As a child therapist and mom of two small children, I often get asked about sleep training. Although I’m not a trained sleep consultant, I have been conducting sleep consultations with parents across the nation for quite some time based on the knowledge I have as a behavioral therapist. For me sleep training is about self-regulation, low anxiety, and having effective parenting tools.
From a behavioral perspective, I believe sleep training is more about the parent than it is about the child. For example, if the parent’s anxiety is high, then the child will have a harder time falling and staying asleep. If the child’s sleep routine is off, then the child will have trouble adapting to changes in their schedule. You may see this the most in children who have a parent that travels a lot and has an inconsistent schedule or if a parent is deployed of and on for a long period of time. This can also take place if any major life changes have recently occurred like a new sibling, a new home, a new school, divorce, vacation, houseguests, etc. Children may even regress during these times of inconsistent change until they feel secure in their adapted environment. And if the parent lacks being consistent, then the child will be inconsistent, too. On the other hand, children are resilient and will more easily adapt to their environment with some basic routines, structure, and consistency.
I will be hosting a virtual Self Care and Sleep Training parenting workshop on June 1 from 9:00am-11:00am PST from the comfort of your own home! I will be going into more detail on sleep training and health sleep habits for babies, toddlers, and adults! In this workshop, you will:
Learn how to sleep train babies and toddlers
Learn heathy sleep habits for adults
Learn how to let go of stress and worry as well as how to set boundaries so you can sleep better
Learn how to quickly get back to sleep after your child wakes you up in the middle of the night
Learn practical self care tools
The online workshop will be interactive and you can ask questions in real time, but if you miss it, I will be recording it, so you can still buy a ticket and then watch the workshop later on your own time! You can buy tickets here, but hurry because space is limited!
Sleep Training for Babies
When it comes to good night’s sleep, there are many factors that will set you and your child up for success, so before you start any sleep training routine, make sure you begin on a Friday evening (or a time when you have a few days without work or school obligations) and during a time when you have no houseguests, no upcoming vacations planned, and no recent major life changes. I suggest starting on a Friday evening so you can sleep in on the weekend and not have to worry about getting up early for work (or school if you have more than one child) since chances are you will lose some extra sleep during the actual training process. If you have a spouse, partner, extended family member, or nanny that can help you, that is ideal for your success – especially if you are nursing. The other person will act as a neutral buffer between you and your feedings – especially since your baby can smell your breastmilk. If you aren’t there, your baby won’t expect to eat. Your baby may get more upset if you aren’t there to feed on demand in the short term, but will be a life changer for you in the long run. But please make sure you speak to your pediatrician first to make sure that your baby can eliminate nighttime feedings.
I also suggest starting sleep training when your baby is at least 6 months old due to cognitive and developmental milestones. You will also need to get past the 4-month sleep regression and possibly beyond them cutting their first teeth. Also, do not begin the process if your child is sick, congested, or going through a big developmental leap (check the Wonder Weeks app for more information on developmental leaps).
Once you are ready, begin by planning out a nighttime timeline with your sleep training partner. Determine how many times you will go into the nursery and how many times your partner will go. Determine what times you will feed and what times you won’t. Also determine how long you can listen to your baby cry before going into the room. The average parent I work with says that 20 minutes is their limit, but every parent is different. I strongly suggest waiting a minimum of 5-10 minutes as your baby may self regulate on their own and fall back to sleep without your assistance. If you go in too early you are missing the opportunity for them to learn this important skill on their own. Studies have shown that a few minutes of tears will not harm a child in the short or long term. And from a therapeutic perspective, learning how to self regulate at a young age will benefit you and your child for years to come! Once your plan is complete, be consistent and follow through.
Other tools that may help you are:
-Knowing when your baby is tired and putting them down before they get overtired. Look for signs like rubbing their eyes or yawning.
-Put your baby down before they are actually are asleep in a drowsy state. Try not to let them fall asleep while they are nursing.
