Let’s do a mental health check-in! We are half-way through the year, and even though new year resolutions aren’t trending this time of year, it’s never too late in the year to start making positive changes in your life and prioritizing your mental health. In fact, any day is a good day to hit pause and reflect on your values and what self care is to you. Learning how to take care of yourself as the parent is essential in not just maintaining a healthy self but also in role-modeling wellness for your kids.
And I am all about prevention and early intervention. Being proactive about our mental health will help us overcome stressful moments of time because we already put the work into ourselves. When we wait until something stressful occurs in our life, and we become impulsive and reactive, it may be too late. You have to put the work in beforehand so you can possibly prevent a mental or emotional breakdown of some kind. If not, you will have to back pedal and work on overtime to fix a problem, leaving you more depleted and more stressed. Prioritizing our mental health is imperative and it’s not selfish or self-indulgent. We shouldn’t feel guilty for taking time for ourselves. In fact, if we take care of ourselves, we will be better humans and parents. We will be more thoughtful, insightful, patient, kind, and reflective. When we are our own best selves, we are better equip to be a better parent. And, in turn, our children will learn how to do the same by our actions.
Beyond Bubble Baths: Faux Self Care vs Real Self Care
The way I see it is, faux self care is what people see on the outside. It’s the societal expectation, the facade, our social self, and what we think we are supposed to do. The term self-care is over saturated in our current culture. And although this type of self care can help provide relief in the moment, it isn’t sustainable in the long run. For example, if someone goes and gets a massage or a pedicure, they may consider this as a form of self care. And maybe it is for them. But if they are worrying about their to-do list the entire time, it basically defeats the purpose, right? And if they come home to their kids arguing and a messy house that they are now expected to clean, that one hour of self care may dissipate extremely quickly when they come back to their reality. Some parents may even think that having a drink or two after a long, stressful day at work may be a form of self-care. But again, the effects of drinking alcohol only puts a temporary bandage on our stress. Alcohol consumption only increases our anxiety and depression levels. If you drink to fall asleep, you might find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, even more stressed than you were before you had a drink. And after becoming sober again, out problems are still there waving us down and saying hello. And if anything, using alcohol as a coping mechanism for stress may only make problems bigger.
Real self-care is what is happening to you on the inside. It’s the constant work you put into yourself on a regular basis, maybe even everyday. This type of self care is reflected in your core self and embedded in your values. When your actual life is aligned with what is important to you, then you don’t need to escape. Real self-care could be journaling your thoughts each morning prioritizing your to-do list and making sure that you aren’t doing anything that is going against your core values. Real self-care can also be setting boundaries with your friends, neighbors, or others that suck your time and energy. Real self-care is all about your decision making and the actions you take in your life. Real self-care is giving yourself grace, compassion, and forgiveness. Real self-care is being mindful, intentional, and present. Real self-care is about protecting yourself. Real self-care is asking for help and being open to receiving help. Real self-care is giving up the guilt. Real self-care is about letting go.
What we want to strive for is real self-care and also role-model that to our children. It’s our responsibility to our children to show them by our actions that we value ourselves and make ourselves a priority. How else are they going to learn? If not you, they will learn from others, and that may not be the best influence for them. Parents have the biggest influence on their children, so use your responsibility well!
And honestly, there is nothing wrong with manicures, pedicures, bubble baths, and mud masks! Yes, the wellness companies thrive and survive on selling us this kind of wellness, but you can have both. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Have a faux self care date with yourself and also put in the internal time to achieve real self care. That’s what I do! Both can be true. And both can be beneficial. The point is that you are doing them with intention and being true to yourself.
Self-Care Practices for Raising Confident and Happy Children
I recommend making your children part of your self-care and wellness practices. How do you show up for your kids? Are you frazzled and high stressed most of the time? Are you short tempered and dysregulated? Possibly, parenting can put a lot of pressure and stress on us. Parenting is not easy. However, with the right type of self care routine, it can be manageable most of the time. We are so used to taking care of everyone else before ourselves, which may lead us into martyr mode. We end up pouring our energy into our family, our work, our friends, our community and are also secretly waiting for someone to save us and help us. When that doesn’t happen, we become resentful, and that shows in our mood and our actions. And if and when someone does offer assistance, our super pride gets in the way, and we end up saying no and telling ourselves and the world that we are “fine” and don’t need support. But again, I ask, how does this affect your children? They are learning from your actions and reactions.
I suggest that you make your children apart of your wellness routine. Show them what it’s like to set boundaries and make good decisions. Show them how to not fill up your calendar and not always be busy. Show them that there is contentment in quietness. Show them what it’s like to ask for help. Have them practice how to pause. Have them write down their values. Have them journal with you. Have them meditate with you. Teach them affirmations. Teach them deep breathing. And honestly, teach them to take time out to treat themselves. Maybe that’s a pedicure or maybe that’s reading a new book at the park. Get outside together and incorporate movement in your day. Take up yoga. Take up walking. Just keep moving. Teach them empathy. Teach them humility. Teach them patience. Teach them forgiveness. And show them by example, how to pause, reflect, be present, and show grace and compassion for yourself and others.
More Resources
Earlier the year I attended an influencer summit in Chicago with Responsibility.Org. I have proudly been one of their parent ambassadors for years and it’s been my most meaningful job because I love their mission to help educate parents to have conversations with their children and prevent underage drinking and drunk driving.
One of the speakers at the summit was none other than Pooja Lakshmin, MD. If you recall, she has been a guest on my podcast in an episode called “The Mom Martyr: How to Prevent Falling Into The Trap” and we even did an Instagram LIVE together when those were a thing! Chicago was our first time meeting in person and we were so excited to see each other in real life!
And she just published a book called Real Self-Care: Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included and it’s fabulous! She goes into detail about the Four Pillars of Self Care: Setting Boundaries, Self Compassion, Getting Clear on Values, and Understanding That This is Power.
She talks about the real self-care compass; it’s your what, your how, your why, and the reminder. When you are clear on your values, you can embody them in all your goals. You can get a copy for yourself here!
To learn more about Responsibility.Org, please listen to this podcast episode titled “Early and Often: How and When to Talk to Your Kids About Alcohol” where I interviewed Leslie Kimball, the Executive Director of Responsibility.Org!
I am a #TeamResponsibilty ambassador and although this post is sponsored by Responsibility.Org, all opinions are my own.
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