As we find ourselves transitioning into a new year and learning from and honoring what we experienced last year, this blog is all about from barely surviving 2020 to thriving in 2021…
The year 2020 will forever be remembered as a challenging year for many reasons. There were new obstacles we were forced to face, adjustments we had to make, and difficulties we never could have imagined. Our lives were jolted with having to live a completely different lifestyle than what we were ever used to, and we had to pivot (my favorite word of the year) the way we lived, but there were also positive things that came out of 2020, too. I am an optimist by nature and I’m always trying to find the silver lining so it’s no surprise I tried to spin this last year as a good one, even though at times I feel like I barely survived. The reality is our country experienced a lot of pain, sickness, death, grief, social isolation, overwhelmed responsibilities, loss of independence, loss of jobs and businesses, and so much more. And it’s certainly important to process all of those things in order to move on in order to have a new beginning. But despite the pain and negativity, I also believe there were a lot of good things that came out of the year. As much as there was a lot of division in our world, there was a lot of unity. Being forced to stay home as a nation in quarantine is a shared experience we can all relate to on some degree despite how we each experienced it in our own way. And personally, as a mom, last year rocked my world, especially in the last couple of months. Somewhere between trying to work two jobs, managing the household, taking care of two children, being a wife, and helping with virtual schooling, I felt lost, stuck, and overwhelmed by responsibility and the feeling of never having a moment to myself. My husband and children have been home with me since March, and life as I once knew it has been temporarily over. Life wasn’t designed for us to experience it this way, but I had to force myself to show up each morning and do my best. I was continually exhausted and overworked and even started drinking coffee for the first time in my entire life during quarantine and now it’s a daily habit just so I can keep up each day. But the flip side of the coin is that I was able to spend a lot of extra time with my family, especially my children, that I wouldn’t have had without the pandemic. Our family has bonded and we have become stronger together and that is a gift I will always be thankful for forever.
I have been so honored to partner with Responsibility.org this past year and being able to bring awareness and educate parents on their commitment to cultivating a lifetime of conversations between parents and children, including and with respect to alcohol responsibility. And near the end of last year, our amazing team had our final zoom summit of 2020, where we discussed the good and the bad from the year in a very therapeutic, raw, vulnerable, and honest way. Hearing everyone’s shared experiences made everything feel lighter somehow, that we are all in this together, and even though we experienced the year differently and at varying levels, it confirmed we still share many common experiences. Our moderator, middle school counselor and author Phyllis Fagell hit the mark when she spoke about how resilience in children is knowing who you are and not having decision fatigue, along with picking good friends and knowing right from wrong. These are very powerful concepts and gifts that parents can give to their children by way of conversation. It is our responsibility to talk to our kids about how to make good choices whether it’s about what they eat, what they drink, what friends they choose to play with, and ultimately about how to live the best life possible.
The very talented graphic storyteller, Nikki Kurt, documented our entire conversation in beautiful artistic fashion. Here are some of the final pieces. Aren’t they rich in knowledge, thought, and experience? They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and in this case, I wholeheartedly agree! These artistic drawings convey the essence and meaning of our conversation about authenticity, expectations, and rethinking rituals.
During our conversation, we spoke about three main concepts and answered the following questions within these topics:
Toxic Positivity + Authenticity
We will be facing a New Year after an extremely challenging 2020. We value the importance of being honest about the year that passed and equally as important is not sugar coating. How might you bring authenticity into 2021, how might you bring that into your social media presence, your conversations with your kids or friends, and is there a danger to toxic positivity?
I intend to produce more quality content, than quantity content. My blog and social media presence has always been more professional than personal, so it is difficult for my to be authentic at times, since I don’t share too much about myself or my family, but offer more advice and education about things that are important to me. But I try to be as authentic as possible, especially if I am having a hard day or going through a difficult time. I try to share the good and bad moments of parenting and will continue to do so.
Making Peace with Unmet Expectations
It’s been a year of disappointments, whether its your own personal disappointments or your kids’ (big or small matter here!) ie. Can’t just run off for coffee on a whim with a friend, can’t go to the gym, canceled graduations, job losses, can’t have family holidays or weddings or funerals). How have you made peace with unmet expectations or guided your children – or how might you do this looking into 2021?
I have had to make peace with not doing some of the things I wanted to do this year. I had multiple travel itineraries canceled. I intended to start my podcast, write my book proposal, and even start a talk show, but those things were put on the back burner, since I had to focus more of my time helping my kids with virtual schooling, and didn’t have a quiet moment in my house to myself, to work on these things uninterrupted.
