Avoidant Attachment: Caregivers are neglectful. These children will tend to play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there for them to meet their needs. As adults, these children typically label themselves as very independent and may not even seek other relationships because they feel they don’t need anyone or that anyone will love them or meet their needs.


Disorganized Attachment:
 This type of attachment unfortunately develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. A child in this type of environment learns to fear their caregiver and has no real “secure base.” These children will be unpredictable, erratic, and unable to self soothe or regulate. Their peer relationships are not strong and they will have more fear, anxiety, and depressive symptoms.

 

So in addition to spending quality time with your children, listening to them, validating their emotions, teaching them, and being available to help solve problems together with an equally healthy space to let them explore and solve problems on their own knowing they can always come back to you…

 

…here are my TOP 5 Activities to do with your children to build a more secure attachment and a more positive relationship especially while we are all at home together:

 

Cook or bake in the kitchen: Cooking and baking are very therapeutic and a great way to spend time together and build a positive relationship. Teaching your child how to bake and cook and also giving them the opportunity to practice doing it themselves while you sit back and watch them is healthy for their development. Take turns adding ingredients and telling each other stories. Take time listening to each other and making something together that you both contributed to and enjoy your creation together when it’s done!

Plant a tree or a garden: It’s springtime and it’s therapeutic to spend time outside in the fresh air. You’ll also benefit from the Vitamin D! Planting items together is a fun learning experience and also a great way to make something together in a natural environment and to create something that you can watch grow each and every day! Working together on something bigger than ourselves will help strengthen your attachment and relationship! This activity is a gift that keeps growing long term, literally! As you can watch the progress together, it will continue to strengthen your bond with each other and you’ll always be able to come back to each other knowing you built your garden together. 

Sit on the floor and play: This is a hard one for many parents because we are busy, tired, and sometimes forget what it’s like to use our inhibited imaginations and just play! But it is essential and extremely important to your children. I suggest doing it for 30 minutes each day first thing in the morning when you may have the most energy and before other life obligations get in the way. Plus, it’s a very positive way to start your day together. If you need some ideas, please read my other blog “How To Play When You are a Tired, Overworked, and Overwhelmed Parent!” and or “Easy Ways to Incorporate Play Into Your Busy Day”

Build something together: In the simplest form, you can build blocks or a fort. You can also build a model car or airplane together. Build a sandbox or a treehouse. Honestly, build anything together. Building something from scratch, while taking turns and bonding through the process, will enhance your attachment together. You are creating memories together and each time you look at your finished project you’ll always remember that time you had building it together. It’s quality time where you can spend having a conversation exchange with each other – practicing listening and sharing with each other while also physically working on something challenging where you may need to depend on each other!

Play a hand clapping game: This type of activity strengthens tactile stimulation, which is vital for children in having a secure attachment. If hand clapping is not your thing, you can brush each other’s hair or take turns rubbing lotion on each other’s hands! Tactile stimulation has so many mind, body and health benefits and if you didn’t know, brain and neurological development is dependent on tactile stimulation. Initiating touch is so imperative to a more secure attachment with your child. The surface area of the skin has an enormous number of sensory receptors and research has shown that deprivation of sensory stimulation, especially touch, adversely affects the healthy development of the child. Here are some the benefits of tactile stimulation in addition to enhancing attachment:

žEnhances development of the nervous system
žReduces the stress hormone – cortisol
žReleases anti-stress hormone – oxytocin
žImproves the immune system
žCalms babies and toddlers and helps them sleep
žAlleviates colic and gastrointestinal problems
žAlleviates asthma symptoms
žIncreases circulation
žDecreases heart rate
žImproves development of nervous system
žAlleviates stress symptoms
What type of attachment do you have with your children?
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Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children.

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TODAY.com Parenting Team Parenting Contributor

About Dr. Kim

Hello! I am Dr. Kim and I am The Parentologist! I am first and foremost a wife and a mom. I am also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. I hope through my professional and personal experience we can collaborate with each other on how to better ourselves and our relationships with our families and our children. Read More…

My Instagram

🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had t 🇺🇸 What a monumental day in history we had today! 🇺🇸

As soon as we woke up I started educating my children, specifically my daughter, on what the inauguration meant and why today was such a special day in history. We both were glued to the television as we watched @kamalaharris be sworn in as the first Black South Asian woman Vice President and @joebiden be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. We also were powerfully moved hearing @amandascgorman - the youngest inaugural poet in history recite “The Hill We Climb.” 