-Invest in a white noise machine and blackout curtains
-Make sure the temperature in the room isn’t too hot or too cold
Sleep Training for Toddlers
If you have a toddler at home, do they sleep in your bed at some point throughout the night? Well, I am fairly certain that almost all of you, including myself, have said yes. Honestly, it’s pretty normal developmentally for toddlers to do so. Sleep changes typically occur when the toddler transitions from a crib to a toddler bed. Babies are contained in their cribs, but toddlers are not. Babies cry, but when toddlers put those tears into words and yell “mommy” at the top of their lungs, it’s a whole new ballgame!
Here are some tips that may help you and your toddler get a better night’s sleep! These ideas don’t work for everyone since there are so many sleep philosophies, but they may help you and your child! Because having a foot to the face in the middle of the night isn’t exactly the nicest way to wake up from a deep sleep! Wait, who am I kidding? I’m a mom, what is deep sleep? I’ll have to ask my husband. I kid.
- Put a baby gate in your toddler’s doorway. By putting a baby gate in their doorway, they aren’t able to leave their room. Make sure you baby proof your child’s room so there is no way they can get hurt before implementing this plan. Cover the plugs. Secure the furniture to the wall. And make sure they can open the door if they need to call for you or better yet, keep the baby monitor in their room so you can communicate and even listen and watch them anytime you want! If a baby gate is in their doorway, and they wake up, they may just go back to bed, knowing they cannot leave. They may even feel safer and more contained than having a big doorway where anyone real or imaginary can come and go. And if they do cry for you, you just do what you did when they were infants and go to them and put them back to bed. It will be easier to put them back in their own bed because chances are once they climb into your bed, they aren’t leaving!
- Use a Sticker Chart. Positive reinforcement and sticker charts work wonders for toddlers. Start small and give them a sticker for a time frame they can achieve. For example, if they can typically stay in their bed for an hour, then start giving a sticker every 45 minutes they are able to successfully sleep in their bed. Eventually they will work their way up to getting one sticker for sleeping in their bed the entire night, but they are small, so start small. Make sure the goal is measurable and achievable. And yes, longer sleeping habits equal less stickers but the rewards can get bigger and better, too. Start with something small like 5 minutes of play time on the computer or staying up 5 minutes later past their bedtime. For every sticker they earn, they get a kiss and hug from you. Or for every 5 stickers they get something bigger, then 10 stickers, etc. Rewards don’t have to cost money, but you can have fun with this and even include prizes like a cookie or ice cream, a trip to the park, or even a movie, or mini golf! And if they successfully sleep through an entire night, PRAISE THEM! Make a BIG deal out of it!!!!
- Stick to a Consistent Routine. Following through is one of the best ways to sleep train a child. Toddlers like to know what to expect and do better with structure and familiarity. We typically do a bath, read books, and say a prayer before bed each night. Doing a bedtime routine in the same order at the same time each night will help a child’s internal clock physically and mentally prepare them for bed. And it’s up to you how you phase out of the room. You can try leaving them in their room alone to practice self regulation or you can stay next to their bed until they fall asleep. You can even hang out in the hallway for a bit if you want. But before you leave, if they are awake, let them know that you’ll be back to check on them. Even if that means you’ll check on them from the comfort of your own bed through the monitor, they will feel a sense of security knowing that you are nearby and watching over them. And if and when they do wake up and come to your bed, walk them back to their bed each and every time. You will be tired the first few nights of doing this, but this behavior should soon phase out. They will learn that you mean business and want to comply.
- Implement a Wake Up System. I suggest buying an OK to Wake alarm clock for your toddler. There are many different brands and styles but they are generally the same in that they will glow one color when your child is supposed to stay in their room during the night and glow a different color when it’s ok to leave the room in the morning. Just visit your local store or shop online for a toddler alarm clock. Many different price points will be available for you to choose from. There is one that you can even manage from your phone! No matter which one you choose, make sure you teach your child what the colors mean so they learn when they are supposed to stay in the room and when they are supposed to come see you. Toddlers really love these and sometimes will wake up and stay in their room wide awake looking at their clock or playing quietly until it changes color. They will innately want to please you and this makes the whole sleeping in their own bed thing a little more fun!
I hope these tips were helpful. I have so much more to share and hope you’ll join me at my upcoming parenting workshop!
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