Rethinking Rituals
Never before have we been so aware of the rituals in our daily lives – or over the course of the year – and what it means when those are disrupted. How are you finding ways to celebrate new rituals or teaching your kids to manage the disappointment?
We have had to adapt to new ways to celebrate the seasons and holidays this year. We have also had to say no to going to birthday parties so we don’t expose ourselves to too many people in an attempt to stay as healthy as possible. We have had to have more virtual playdates more than in person playdates. And we even created our own Kindergarten graduation at home in our driveway with a few friends last year instead of at school with the entire class because it was canceled. But the kids had a blast and loved their teacher being on the computer online watching them and wishing them on to a new academic year. It’s important we remember that just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s bad.
My Contribution
When I contributed to the conversation, I spoke about mom guilt and not being able to handle the weight of the world during the year. I spoke about feeling guilty for crying in front of my children but then realized how important it is to show emotion in front of our children, and it’s necessary to teach them vulnerability, empathy, and even strength.
On a lighter note, I also spoke about the little things that positivity came out of the year like drive-thru movies, curbside food pick up, outdoor patio seating, reservation systems and limited capacity, and more delivery options that I sincerely hope stick around long after this is all over. If you are a parent of small children, you know how difficult and time-consuming it can be to run errands and having to take your kids in and out of their car seats over and over again. It’s so convenient to have certain conveniences like curbside pick up that have just been a dream come true during this time!
So now that we were barely able to survive in 2020, how do we turn it around and thrive in 2021?
Declutter
Declutter the mess. Declutter the toxicity. Declutter the pain. The most beneficial ways I know how to sort the past and start fresh with the new, is to declutter. For me, this means cleaning out old emails, shredding piles of old mail, recycling old magazines and papers, giving away old clothes, cleaning out the garage, and simplifying life. This means getting a new planner and getting organized. This means getting rid of anything holding me down to start anew and give me the best possible chance to move forward. This also means processing the past, and living in the present, so I can move forward into the future. This means if you have loss, grief, pain, and unresolved issues, work on resolving them so you can mentally, emotionally, and physically move on and move ahead. Whether you need to talk to a friend or seek professional therapy, seek the help you need and the ear you want to listen to you, and try to move forward taking it one day at a time, because this way, you can let go, and focus on a fresh beginning. Letting go does not mean forgetting, it means processing, and externalizing the problem, so it’s not held hostage inside of you, preventing you from moving in a forward direction.
Say No
This one is a HARD one for me, but it’s so empowering and freeing when you can say no and not take on more responsibilities than you know you can handle. Trust me, I’m all for the hustle and hard work, in fact, it’s how I’ve lived most of my life, but as I grow older and wiser, I’m trading burnout and being overwhelmed for rest and rejuvenation. So say no to the white noise and say hello to stopping and smelling the roses once in a while. Saying no means not participating or committing to unnecessary obligations that hold you back, tie you down, or pull you away from your desires, goal, morals, character, and values. Stop saying yes because you feel obligated. Say yes because you choose to, because you want to, and because it will make you happy. Choose ways to live your life that gives you contentment and embrace the empty moments. Embrace the time. Embrace the quiet and slow minutes in your day that you would often fill with commitments that stressed you out and took time away from your family, children, and even, yourself. I am not saying not to work hard, but offering advice to start saying no to working harder than you need to and saying yes to self care and silence.
Set Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are so beneficial for mental health success. Setting boundaries can look differently for people, so do what’s best for you. This might mean to limit your time on social media and or only follow accounts that help, inspire, and motivate you to be the best person you can be. This might mean not checking your emails as soon as you wake up, in the evening, or on the weekends. This might mean to limit your time with your boss at work during the week, extended family, or even friends on the weekend. This may mean cutting off relationships that aren’t healthy for you. And just because you did it in the past, and people may expect differently of you, be strong and break the cycle. Be bold, be strong, be brave, and be the way you want to be, even if society doesn’t agree with you.