My daughter was so excited to participate and recite the Pledge of Allegiance with the rest of the county and she was so proud to see and be a part of history in the making. I haven’t been to Washington D.C. in about 8 years but I promised I would take her one day when the pandemic is over. 

In the meantime, I have a fun fact for you! Did you know that President Joe Biden and I both graduated from the same university? Yep! We both went to @syracuseu 🍊 And in fact, @joebiden is the first @syracuseu alumnus to become President of the United States! 

📸: @chrissywphoto #inauguration #inagurationday #inaguration2021 #joebiden #kamalaharris #presidentbiden #syracuseuniversity #syracuse #syracuseu #historyismade #madamvicepresident #mommyandme #46thpresident #sandiego #sandiegoblogger #momblogger #parentingblogger #motherhood
This time of year is notorious for dry air, allerg This time of year is notorious for dry air, allergies, and sinus trouble. #ad 

And since I work from home, it can get quite noisy and distracting with my husband and two children here, so sometimes I get my best work done in the comfort of my own bed. And the best part is that I can have my new @crane_usa “4 in 1” cool mist humidifier on at all times with essential oils to help with overall wellness and since it comes with a sound machine I can block out the other noises in the house! 

And at night, it helps my sinuses as I sleep, especially when the dry air of the heater is on, and it has a nightlight so my kids can see where they are going in the middle of the night when they inevitably need water or a hug! 

This is our 6th #cranehumidifier style and it’s my favorite one yet! Check out my stories for a closer look! 👀 #happyhealthyhumidity 

#humidifier #coldandflu #humidifiers #peaceandquiet #workingfromhome #workingmom #working #coldandfluseason #coldandflurelief #winter #winterstyle #wintertime #wintervibes #winter2021 #wahm #wahmlife #wahmlifestyle #workfromhomemom #workfromhomelife #workfromhome #workathomemom #workathome #workathomelife #newmom #babyshowergift #sinusrelief
{New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude {New Blog Post} “How to Teach Children Gratitude” 🌱✨🌸

Throwing it back to one of the first mommy and me photos I ever posted on my feed because I’ve been teaching my daughter about gratitude since she was this little, possibly even younger (she is two here for reference)! 

Gratitude is such an important virtue and must have trait to build a child’s character. It also shows therapeutic benefits when you show gratitude to others, so why wouldn’t you want to make it a priority to teach and instill in your children? 

In this blog, I have suggestions for how to teach children gratitude broken down by ages and stages from infancy to teenage years, while also including some conversation prompts, and links to my favorite gratitude journals for busy families that we use here at home! 

Find the direct link to read in my bio and stories! I also published similar articles on @todayparents and @redtricycle if you follow me there! #drkimblog
DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️ I am DOUBLE TAP if you agree!! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I am that mom who wants to do it all and when I get overwhelmed or start suffering from a major case of burnout, I feel guilty if I take a break instead of giving my body and mind permission to slow down or even stop. 

As moms we often feel guilty if we take a break or believe we are perceived as weak if we ask for help. I have learned that the more I ask for help and the more time I take for myself, the better I am for my children. 

Guilt is an emotional response to something you perceived you did wrong, but when you experience unnecessary guilt, it’s counterproductive to healing and helping you with what you need most. So give it a try and let me know how you are going to take a break and not feel guilty about it this week below in the comments! ⤵️ #drkimparentingtips #theparentologist #drkimparentingadvice
DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when yo DOUBLE TAP if you used to love Hello Kitty when you were little - and still do! 🙋🏼‍♀️🐱#ad

I am so excited to have all of these new items from the @erincondren Hello Kitty collection that launched today to keep work fun, playful, and reminiscent of childhood - something all adults need a little more of, am I right? 

The collection is all about organization, kindness, and friendship. My favorite piece of the collection is the “Daily Kindness and Joy Journal” that boldly says BE KIND, BE NICE, REPEAT on the front cover but I am also pretty obsessed with the Hello Kitty x Erin Condren Pencil Case and Vegan Leather Padfolio! 

