Let’s Talk About: News 8 on the CW San Diego

Evidence based research shows that children want to comply, please their parents, and do the right thing. Teaching children behavioral expectations ahead of time will help them know the rules and want to repeat that positive behavior.

Children typically behave negatively for three main reasons: attention seeking, avoidance, and power. When a parent knows the motivation behind their child’s behavior, they are able to navigate and better help their children. And if negative behaviors still persist, go back to the rules of the home and which rule the child is breaking with their behavior. Make sure you remind them that just because a child makes a bad choice, that doesn’t make them a bad child.

When discussing the rules and behavior expectations for your home, focus on one behavior at a time that you want to improve. The best way a parent can respond to their children is to be calm and respectful. Losing a temper will escalate the adult and the child. Parents should model the behavior they want their child to give back to them. Knowing consequences ahead of time will help reduce the power struggle between parent and child. When parents focus too much on the negative behavior and use words like No, Don’t and Stop, then negative behaviors will persist.

I also suggest for parents to be consistent and follow though! If you tell a child they will earn a sticker or prize for good behavior, follow through. If you tell a child they will receive a consequence for negative behavior, make sure they receive the consequence. The reinforcements and the consequences should come as immediately as possible. Be specific with your praise and avoid saying, “good job” but rather, “I am so proud of you for listening when I asked you to put your toys away.” And make sure that the consequence is known ahead of time and it fits the child’s age, development, and negative behavior.

1. Use an Attention Signal: Attention signals can be verbal, auditory, or visual. You can often find regular household items like a kitchen timer, a bell, chimes, musical instruments, or simply sing a song or create a clapping sequence. Then each and every time your child hears or sees the attention signal, they will know to listen.

2. Gain Eye Contact: If you do not have eye contact, your child is most likely not listening. Get down to their level or pick them up so you are eye to eye before giving them instruction.

3. Give an Alpha Command: An alpha command is a short, concise statement, not a question. “Can you please take out the trash” will not be as effective as “I need you to take out the trash.” Give only one instruction at a time.

4. Give the child a choice to comply or receive a consequence: Remind your child of the rules and what the consequence would be if they do not comply. Give them a moment to think about it and then ask them what choice they are going to make. This will help empower them and learn decision making skills.

5. Praise or consequence: If the child complies, immediately give them a high five or a hug and tell them you are proud of them for making a good choice. You can also give them a raffle ticket, a sticker for a chart, or a good behavior ticket for a reward. Rewards do not have to cost money. Children love extra computer time or staying up past their bedtime! If the child doesn’t comply, stay calm, and immediately give them their consequence.

Some of the biggest struggles parents have when trying to get their children to listen based on age and development are:

Toddlers: Temper Tantrums, Short Attention Spans, Egocentric, Emotionality is high

Grade School: Children have parents, teachers, peers, coaches, etc all telling them what to do and they are left feeling disrespected, resentful, angry, and unempowered

Tweens: Peers are a driving force and major influence in their child’s life and they are fighting with being in an awkward emotional and mental phase and torn between still being a kid and growing into a teenager

Teens: Autonomy with making their own decisions, having more independence, and not feeling respected or heard by adults, influence from romantic relationships and or peers