Be Intentional
I think if I were to choose a word for this year, it would be “intentionality.” It means to live each day to its fullest. It means taking advantage of opportunities in real time. It’s about being intentional about your time and what you do to fill your time. Even if you want to take a nap, be intentional about it, telling yourself you are giving your body a well deserved break. Be mindful and live in the moment. Live today like it’s the last day of your life or the first day of the rest of your life. This doesn’t mean to engage in risky behavior, it means choosing to live in the present and do what is most important to you, so if it were to end tomorrow you have no regrets. It means that today is a new chapter of your life’s book, and you have control to write what is on the pages and write the direction it takes. Take advantage of opportunities to bond with your family. Be an active participant in your children’s lives and don’t take a passive backseat to their wellbeing. It also means being intentional with your life and decisions you make on a daily basis. Are you exercising and eating healthy? Are you taking care of yourself emotionally and mentally? Are you making the best decisions for yourself? How are you handling your stress? What are your coping skills? Being intentional means having more conversations with your children and having more in depth conversations about things like peer pressure, self worth, healthy boundaries, and underage drinking and alcohol responsibility your children. According to Responsibility.org, parents are the #1 influence on their children, and showing responsible consumption is critical. Be the best role model you can be and be intentional about what you do, how you act, what decisions you make, and how you live your life.
Prioritize Your Time
Figure out what is most important to you. Set intentions for the day (or the week, month, or year) and hold yourself accountable. How do you want to spend your day? I often say I don’t have time for certain things (and sometimes its true) but sometimes it’s because I’m not prioritizing my time the way I should be. How you start your day is a big predictor on how the rest of your day goes. They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day to set you and your body up for success, and I would argue, that setting your morning routine in the best way possible, predicts the rest of your day and how well it will go mentally and emotionally. So start your morning prioritizing your day with daily affirmations, a morning mantra, meditation, exercise, morning devotions, etc. Be proactive and not reactive about your life and what direction you want it to take each day. Turn off the television, put your phone away, and get that project you have been putting off done. Take breaks when you need to, but ultimately do what really matters first, and everything else will fall into place. And each night, ask yourself if you led your best life that day and ask yourself what you would have done differently. Make small modifications each day until you hit a rhythm you like and a daily ritual or pattern you are happy with. Set timers for yourself if you have to if you tend to get distracted. And ask for help if you need it.
Show Up
Trust me, there are days I don’t want or feel like I have the time to “get ready” for the day. There are plenty of days when I am drowning in responsibilities with my home, family, children, jobs, etc., and am running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Some days I don’t shower, change out of my pajamas, or even brush my teeth (gross but true), but I find my “best” days are when I show up. When I am proactive in starting my day and quickly rinse off in the shower and get dressed, it changes the direction of my day. I’m not saying give yourself a blow out and put on makeup and a fancy outfit, putting your hair in a bun and wearing a nice pair of loungewear or activewear is completely acceptable, but be intentional about it. It won’t take more than about 10 minutes, but it can make or break my day, how I feel mentally about myself, and how I approach the day. Just show up in some way. Choose to have a good day. Choose to put a smile on your face. Choose to be positive. Choose to treat others kindly. Choose to be your best self. And lastly, pick and choose your battles. Don’t let the weight of the world get you down, lift yourself up and show up each day with a fresh start and positive attitude. Treat each day like you are going on a new date with yourself and set your day up for success by putting your best foot forward.
Schedule it Out
I have had plenty of unscheduled and unstructured days but I don’t recommend winging it. Some days get the best of me, but I suggest taking control of your day and not letting the day control you. I know that sounds easier said than done, but it’s easier than you think. Set your day up for success by scheduling it out. Notice I didn’t say week? Take it one day at a time. You can certainly meal plan for the week or even get all your laundry done on Sunday to set your week up for less daily chores, but taking it one day at a time is less overwhelming. I am a big believer in setting daily, monthly, quarterly, and yearly goals, but that is something you can sit down and do once or twice a year. What I am talking about is setting a daily schedule and making a list of everything you want to get done and reaping the satisfaction and benefits of crossing things off your list. Trust me, it makes you feel very accomplished and satisfied! I know not everyone is a Type A, list planning person, and I don’t expect you to be, but jotting down a few goals for the day and a rough idea of what expectations you have of the day will help you organize your thoughts and your time. And no task is too small! If you want to, go crazy, and even write things down like “take a shower” or ” get dressed” because even the smallest contributions to your day counts. Have a general idea of what you need to accomplish each day and write it down so you don’t forget or cloud your mind with all the extra stress. Tackle one item at a time and you will soon find more satisfaction and less stress in your day because you have a plan. Now all you have to do is execute it!
I hope these tips have helped you in some way. I wish you all a very Happy New Year!
I am a proud Responsibility.org ambassador this year and was compensated to write the post but all opinions are my own. #TeamResponsibility.
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