Swipe to see my business attire on top and activewear on the bottom work style! 😉 And head to my stories to see it all up close and for your convenience I have everything linked for you http://liketk.it/35XZC and make sure to follow me at THEPARENTOLOGIST @liketoknow.it  for more of my favorites!!! #liketkit #erincondren
{New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and {New Blog Post} “Sensory Play, Pretend Play, and Role Play Ideas for Children with Autism” 🧩 🧸 🚂 ⚽️ 
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For the last 3 years I have spent my career therapeutically helping families and children of all ages on the Autism Spectrum. Play has been a fundamental way for many of my clients to communicate if they are non-verbal. And some of my clients have had to be taught how to play with a toy or another person. The play ideas listed on the blog can be used with children with or without special needs. Play is a universal way a child can explore their world in a way that makes sense to them and cultivate imagination, creativity, and fun! As a Registered Play Therapist, I love the work I do and couldn’t be prouder of the progress my clients have made with play over the years! #drkimblog
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#autism #autismmom #autismfamily #autismspectrum #autismcommunity #autismparent #autismlife #autismparents #autismparenting #autistickids #autisticchildren #autistictoddler #autismresources #playtherapy #playtherapist #playbasedlearning #learningthroughplay #activitiesforkids #activitiesfortoddlers #activitiesforchildren #sensoryplay #sensoryplayideas #sensoryprocessingdisorder #sensoryactivities #momswhoblog #ontheblog #newblogpost #parentingblogger #momblogger
{New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control {New Blog Post} ✨🌱🧴“Ways to Take Control of Your Eczema” #ad 
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These winter months have been so dry and my eczema has been flaring up. Can anyone relate? For decades I have used a variety of treatment options from over-the-counter ointments and lotions to doctor prescribed steroid medication. In today’s blog, I am partnering with @mediqcme to share more of my story and struggles with atopic dermatitis as well as some new treatment options! If you or a loved one suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis it’s a must read! 
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Plus there is a survey at the end of the blog you can fill out and opt in to be entered to win 1 of 10 VISA gift cards! 🙌🏻 Link in bio and in stories! #itchyskinhelp #drkimblog
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#eczema #eczemarelief #eczemahealing #eczematreatment #eczemaproblems #eczemawarrior #atopicdermatitis #itchyskin #itchyskinrelief #atopicskin #atopicdermatitistreatment #atopicdermatitismanagement #eczemamanagement #winterskincare #winterskin #winterskincareroutine #winterskincaretips #newblogpost #momswhoblog #ontheblog #wellnessblogger #wellnesstips #wellnessexpert
{New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get {New Blog Post} 🌿 “How to Utilize Play to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want” 
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As a Registered Play Therapist, play is the foundation to the way I help children conceptualize and conquer the world. Play is second nature to children and the way they respond to many of life’s obstacles. Sometimes as parents, it is easy to get into a power match with your children, especially when you want your children to comply with a request and they won’t budge. When this happens, we need to change the way our adult mind thinks and switch it to the way a child thinks. Instead of giving them a punitive consequence, try these play recommendations that can be used with children as young as toddlerhood all the way to adolescents! #drkimblog 
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#playtherapy #playtherapist #therapistsofinstagram #playoutsidethebox #learningthruplay #playbasedlearning #learningthroughplay #learningisfun #parenting #parentingtips #parenting101 #parentingteens #parentingtweens #parentingtoddlers #parentingadvice #parentingexpert #parentingblogger #parentingblog #newblogpost #ontheblog #momswhoblog #parenthood #toddlerproblems #toddlermom #behaviortherapist #behaviortherapy #positiveparentingsolutions #positiveparentingtips #positiveparenting
{New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effect {New Blog Post} “Tips on How To Set Goals Effectively in 2021” ✨ 
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It’s is usually around this time that I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish for the year. And whether you believe in making resolutions, affirmations, or goals, it is time to be proactive!! On the blog, I outlined an organizational system I use year after year to help me accomplish my goals. And I hope they work for you!! 
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What are some of your goals you want to accomplish this year? 
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#2021 #2021goals #goals #goalsetting #goalgetter #goalsettingtips #goalsetter #goalsetting2021 #goalcrusher #momhustle #snowday #snowman #newgoals #newgoals2021 #mommyandme #letthembelittle #letthembekids #letthemplay #playoutside #playoutdoors #playoutsidethebox #familyday #familyfun #familysnowday
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